Day/Chapter 30 Graduation Day

Stepping into the great unknown.  We all do it every time we walk outside our doors.  Today is the first day of the next chapter in my life, and though I will not be keeping a daily log any longer to share with you and Cat, I will be letting you know periodically how it is going!  In today's chapter, Cat walks us through a visualization, helping us to release the last vestiges of our pain.  As I went through it, I found myself alternating between tears and goosebumps. Tears of relief, of release.  Goosebumps from the anticipation at what lies ahead.  It is so effective, I may actually do a physical version of the visualization for a couple of other items I want to work through (the rape for one.)  I am really proud of the work I have accomplished in the last 30 days, and I am even prouder of you guys for seeing me through it.

I want to thank each of you for so many moments of true friendship you have given me over the course of this journey.  There are also those who I want to thank who I will reach out to privately, as well.  

The biggest thanks, however goes out to my new friend (who now is feeling like an old friend) Cat.  More than anything, it was hearing Cat's voice in my head (or via text or email) that reminded me of a truth I already knew somewhere-that I was worth taking these 30 days to heal.  That I am more powerful in the Light of God than depths of my despair would ever allow me to be.  That I am a child of God, just like every one of us, deserving of love and respect and good friends, and GREAT love in my life.  Over the course of this journey, Cat, along with some very close friends and family members, have never let me fall so far I couldn't get back up, brush it off, and keep traveling this road.

I also want to thank my dear, loving godsons, Andy and Leo.  They are too young to know anything other than their godfather has been especially 'huggy' lately, but their love and my joy at having them in my life are second to none.

Finally, a promise.  If any of you ever need your hand held, need a shoulder to cry on, need someone to remind you to LIVE LIVE LIVE as Auntie Mame would say, I am here.  Don't be afraid to reach out to me the way I have to you.  None of us has all the answers, but we can always try to find them-together.

Until next time-I send you all the Love and Light in my heart.

Day/Chapter 29 The Great Life

Wow, am I really only one day away for being 30 days into this?  I must be, because I feel about a million miles away from where I started, and so much closer to being 100% in my own skin (and comfortable there) than I remember feeling in a very long time (if ever!)   In this chapter, Cat talks about the present, and the inherent joy in each new day.

I like to think I live within an 'attitude of gratitude' with regards to my truly blessed life.  Some people may wonder where that attitude comes from when life in NYC on unemployment and pounding the pavement looking for work can be so difficult.  I will give you a few examples:

Out side the building I live in, there are these BEAUTIFUL lily plants that blossom every spring/summer.  Last night, I was walking with my friend Renat and he asked me what it was that smelled so different about my neighborhood.  I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him to look to his left.  There was a beautiful lily.  In the 28 years my friend has been alive he had LITERALLY never stopped to smell the proverbial roses.  I stop to appreciate them all the time.  

Every day, I make a point of noting the things in life which make me smile.  It doesn't take much to do it, and by recognizing that which brings us joy, we multiply the joy.  

Give it a try.  LOOK for the joy in your life.   You will see it is there, whether we recognize it or not.   When we recognize it, and give thanks to God/Universe for it, and most importantly SHARE it, it comes back to us a thousandfold.  Nothing makes me feel better than seeing someone else really smile.  

One day left.  Then, we take another step into the future...

Love and Light, today and always.

Day/Chapter 28 Resources For Future Reference

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my sister Courtney where we talked about our failed relationships, and our successful ones.  Cour made an observation that I tended to date men like our Dad and she tended to date women like our Mom.  I guess that is the GLBT take on girls dating their Daddy and boys dating their Mommy.  I had never looked at it that way before, and part of me wanted to reject it immediately because, as much as I ADORE my Dad (I am one of those VERY lucky people who have parents who support, love and accept their GLBT kids as we are) I don't want to date him.  Add that to my list of things to watch out for!

On to today:

Wow, this list of resources is like a 'who's who' of the books in my home Library!  There is one book that Cat missed in the list that I think should be on anyone's 'Must Read' list.  The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron.   I read it first about a decade ago, and it has been collecting dust ever since.  I think it is time to revisit it.  But there are some on Cat's list that I am going to go to the Library and reserve as well :)

Many, many, moons ago,  in around 1993, I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.  I think at 17-18, I was simply not ready to absorb the lessons within.  But it did give me a foundation on which I could build spiritually and practically.

Day/Chapter 27-You Are So Beautiful

You know, I have been spending a lot of time with a 'bestie' of mine lately, and I am starting to realize something.  Our pattern is too predictable.   It is starting to seem like if we are out and about and someone shows interest in me, he gets all peacocky and (possibly without even being aware of it,) tries to mark his proverbial territory.  While it is perfectly acceptable for him to talk about his range of conquests, the standard for me is just a bit different.  When someone pays attention to him, and he engages in conversation, I don't act all pouty and left out, I entertain myself.  If the subway takes a while to get to him and I am a few minutes late, he gets almost unbearable, when I stand there waiting for a half hour or an hour, I just brush it off.  If I was not completely sure he had no romantic interest in me, I would say I was his back up plan.  So I am a bit confused about all this.  Despite the fact that there was once a time when I may have been interested, it has long since passed, so I don't know what to think anymore.

On to today...

What a great chapter!  Cat talks about the inner/outer connection when it comes to self esteem, and how little it really can take to make the outer feel more the way we want it to.  In one of my previous incarnations, I worked for a cosmetics company, and fell in love with color and skin care. Even though it may not be apparent, I use a light bronzer almost every day, and a clear mascara to thicken and define the lashes and brows.    On days when I am feeling particularly fab, I touch just the TIPS of my lashes with a cerulean mascara, which whitens the whites of my eyes, and makes the blue in the POP!  I almost always wear a lip protector of some sort, and I moisturize (with a great and inexpensive product from the drug store that I like better than any Department Store brand I have ever used)  every morning after my hot (as hot as my skin will take it) shower.  After reading this chapter, I asked Cat for a bronzer recommendation, as the one I use most is really too shimmery for daytime wear (at least on a guy!) I will let you know what we come up with!

