So, about a decade ago, I went through a devastatingly painful heartbreak. Hector was my first great love, and I knew it even during the highs of being loved and loving him. I was all of 23 or so, and I had been in love before, but never before had it been an all consuming desperate, can't breathe without him kind of love. I moved in with him in his apartment in Brooklyn, giving up my wonderfully cheap 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan (which I was only paying $700 a month for in those days!) to live in his tasteful Bay Ridge studio with him. Needless to say, the relationship ended. After trying and failing to get him back, I attempted suicide (NEVER AGAIN!) About two years later, I was waling into my bank in sweats and a hoodie, holding the hand of the man I was then dating (who happened to be GORGEOUS) and came face to face with the person who greeted me by name (and I hadn't noticed really until I heard him say "hello, Cole.") as I entered the bank. It was Hector. When I looked over at him, and he looked back at me as if I had somehow destroyed him by having had the gall to move on and be happy, a part of me was tugged right back to the cold bathtub and the pain of an open artery on my wrist. I quickly reminded myself that the person who had loved him no longer existed-I had left him behind in that bloody bathtub years before.
In the 7 years that have passed since I last ran into Hector, he has occasionally crossed my mind, but rarely for more than a fleeting moment. Today, I can say I am grateful to have known and loved him and mean it. Despite the pain the end of that relationship caused, I learned from it. I learned where I would never go again, how far I was not willing to lose myself in someone else. I know inside, when I run into ASH again, as I did shortly before I started this project, I will be equally prepared to not react as I was when I ran into Hector.
I am holding onto that feeling of having control over my own destiny, of knowing there is a greater purpose for me than I could possibly imagine when I am in so much pain as I was a few short weeks ago. And I thank every one who I have ever loved and left or lost for bringing me to this point. Without you all, without the cumulative total of those experiences, I would not be who I am today. I carry each of you in a place of gratitude and Light within my heart.
As for you, my dear friends and readers, I send you all a special dose of Love and Light this Fathers' Day.
Until tomorrow-bathe in gratitude!
XO
In the 7 years that have passed since I last ran into Hector, he has occasionally crossed my mind, but rarely for more than a fleeting moment. Today, I can say I am grateful to have known and loved him and mean it. Despite the pain the end of that relationship caused, I learned from it. I learned where I would never go again, how far I was not willing to lose myself in someone else. I know inside, when I run into ASH again, as I did shortly before I started this project, I will be equally prepared to not react as I was when I ran into Hector.
I am holding onto that feeling of having control over my own destiny, of knowing there is a greater purpose for me than I could possibly imagine when I am in so much pain as I was a few short weeks ago. And I thank every one who I have ever loved and left or lost for bringing me to this point. Without you all, without the cumulative total of those experiences, I would not be who I am today. I carry each of you in a place of gratitude and Light within my heart.
As for you, my dear friends and readers, I send you all a special dose of Love and Light this Fathers' Day.
Until tomorrow-bathe in gratitude!
XO
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