Day 11 was good, but rough at the same time. I caught myself slipping back into the habit of looking at his window as the train rolled out of his stop. I immediately switched the song on my iPod from the sappy one I had on to something more cheerful. Progress was made, though. I shed not a single tear, silent or otherwise. I can guarantee you this: he is not thinking about whether or not it bothers me when I go by. He has moved on with the new life he is living, and I am not a part of it. Thank God. Yup thank God I am free of the lies, the name calling, the cruelty and all the BS that came with it. I reminded myself when I had to to hit the EJECT button, I pulled back for perspective, and remembered that God has a plan for my life, and that it involves me being truly happy and fulfilled in all ways. With or without a man in my life, there are moves to make, and bills to pay, and flowers blooming to appreciate, and new friendships as well as old to nurture. I reminded myself that the only person who I really ever have to wake up with is me, and that the heart I have, so full and ready to share, is a gift. Every hug, every smile or tear, every laugh or groan reminds me I am still here, still experiencing life, still able to give and receive love. And so are you. We all have the gift of a heart capable of such great love, of a voice worth hearing, of the ability to listen and share and grow. So, when I am tempted to slip into the old feelings of sadness, I remember how far away from happy the relationship took me, and I remember that something great is going to happen to me today, and I move forward another step. I change the song on the iPod of my life from something sad to something cheerful and inspirational. You know what? It works.
Today, Cat talked about exactly what happened to me last night, the inevitable thinking of him or missing him. She mentioned how natural it is, but she also reminded us to put him into the perspective of the real person, and not to romanticize him. Appropriate after what I was feeling yesterday. I have said before, and it bears repeating, that it feels like this book was tailor written for me. I bet you feel the same way, too. The chapters resonate in my heart the way only a true friend's loving words can, and I am more grateful each day to have my new friend be a part of my life. When we date, we tend to put forward an illusion of ourselves. This is something i try to avoid, because the 'real me' comes through quickly anyway. I am proud of who and what I am, but I definitely can remember a time when I was not. I remember sending out the PR Agent version of me on dates, and the inevitable disappointment when I did not measure up to what the advertised product was. So now, I try to just be me from go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I know I am being honest. It is a nice change from trying to wear an ill fitting suit of who I am 'supposed' to be.
Today, take off the mask. Just be yourself. Most importantly, know I love you, even though we don't know each other, we are part of a family, bound by our truth, and our pain, and our love and the love of God.
Till tomorrow, Stay Blessed, and share the Light!
Today, Cat talked about exactly what happened to me last night, the inevitable thinking of him or missing him. She mentioned how natural it is, but she also reminded us to put him into the perspective of the real person, and not to romanticize him. Appropriate after what I was feeling yesterday. I have said before, and it bears repeating, that it feels like this book was tailor written for me. I bet you feel the same way, too. The chapters resonate in my heart the way only a true friend's loving words can, and I am more grateful each day to have my new friend be a part of my life. When we date, we tend to put forward an illusion of ourselves. This is something i try to avoid, because the 'real me' comes through quickly anyway. I am proud of who and what I am, but I definitely can remember a time when I was not. I remember sending out the PR Agent version of me on dates, and the inevitable disappointment when I did not measure up to what the advertised product was. So now, I try to just be me from go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I know I am being honest. It is a nice change from trying to wear an ill fitting suit of who I am 'supposed' to be.
Today, take off the mask. Just be yourself. Most importantly, know I love you, even though we don't know each other, we are part of a family, bound by our truth, and our pain, and our love and the love of God.
Till tomorrow, Stay Blessed, and share the Light!
You know Cole, reading what you are going through has me seriously thinking about my habits. How we are similar but then maybe all who have been trampled on like trash have the same human habit. As you are looking through the window to catch a glimpse, I find myself picking up my cell phone and looking at the screen (or window) to see if he has called or hoping the phone will ring and see the phone number appear! I feel my heart racing and then pain sets in as there is no such call. I cry because how can he be so cruel to me when he knows my brother passed away. I ask God Why? This is my husband Lord the one unit you said we were has split in half and the pain is so great like a surgeon who has put a surgical knife to my skin and slice and slice and slice over and over and feeling every nip without pain medication. It is so hard right now to breath like the Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown song "No Air" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBKnpyoFEBo
ReplyDeleteThe way I feel right now is that someone just line me up against a wall just shoot me, get it over with. Losing your brother and a husband at the same time is so painful. You don't want anybody to tell you that your brother is in a better place. I want my brother right here right now. Is this so selfish of me? My brother has been with me through every hurt and every sickness where none of my family has except my mom. Now he is Gone! Then to be hurt by a previous marriage of 18 years and then you think you found that one and only, your knight, your hero who picked you up from that previous hurt... Sometimes it is like all of this is not real. My previous husband left me because I was ill, seriously ill where I made our Newspaper here in Colorado. My husband knew all of this and now he is doing the same thing. Thinking he is tired of my health issues and the cost of it. It is not my fault, I know this, I didn't ask for any of my health issues. Or maybe God is punishing me for taking my womb out cuz that's when all of this started. Right now my heart is shattered and broken. I cry and pray that God hears me! I hope you can understand what I just typed because I am writing it in sobbing of tears. I don’t want anyone to pity me but I just need understanding as to why I keep going through this. I was always told that when you are in pain to write it down and pray on it. So I wrote a prayer that is on youtube and I play it 3-4 times a day and pray with it out loud. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHl8wNtnoJI
Sorry Cole this isn’t about me but about you! I’m just so messed up right now