Remember that we are ALL beautiful, desire-able creatures.  If you are feeling bummed, a little (or a lot) of pampering goes a long way!  Treat yourself to that hair color and cut, get (or give yourself) a facial, take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine and some killer music.  Your soul and the way you perceive yourself will thank you!  I know it works for me!

Until Tomorrow, Remember YOU ARE LOVED-YOU ARE LOVE INCARNATE!

Day/Chapter 26-Personality Types Part 3:A Cavalcade of Losers

(my apologies for the delay on these-transcribing took a while)

Wow, if it is one thing I hate doing, it is waiting.  And that is exactly what I have been doing for over a week now, with no response from the interviews.  But patience, they say, is a virtue.  I would like to be more patient, so here I am, giving it everything I have to not pick up the phone and follow up (at least until 7/1.)

It is funny to me that this journey started because someone else couldn't keep it in their pants, and I wound up standing up for myself, and setting limits.  There was a time when that was a completely foreign idea to me, and setting limits felt a little too much like being the 'nagging wife.'  Today, however, I am embracing the side of myself that knows how to say no.  While I may not want to, I thank him for pushing me, for every awful, horrible moment, for every tear, for every doubt.  Without those, I could not have made it here.  So, I thank ASH for the role he played in pushing me beyond my comfort zone, the role he played in getting me to say "buh-bye" and the role he played in bringing me to this process.  Without the pain, I never would have made the gains I have.  That being said, I still think he is an ass, and I am glad to be rid of the lies and infidelity.  

Today, the book covers more than I could possibly condense, so I will suffice it to say that in my life, my father is one of the personality types mentioned today (The World's Foremost Authority) and I seem to have had a knack in my past for falling for some combination of two others (the Bully/the Perpetual Victim.)  How can a victim be a bully, you may ask?  They learned from a young age that the only way to feel in control of their constant 'victim' status was to create other 'victims' to keep around them (at least that is my take on it.)  We have all heard the old saying 'Misery loves company.'  A bully who grew up a victim loves to create his own company.

I love that Cat is giving us early warning systems here.  It will definitely help to refer back to these when I get around to saying yes to the date invites I have been turning down lately...

Until Tomorrow, Love and Light!

Day/Chapter 25 Personality Types Part 2 Controller/Manipulators

So, yesterday's rallies were pretty fun, I got to see a lot of great people, and we had an overall fantastic time.  I did something completely out of the ordinary for me, however.  In the spirit of this whole 'committed to a new me' thing, I joined a gym a few short blocks from home.  Now comes the truly hard part-actually going there.  I purposely chose a gym within walking distance, so I could get there without any excuses of it not being nearby.  I chose one that has clubs with pools, because unlike the normal working out thing, I love to swim, I chose one that was affordable (30 bucks a month.)    Now, I have to 'just do it' and make it work for me.  I have a lifelong love/hate relationship with the gym.  I am a gay man, so the eye candy is the love part.  I am VERY self aware, so the idea other people can see me work out is the hate part.  Either way, I am going to do what I have to do.  Blinders on, focus intact.

On to the controller/manipulators.  I have dated a few of these, but I will admit it is a rare slip for me.  I am the ultimate free spirited Sagittarius.  The idea of not having the freedom to do as I see fit is anathema to me.   Fortunately, I can see very early on that the 'loving guidance' this type presents 'for my own good' is total BS, and simply a way to try to control and manipulate me into being basically a trapped being.  It is so contrary to my nature to be that way that I seem to naturally repel this type of being.

I think that makes me one of the lucky ones.  If you are reading this, so are you.

I send you my love and Light, as always!

Day/Chapter 24 Personality Types Part 1: Mr. Wonderful

So, here we are, with only seven days to go, and I find myself wondering what comes next?  I know that I am nowhere near being on the market again, and I know also that I have come to really look forward to our morning  or evening chats on this blog, to the messages i have gotten from you guys, to the knowing that there is someone (actually a big group of someones) who I can depend on to hold me to my commitment to this plan.  That being said, I also am so much more centered than i have been in a long time, if ever.

Today is the day of the 21 city rally that Fans United Against ABC has set up, and I am more than a bit nervous.  After being interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, CBS, on radio station is 4 cities, I think the interview thing is pretty easy.  It is the rallies themselves which have me nervous!  So much riding on so few, and at the end of the day, my name attached to all of it.  Who wouldn't be nervous?  Not to mention I should hear something from that interview series in the next few days.   Nerves on top of nerves!

Today in the book, Cat talks about the first of the broad personality types to be wary of-Mr. Wonderful.  We have all fallen for him at one point or another, only to find our quick hard fall led us to a quick hard landing.

I will reach out to you again tomorrow.  Until then, Love and Light!

Day/Chapter 23-Running Into Him

So, about a decade ago, I went through a devastatingly painful heartbreak.  Hector was my first great love, and I knew it even during the highs of being loved and loving him.  I was all of 23 or so, and I had been in love before, but never before had it been an all consuming desperate, can't breathe without him kind of love.  I moved in with him in his apartment in Brooklyn, giving up my wonderfully cheap 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan (which I was only paying $700 a month for in those days!) to live in his tasteful Bay Ridge studio with him.  Needless to say, the relationship ended.  After trying and failing to get him back, I attempted suicide (NEVER AGAIN!)   About two years later, I was waling into my bank in sweats and a hoodie, holding the hand of the man I was then dating (who happened to be GORGEOUS) and came face to face with the person who greeted me by name (and I hadn't noticed really until I heard him say "hello, Cole.") as I entered the bank.  It was Hector.  When I looked over at him, and he looked back at me as if I had somehow destroyed him by having had the gall to move on and be happy, a part of me was tugged right back to the cold bathtub and the pain of an open artery on my wrist.  I quickly reminded myself that the person who had loved him no longer existed-I had left him behind in that bloody bathtub years before.

In the 7 years that have passed since I last ran into Hector, he has occasionally crossed my mind, but rarely for more than a fleeting moment.  Today, I can say I am grateful to have known and loved him and mean it.  Despite the pain the end of that relationship caused, I learned from it.  I learned where I would never go again, how far I was not willing to lose myself in someone else.  I know inside, when I run into ASH again, as I did shortly before I started this project, I will be equally prepared to not react as I was when I ran into Hector.

I am holding onto that feeling of having control over my own destiny, of knowing there is a greater purpose for me than I could possibly imagine when I am in so much pain as I was a few short weeks ago.   And I thank every one who I have ever loved and left or lost for bringing me to this point.  Without you all, without the cumulative total of those experiences, I would not be who I am today.  I carry each of you in a place of gratitude and Light within my heart.

As for you, my dear friends and readers, I send you all a special dose of Love and Light this Fathers' Day.

Until tomorrow-bathe in gratitude!

XO

Day/Chapter 22-Learning to Look Ahead

So, today I came up with another internal surprise.  Remember back on day 4 or so, when Cat told us that we were not allowed to make contact for the rest of the 30 days?  I thought to myself then, that there was no way I could do it.  You know something?  I was wrong.  Not only have I not contacted him, with just over a week to go in this book, I no longer want to.  I remember thinking that as soon as I closed the book, when I was done with the 30 days and was 'all better' I would want him to know just how all better I was.  Yeah-not so much.  I don't need him to know anything about me.  I don't want him to know anything about me.  I wish him well, I hope he is happy, but I hope he keeps that happiness as far away from me as possible, and I will return the favor.

Thank God I didn't marry him.

When he and I first got together, he was working somewhere I found to be truly wonderful-with homeless gay teens.  Soon enough, however, he decided (with my help) that he needed to find something 'better for him.'   (Anyone else ever heard that one?)   The skills this chapter imparts will help me see things like that for what they are in the future.  I didn't see that he was using the fact that I could feed and shelter him as an excuse to quit his job.  I just loved him.  It is time to stop letting love be an excuse for behavior I would otherwise find unacceptable.

Until tomorrow, Love and Light!

Day/Chapter 21-Calling All Drama Queens

So. looking at the past yesterday under the light of day, I realized something I didn't imagine I would find myself saying.  Even today, there are people in my life that I am not sure I should have in it.  We all have them-'friends' who aren't really our friends, family members who we enable to continue to float through life, seemingly unaware of the consequences, lovers who do not deserve what we have to offer them.   Why do we keep them around, if they are not complimentary to our lives?  Do we have them around for entertainment value?  Are we afraid if we let them go, we will feel like our lives are (gasp) boring?  Or are we just so embedded in the comfort of the drama they bring to our lives that we would feel somehow 'off' without it?

In my case, I think they all apply.  remember that birthday cake I wanted to bake, and then add all sorts of extras to?  In the fantasy realm, causing him great pain is OK.  When it translates into reality-not so much.  As Cat points out in the book, not only is it counterproductive, it is illegal.  Haven't we given enough time and energy to the person or people who hurt us?  Why waste more with midnight phone calls, or grand gestures, or destruction of his property?  More likely than not, we will be the ones that end up hurt, or in jail, or both.  When God sent us into this world, He did so with a loving and sacred charge-to bring Light to those we come in contact with, to share and be shared with in perfect loving harmony.  When we drag our soul into a level that requires us to turn off the Light, we are not living up to our fullest potential, we are not honoring the gifts of life and of Light.

There is a great exercise in today's chapter, and as someone who loves to write anyway, I found it particularly fun to do it in the form of a script.  Maybe it will work for you, maybe another format will better suit your personal style.   Either way, don't let the Light get lost when the anger tries to push it away, or the need for drama is tempting you.  That is my goal, and one I hope you will pick up as well.

Until tomorrow, love and Light!

Day/Chapter 20-The Inventory

Cat opened today's chapter with one of my favorite quotes, "Do or do not, there is no try." That moment in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back is one of my favorite moments in the entire series of films.  I have used it often, and Yoda and the Jedi are some of my most trusted 'spiritual advisers.'  I look at the Universe as a kind of 'Force' and trust in the power within each of us.  Today, there is some tough work to be done, and some questions that require honest answers.  They also require me to think about him, which is something I haven't been doing all that much of lately.  I realized the other day that I didn't miss him anymore.  When I look at the relationship in the Light of truth, there is not much to miss, not much to mourn.  Sure, there were some good times, and there were even times when he was supportive.  None of them counterbalance those times when I had to conceal a black eye, or when  my head throbbed from the hair having been ripped from it, or the moment she showed up at my door, and I found out he had not only cheated, but had done so in my bed.

A small promise to myself-when I get this new job, I am buying a new bed ASAP.  All the cleaning in the world hasn't quite made me feel that this one is clean of the energy left behind by the act of betrayal committed on it.

So with the interview process rapidly coming to a close, I am super nervous, but super excited.  I feel capable of making this happen, and strong enough to make it continue to be a positive force in my life.

Until tomorrow, all my love and light.

Day/Chapter 19-When In Doubt, Believe The Behavior

So, I was 'poked' on FaceBook by this guy I don't really know, and we wound up 'friending' each other yesterday.  Early this morning, when I was rolling out of bed to my coffee pot, I noticed his status was all about being in pain from being cheated on and dumped.  Needless to say, I spent the next few hours talking and listening and sharing with him.  I invited him to the blog, and suggested he get the book.  What surprised me in him was the willingness he had to admit he felt he had been the one in the wrong many times: he had gotten physical with his partner, said hurtful things, etc.  He also expressed what I feel is a true desire to not repeat those errors again.  I reminded him that it takes two to tango, and that he was not alone in the relationship.  I also advised him to not be so hard on himself.  If we don't make room by letting in the Light...

We talked about faith, about God, about how hard it is to want to believe in anything when we are this hurt.  It suddenly dawned on me how very alike we were.  That was when I remembered clearly that nothing in life happens by chance.  Sure, he may have poked me as some harmless online long distance flirtation, but he was drawn to me for a reason.  I believe that reason was to have me positioned there when he was in so much pain this morning after the break up, to bring him to the blog, and the book, and to Cat's way of healing.  Granted, he has a lot of work to do (don't we all?) on himself.  Something in me just knew this was why he had been placed in my path though.  So, we have a new member in our club, and he comes from what some of us would call the other side of this.  

Here is my take on it though: if someone who has been so harmed himself as to wind up being abusive in a relationship can reach out, and find a path to blessing, it is not for me to deny him the benefit of my experiences.  Part of me bristled at it, but I have found that almost only ever happens when there is work to be put in for a lasting positive outcome.  I have learned to embrace that which makes me bristle.  The harder we have to work on something, the more of ourselves we have to put into it, the greater the reward.

In this chapter, Cat mentions the old adage 'actions speak louder than words' has little impact on her.  She also says that when it is reworded into a phrase that is basically the title of the chapter, the impact grows.  I completely agree.  How many times have we heard the former, and as quickly as we hear it, it slides from our thoughts?  The actions of this person who I spoke to this morning show me he is ready to bring about some serious changes, and is ready to do the work to make the changes happen and be permanent ones.  If any plan or path can help with that admirable goal, I believe it is this one.

I believe in you.
I believe in him.
I believe in Him.
I believe in me!

There is nothing we can not do!  Get out there today and SHOW YOURSELF what you are made of!  I already know you are amazing!  If you weren't, all this talk about belief, and God anf faith would have turned you off a long time ago!

Until tomorrow, Love and Light!

Day/Chapter 18-Giving It Up

So, how do I begin to forgive something I am not angry about anymore?  Does forgiving mean I forget?  Or does it simply allow me to go on, and make room in my life for the good that can be there from now on?

Which of us hasn't asked these questions of ourselves at one point or another?  Individually and collectively, we have all come up with our own take on the answers.  My take seems to vibe with Cat's.  If we do not forgive, we allow the wounds to fester, the infection of becoming jaded and bitter sets in.  We force ourselves to replay the tape the Liar has in our heads over and over and over again.  We forget the power of EJECT!  Worst of all, we fill ourselves so full of sadness and anger and pain that there is little or no room for anything else.

Today, in part because I made room for something great to happen, I got the call to come in for my 3rd interview with that company I mentioned.  The appointment is set for Thursday at 2PM EST.  I am telling you this because I believe it is important to send positive energy to those who need it when they need it.  The way I asked all of you to do for my friend Darlene when she was in so much pain right after her brother died last week.  I am asking you now to do the same for me (and don't hesitate to ask it of me as well!)   When we make space in our lives for positive energy to flow in, and force the negative into the Light (like I did the other day by sharing the fear and pain of what happened to me in 2004,) we invite good things in to replace them.  We are all human, we all make mistakes, none of us is perfect.  God made us this way so we could learn and grow and choose to invite the positive forces of the Universe into our lives and hearts.

A man spent a good amount of time flirting with me today.  Admittedly, I ate it up.  I also know enough to know that I am nowhere near ready to move into anything remotely resembling a relationship with someone who is not me.  So, I indulged in some flirtation, and them gave the guy my number, but made sure to let him know that I was not remotely interested in anything romantic right now.  It felt good to smile, to feel attractive.  It feels better to know how to say something is not for me right now.

Today, make some room in your hearts by inviting forgiveness in.  Expose one of the monsters in the closet of your secrets to the Light that it brings inside, and you will find (I promise) that it is not so scary as it once was.

Until tomorrow, I send all of you Love Light and flirtation!  

Day/Chapter 17-It Isn't 'Out There'

So, Church was amazing.  I finally went back to Scared Center (thanks for reminding me of it, Cat!) If you live in NYC, and have never been.  Get in touch with me.  I will meet you, and we can go together.  The experience is second to none.  Never have I so completely felt the joyful presence of a congregation devoted to celebrating faith.  Regardless of who you are, what your particular belief is, going to Sacred Center is kind of like Kaballah-spiritual vitamins.  It is a big deal that I went because I went with myself (some may say alone, but there is a big difference.)   It is appropriate that this chapter is about the within, and our internal strengths.  I have found that I am happiest when I am with myself.  I enjoy it so much sometimes that I border on becoming a recluse just to keep enjoying it.  It took me a long time to learn to enjoy my own company, so I know how scary it can be.  But it is too gorgeous an afternoon to spend indoors, so I am headed outside.

Before I go, thank you for all the support I got from all of you after revealing the Central Park incident.  Finally having that out in the open, and behind me is more of a relief than I have words to express.  To think, when I started this journey, it was because I was upset about the end of a relationship with someone else makes me giggle now.  The relationship I need to fix is the one with myself.  Being able to talk about things like that openly (for the first time) is shedding light on some areas of me that I didn't remember needed it.

Until tomorrow.  Love and Light.

Day/Chapter 16 Your Higher Power:You Are Not Alone

So, there it is.  I have this deep seated faith in God/Universe/Light, and I am not alone in that.  In some of the darkest and most dangerous moments in my life (face down in the dirt in Central Park with a gun held to the back of my head being raped then robbed in 2004, for one) I have been washed with the sense of calm that I can only attribute to the direct intervention of a higher power.  In the most happy times of my life, I remember to share my light and love, as it has been shared with me as a gift from the Universe, I am learning now that it is even more important than before to share in the dark times, when my heart is sore and broken, and my faith in humanity is shaken to the core.  If I hadn't shared with Cat on Twitter, I may have never started this journey, if I hadn't decided to blog about it while I did it, I don't know if I could have forced myself to continue it.

To me, the positioning of the right people or opportunities in our lives is proof positive of the existence of God.  Cat brought my attention to the book, then God placed the idea in my head for the blog, and brought each of you to it for some reason.  Without the book, and my faith in the plan in it, I may have never met Jeanine on the train, never had the interview (Which went so wonderfully well, by the way!) and may never have felt that I truly am in control of my own destiny.  God gives us the tools to survive our trials.  We have to choose to use them, however.  I could have died that morning in the park, but somehow, managed to maintain my calm and not agitate my assailant.  I heard the gun cock, felt it, cold and hard against the back of my head, and I just let it all go, asked God to take over.  He did, and I am here to tell the tale.  I knew then and there that God had plans for me, and that they did not include dying in the park that morning.  I have dedicated my life's energy since then to finding my way back onto the path.  Sometimes, it is so hard to  just trust that the right thing will happen if you do what is required of you.  I know I, like so many others, want to try to help the Universe along, accelerate the process.  I forget to enjoy the journey sometimes.

I am so grateful for the presence of God in my life, and for the gift of life, and the ability to continue forward, sharing and being shared with.  My commitment to me, and to you, is to remember in the times of trial, that there is much to be grateful for, even when it seems there is nothing going for us.  I am going to ask you guys to hold me to this.  Remind me that there is always a tomorrow to look forward to.

Talk to you guys after church!  Light and Love and the blessings of family and cherished friends to all of you.

Day/Chapter 15 It's Not What You're Eating, It's What's Eating You

It took me almost two days to face this one and write about it-sorry for the break.

Well, friends, the subject of weight alone makes all the feelings about him seem almost trivial.  I have been fighting a battle with the bulge since I was probably 10 years old.  That being said, NOBODY should be at Weight Watchers when they are 10 in my opinion, unless it is recommended by a doctor. As an adult who has spent my entire life thinking that i was fat  I look back at photos of me from when I thought I was 'fat' and realize that a 32-34 inch waist (which I had in my teens and early 20's) is actually pretty healthy.  At one point, I became borderline obsessed with not eating anything at all, and drinking all my nutritional needs, I dropped down to a 29 inch waist, but the price of feeling thin was paid by winding up in the hospital.  Here's the thing: I feel just as fat when I was 180 pounds as I do when I weigh 240 (been both, currently somewhere in between.)

So how do I eject a feeling or a thought that is seemingly ingrained on my soul, and the negative body image that goes along with it?  There are so many things I am going to do, and somehow, my body is going to have no choice but to get into synch with where my mind is, and where my goals are talking me.  I have always hated exercise (even when I was a cheerleader) and I call the gym 'that modern-day torture chamber.'    So, anyone who has anything that works, let me know, because other than a LOT of walking (hey it's NYC-we all walk) I don't really exercise all that much, and without anybody to be gym partners with (not talking about a 'him' here) I am not sure I could keep going to one if I started.

I am open, and going to pick up the 2 resources Cat mentions in the book.  So, let me know what you think...

Until tomorrow, love and Light.

Day/Chapter 14 Bitter Party of One, Your Table Is Waiting

So, day 13 was truly 'lucky'  I scheduled the interview for Thursday (day 15) at 2PM.  Can I really be the same person who was so upset just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, I guess so.  But I choose not to be.   Sure, I am still pretty damned pissed off about the circumstances surrounding our breakup, and I even about once every three days indulge myself in wondering how he is/if the baby is born yet/are they even together?  But, as my good friends Jesus and Jackie are prone to tell me 'It's none of your business anymore, Cole.'  Cat says the same thing in the book this morning, with the addendum that my life is also none of his business anymore.  Does that stop a part of me from wishing he would suddenly grow a brain and stumble across this blog? Not really.  But I know better.  More importantly, if he were reading (and I knew it) I think  I would have a hard time being this honest about all this.

I was 100% blown away by something in the book today.  Cat offers us a truly safe outlet for all those letters we want to write the person who we ended things with:mail them to her PO Box (no, I am not giving you the address-you're gonna have to get the book for that, and thus ends my shameless plug <smile>.)  Yup.  She will shred them, never read them, and you can get all that weight off your chest!  This woman's generous nature never ceases to amaze me (nor does her ability to find a simple, yet creative solution to an age old problem.)  I am big on practicality, if you haven't figured that out yet, and I truly appreciate a practical solution to an emotional situation.  Following this plan and working this solution out is exactly that: practical.  I don't find myself daunted by the emotional nature of the work I am doing here because the work makes sense to me.  Maybe all those years in therapy (I recently had a therapist tell me I had been in therapy too much and that I should take a break or go to school to become a therapist, or both)  have paid off.  Maybe I am just open to the lessons now when I was not before.  Maybe Cat is just the right teacher.  Maybe all of the above.  Honestly who cares?  It is present today, and it is working for me, on more levels than I ever dreamed imaginable.  Next stop:working on the weight issue...a bit more daunting, but I am really starting to believe I can do anything! 


On the weight topic, I was trying on interview clothes today, so I could be all pressed and polished for tomorrow.  Almost nothing fit.  I was reduced to a momentary (ok, not so momentary) fit of tears in frustration.  Something's not working there.  I am eating well, eating less volume, and spreading it out better (5 small meals instead of 3 large.) But, one step at a time, right?  I finally figured out an outfit: basic black suit (a bit old, but it fits) killer Hugo Boss white ribbed French cuff shirt with silver and Onyx cuff links, Hugo Boss geometric tie in a maroon, but that changes depending on the light, and black Boss loafers (told you I was a Boss ADDICT.)   Maybe I will take a snapshot and send it to you guys in tomorrow's blog...that would be a nice change of pace-let me know what you think.

I am so nervous, but I got an email from my friend from the train and she said the company NEVER moves this fast on a resume, so that says a lot.  I am sure something great is going to happen tomorrow!  For all of us.

Until then,  all my love and light!

Day/Chapter 13-Get off the Cross-We Need the Wood!

So day 12 was great!  Remember the nice lady on the train?  The one who works for the department store?  Well, she came through in a major way, and I got called by the company to come in for an interview!  Talk about the power of intention and God stepping in to intervene right when you need it most!  Wow, when I think that just about 2 weeks ago, I was curled up in a ball, crying over a man who didn't deserve my time, unemployed, and with very little on the future radar it is hard to believe I am the same person.  Actually, I guess none of us are the same as we were two weeks ago.  That is the beauty of taking a journey like this one, you are able to 'Re-invent Yourself" (a phrase I stole from the message on the jumbo-tron at the end of Madonna's Reinvention Tour, hardly her original, but that is where it came to me.)   At the end of each moment, we are renewed, and refreshed, and our cells  and organs are working hard to purge our bodies of any toxins and waste products we may have inside.

I like to think of negativity as a waste product.  It is something that comes into our lives, but we have no real use for it.  Like so many things in life, we have a choice: we can pack it away into a closet somewhere, with all the other stuff we will never use again, and wait for the closet to get so full that things start falling out when the door opens, or we can toss it into the recycle bin, thus allowing it to leave our space, and go get broken down and turned into something new and useful.  It really is that simple.  If there no room in our lives for good things to enter, they never will.   I have a rule about shopping that applies to our everyday lives as well.  For every new item I buy, I donate or give away 2.  I have closets full of clothes (remember I work in retail) that i never wear, and never will.  So why keep all that stuff in my life when I don't need it (and someone else probably does?)   Simple.  I don't.   When I worked for GAP, at one point in time I went through my closet and realized I had 42 pairs of almost identical khakis, and about 20 pairs of almost identical jeans. Nobody NEEDS that much of a wardrobe, even at Holiday (when, as anyone in retail will tell you, there is no time for doing laundry!)  That was when I came up with the buy 1 dump 2 rule.  It works in the closet and it works for me in life.  Now, even though I have a full wardrobe, I don't have more than I really need.  I am satisfied with my clothes (though my addiction to Hugo Boss needs some work!)  I am satisfied with my life, exactly as it is right now.  If something is not useful, it can be recycled.  If it is, I can keep it, and have some space for it (and me) to breathe and not feel cluttered.  Waste not, want not (or my version of it anyway!)

On to day 13...ah, lucky 13!

Today, Cat talks about 'owning your power.' Not the aggressive, all encompassing, ego-driven power that society has told us should be what we desire, but our true power as human beings. I recently told her that the fact that all of you are listening and reading is kind of scary for me, because it included a level of responsibility and accountability.  To you, and more importantly, to myself.  Our biggest commitment should be to ourselves at the end of the day (and the beginning and the middle!) I am still scared, but I have realized that what I perceive as fear is just nerves most of the time.  I am out there, bearing all for you to see, and that is a daunting prospect for someone who is normally very private with their emotions (let's face it, I am still a guy-gay or not, we all come with a built in desire to be stoic.)   This process is so good in so many ways for me:  I am learning to won my feelings and release them to do their work in the Universe, I am learning to be more open about my spirituality (normally a very private matter for me as well.)   I am learning to just be.  No scripts, no planned or programmed responses.  I am living my truth, and so are you, as you follow, and so will you be when you (if you haven't already) pick up the book, and start your own journey with Cat.  By the way, if you haven't picked up the book-what are you waiting for? Life doesn't magically change-it takes work!  I want one of you to become the next "me."  I want to share in you success, and send you e-hugs telling you how proud I am of you, and how inspired I am by you (I already am, by the way.)  This book, and this blog, have truly changed my life.  And you are here to witness it, and be a part of it.  There are tools here all of us will use for the rest of our lives, and which we will share with others, as I am with you, as Cat is with all of us, which will change the world we live in.  Imagine a world of kind and strong and loving and powerful souls, working together for a common good.  It can happen.  We can make it so.

Until tomorrow, I send you all the knowledge that you are my inspiration, and I share my love and light with you!

Day/Chapter 12-Dating Mr. PR Agent, Living with Mr. Reality

Day 11 was good, but rough at the same time.  I caught myself slipping back into the habit of looking at his window as the train rolled out of his stop.  I immediately switched the song on my iPod from the sappy one I had on to something more cheerful.  Progress was made, though.  I shed not a single tear, silent or otherwise.  I can guarantee you this: he is not thinking about whether or not it bothers me when I go by.  He has moved on with the new life he is living, and I am not a part of it.  Thank God.  Yup thank God I am free of the lies, the name calling, the cruelty and all the BS that came with it.  I reminded myself when I had to to hit the EJECT button, I pulled back for perspective, and remembered that God has a plan for my life, and that it involves me being truly happy and fulfilled in all ways.  With or without a man in my life, there are moves to make, and bills to pay, and flowers blooming to appreciate, and new friendships as well as old to nurture.  I reminded myself that the only person who I really ever have to wake up with is me, and that the heart I have, so full and ready to share, is a gift.  Every hug, every smile or tear, every laugh or groan reminds me I am still here, still experiencing   life, still able to give and receive love.  And so are you.  We all have the gift of a heart capable of such great love, of a voice worth hearing, of the ability to listen and share and grow.  So, when I am tempted to slip into the old feelings of sadness, I remember how far away from happy the relationship took me, and I remember that something great is going to happen to me today, and I move forward another step.  I change the song on the iPod of my life from something sad to something cheerful and inspirational.  You know what?  It works.


Today, Cat talked about exactly what happened to me last night, the inevitable thinking of him or missing him.  She mentioned how natural it is, but she also reminded us to put him into the perspective of the real person, and not to romanticize him.   Appropriate after what I was feeling yesterday.  I have said before, and it bears repeating, that it feels like this book was tailor written for me.  I bet you feel the same way, too.  The chapters resonate in my heart the way only a true friend's loving words can, and I am more grateful each day to have my new friend be a part of my life.  When we date, we tend to put forward an illusion of ourselves.  This is something i try to avoid, because the 'real me' comes through quickly anyway.  I am proud of who and what I am, but I definitely can remember a time when I was not.  I remember sending out the PR Agent version of me on dates, and the inevitable disappointment when I did not measure up to what the advertised product was.  So now, I try to just be me from go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Either way, I know I am being honest.  It is a nice change from trying to wear an ill fitting suit of who I am 'supposed' to be.

Today, take off the mask.  Just be yourself.  Most importantly, know I love you, even though we don't know each other, we are part of a family, bound by our truth, and our pain, and our love and the love of God.

Till tomorrow, Stay Blessed, and share the Light!

Day/Chapter 11-What's The Prize?

I know, I know, where was I yesterday?  I took a day and did absolutely....nothing.  You know what, it felt GREAT!  Not that I am advocating it for everyone, but, I needed a break from life (hey don't we all sometimes?) I took a long bubble bath with my favorite bottle of Pinot Noir, watched my week's worth of One Life to Live, walked to the park and read some fiction, and just all around enjoyed the day.  I wandered around my Brooklyn neighborhood, enjoying the beautiful Victorian architecture of the homes here, and actually stopped to listen to the birds and pay attention to the sensation of the breeze.  Sounds cheezy, right?  It may be, but I loved EVERY MOMENT OF IT!  Then as I was making dinner (carne guisada over rice with a spinach salad and home made corn bread-I love mixing it up!) I felt like I had missed something, like the day wasn't complete. That's when it hit me: I was making the very meal I had made (without the corn bread) on our first date.  I was missing him.  Ugh.  It had sneaked up on me like a murderer in an alley.   How dare I do something for me, that I used to do for him?  My response?   EJECT!  Not only did I dare, I enjoyed it! After dinner I sat in my living room with my cat, finished Friday's episode, and went to bed.  Yes there was a little SOS political drama at the VERY end of the day, but after a VERY deep (and long) sleep, I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to get back into my groove.

I got up this morning (afternoon actually,) went to church (the Catholic one nearby is nice, even though I am what I laughingly call a 'recovering Catholic' and I wanted to stay local) and then I took my walk again after changing out of my 'Church Clothes.'  Yes, I am one of those people who gets dressed for Church.  No jeans for me in there!  After my walk, I came home and had a light breakfast as I read today's chapter.  There is a mantra in there I want to share with you:

Say what you mean and mean what you say, and assume

that unless there's evidence to the contrary that he's doing the same.

There is a great exercise in the book for today, and the part of me that wants to just rush through and get over him completely is peeved I didn't do it yesterday, but the smarter part of me realizes that I did what I have promised to do yesterday-I was kind to myself, and to others when I took a call from a dear dear friend who is going through a rough time in her own life late last night.  She is picking up the book, BTW, and joining me and you on this journey.  I welcome her with open arms to this process, and I ask each of you to send her as much love as you can muster in her pain right now, because she will feel it coming.  She may not know from where until she reads this, but she will feel it.  

Until tomorrow, my friends-I love you, and we are ALL right where we should be-moving forward!

Day/Chapter 10-Whose Reality Is It Anyway?

Cat starts every chapter of the book with a quote.  I love today's quote especially, and feel strongly it should be a theme in all our lives, so I am going to share it with you.

'When Things Go Wrong, Don't Go With Them'

-ANONYMOUS

Day nine was kind one of those days where you run around like a chicken with no head, trying desperately to get everything 'done,' yet somehow it feels like you are going against the grain.  I have learned through a lot of trial and error, that sometimes the Universe and God throw us a curve ball to check our progress.  The train is late, your haircut isn't what you wanted, you get a little sunburned in the park with your godsons, your friend is moody  because your first late train made you miss your connection to the other one, and you are about 20 minutes behind schedule for life-well, you get the picture of my life yesterday.  I think we are given days like that one to test and strengthen our resolve, to force ourselves to truly remember to appreciate the ones when everything goes right, and to live in constant gratitude for the gift of another day, of more moments to share and receive love.  I feel sometimes like Cat wrote this book specifically for me. That quote this morning was just what I needed to start my day off right!  I took my time and digested the chapter a bit, rather than writing first thing in the morning, because I needed to get up and into the GORGEOUS day that is today.  The weather is perfect in NYC, not too hot to be endured yet, and I felt the call of the park and the sun and the trees and grass, so I got out and walked.  I did a four mile loop from my house, around the drive in Prospect Park and back, and it felt good.  My feet are a bit sore now, but that is a small price to pay for such a great start to my day.  I am making a renewed commitment to myself today to do more things like this, and to remember to be kind to myself physically.  My body, and my soul deserve the kind of TLC that comes with healthier living.

So, now to chat some about day 10.  On that walk I mentioned earlier, I carried my journal in my knapsack, and my trusty refillable aluminum water bottle (If you don't have one-get one!  They are great, and you're not adding any more plastic to the world's trash piles!) which I take everywhere.  

RANDOM TANGENT-I love NYC water.  In South Florida, where I grew up, you can taste the chemicals they treat the water with, and here, all you taste is water-yum!  

Back to the day-so, at a secluded picnic table in the park, I sat down with my journal and did todays "heartwork."   I poured my codependent ass onto those pages, and allowed myself too feel every positive and negative thing about the events that were the story of 'us.'   As I wrote, I came to a rather startling realization. I deserve better.  Let me repeat that I found that startling.  You see, up until this point, I had made excuses for the hitting, hair pulling, name calling, cheating bastard.  I never stopped to think about me, and how all that had made me feel.  I was simply reacting (if I cut my hair so short he can't pull it-he won't be tempted to, right?) to him, and trying to tap dance around his feelings, and put up a front to my friends and family that everything was not just OK, but GRRR-EAT!  Who did I think I was fooling?  The answer to that is myself.  I allowed my own fears of abandonment supersede my need to take care of my own well being.  

I am far from alone in this, and I am sure there are many of you who can not only relate, but probably add to my laundry list of wrongs.  Let's face it.  People treat us the way we allow them to.  Nobody in innocent in a situation that goes bad, because the one who stays and tries to 'fix' the person hurting them is just as guilty as the one who is doing the hurting.  I was hurting myself in order to try to make him happy, and that's just not OK.  Remember that quote above?  I know I am going to for the rest of my life.

Now, get the hell away from your computer and go do something you enjoy, all by yourself!  You'll thank me for telling you to later, because I am definitely thanking Cat for reminding me to take care of me!  If you are anything like me (and if you are still with us on day 10, I would be willing to wager you are) you not only deserve to do something for yourself-you need to.

Until tomorrow.  Love and Light, my dear, dear friends.

Day/Chapter 9-Shattering Illusions

So, that lady I met on the train I told you about? My resume is now firmly in her inbox, and I am excited at the prospect of getting my groove on again professionally.  There is more to me than retail, yes, but I LOVE what I do, and I am GREAT at it.  Why deny myself that (or the employee discounts?)

I am dealing with some seriously old demons here, the "Liar" is hard at work trying to tell me I can't do this or I can't do that, or I will fail if I try.  Here is the kicker, Mister "Liar" in my head.  I SEE YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE!  I AM amazing, and I deserve the greatest love, because that is exactly what I have to offer from my God-self, and in my life there is no room for imitations of love, or pretend love or a warm body to fill the void love.  I am not allowing the Liar to tell me that it is o.k. to stay home and skip out on  my spiritual life.  Instead, I am using the "eject" button, and focusing my considerable strength (which I am learning is not something to be afraid of) on the Truth, on the inner, God given voice that tells me "YES YOU CAN, YES YOU WILL!"

So, how do we know the truth from the lie, how do we gain perspective on what is sometimes like a Van Gogh that you are standing too close to?  Cat uses a simple word to remind herself to seek the truth.  "Identify."  Sounds easy enough, sure.   But you and I both know real life is not always so clear.  Or is it?  Are we just looking at the dots and missing the painting?  Together, we will find out.  As I have said before, I am committed to this process, and I am loving the results I am seeing from the work.  You know what I have learned?  Shhhhh.  It's a secret.  The simplest answer is almost always the truth.  When we stare at a bunch of dots close up, we forget to step back and take in the whole.  I am going to use 'identify' to stop myself long enough to take the few steps back to see the entire beautiful painting.

Until tomorrow, I send you love and the Light of God.

Day/Chapter 8-You're Making Me Uncomfortable

So remember yesterday, and the talk about intention?  Remember "Something really good is going to happen to me today"?  It did.  I was on the subway on my way to see the godsons (yes they are a HUGE focus in my life) and I struck up a conversation with a really nice lady.  We talked about the blog, the book (which I HAD to pull out of my knapsack to show her) and clothing.  When she asked me what I did for a living, I told her that, historically, I worked in retail, but was currently on unemployment.  That was when the something really good happened.  She asked me for my resume.  Turns out she is an executive at a major department store.  Luck?  Maybe.  But I believe it was intention, and God putting the right person in my path at the right moment.

THIS WORKS, PEOPLE!

Random Tangent: When did I start becoming one of those people I used to make fun of?  You know the type.  Up early in the morning, in an incurable (and seemingly contagious) good mood, smile on their face, ready to confront the world and all in it?  I swear, the jaded New Yorker in me wants to slap some sense into this zippity-fucking-doo-dah person I am seeing in the mirror right in the mouth.  My friends are telling me that I am more like my 'old self' than they have seen me in a long time(though I feel significantly different.)  I never knew I was annoyingly chipper.  Maybe I have just forgotten. Though, I must admit, I find it kind of, well, rude when people compare you with your 'old self.'  Of course I am like my old self-he was me-I am simply a new and improved model.  You know what, screw it.  I like this new and improved version of the old me.  Inner jaded beast monster (AKA 'the Liar') be damned!

Although, I must admit I want to pull a Nell Carter on the scale right now, grab it by it's skinny neck and call it a LIAR!


Let's go straight for day 8

I can guarantee you my award speech will not be: "I'd like to thank my significant other for reminding me every day what an insensitive, stupid, inept, disappointing, neglectful bitch I am" (direct quote from the Bible.) Because I am not any one of those things.  I am not a talentless hack, I am not a bad cook, I am not a selfish partner.

There are 3 mantras for today, and I am going to do the work it takes to get used to the one that is giving me some discomfort, "bye-bye."  I am very good at tuning out the world when need be, but I am not yet as good as I will be at saying "bye-bye" when it is warranted.  I will admit I am better now than I was before when it comes to this.  I am proud of myself for that.  I recently ended an almost decade long friendship with someone who was a total user, and who insisted on calling me some horrible names.  She even went so far as to tell someone I was in a relationship with to "run for the hills-you're too good for him" (with friends like that...)  But what it took for me to finally cut the cord is for me to realize that I couldn't save her.  She was living in my apartment (for free) and had my space packed with boxes, clothes strewn about, her 2 cats torturing mine, and the ONE this I had said no to (her bicycle coming into the house instead of her storage unit) she couldn't respect.  After a few months of this, (and her complaining that it was 'too messy in here') I was simply done.  I told her to leave.  She intimated that I would be ending our friendship by doing so.  I told her that she had done that a long time before by not respecting our friendship, or contributing to it.  She was draining me.  I had to say 'bye bye.' And I did.  After that, I realized that she had never really been my friend at all.  She didn't know how to be a friend (not that I always did either.)  We are better off charting our own courses, and I hope she is also happy and growing.

Today, I am starting a list (those who know me well will balk in disbelief at the word 'list,' as I am famous for hating them) of the things which it is time to say 'bye bye' to.  Not that I am going to tackle those 'bye bye's' all at once, but just to increase my awareness of the toxins in my system, and to begin eliminating them.