Clearing Up Some Falsehoods

For almost thirty years, I have held two painful lies within.  Tonight, as I lay awake in bed trying to sort out how my parents could have thought me capable of those two things when I was around 10-11 years old, I realized they probably knew no better at the time than to assume the worst.  I have recently told my dad the truth about one of these items and my mom the truth about the other, but for some reason, I am still bothered and troubled.  Perhaps because the perceived "victims" never learned the truth.  Perhaps because I still believe I was the "bad" child. despite what I have recently been told by a former teacher (that I was not bad at all as a 3rd grader-I was polite, well behaved and caring-I found it hard to believe.)

The first, and more heinous, of the two falsehoods is:  When I was 11, I was accused of molesting a 5 year old neighbor girl.  For those of you who don't already know this, by the time I was 11, I knew I was homosexual, and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite gender, save friends and family relationships. I was interrogated by my father for what must have been hours on the topic, and finally, after a VERY long (in my young mind) time, I decided I was too tired to keep saying that I had not done what they thought I did, and said that there had been a glancing touch out of curiosity.  This never actually happened.  I wasn't curious at all, but I also wasn't ready to come out of the closet.  The only people who did believe me at the time were my therapist, Shelley; my grandma Joann; uncle Vincent and my aunt June.  I spent years with people believing I had done this, and only in the past 24 months told my Dad it had never, in fact, happened.  When he asked me why I had finally said it had, I told him the truth.  "I knew if I just said it had happened, you would stop asking me about it and leave me alone," was my reply.  My Dad apologized, and I can tell he both believed me and meant the apology, but I am still troubled by what it meant that people thought me capable of such a thing at such a young age.

The second item was I was accused of stealing approximately $100 from my (then) toddler brother's piggy bank.  From my best recollection, this happened in early 1987, as my sister Courtney was already born, but I don't believe my brother Andrew was (I tend to measure time based on which sibling was already born in this period of my life.) I never confessed to this, because it never happened.  Even later, when my parents found out our nanny had been stealing, it never occurred to them to re-visit the topic with me.  I spent a summer mowing lawns and working off a debt that was not mine to repay, and it has bothered me ever since.  I repaid the amount of $100 (decided by my parents as appropriate.)  What I never understood is what did my VERY aware of our actions parents think I had done with the missing $100?  I had been grounded for 9 weeks due to bad grades, and never went anywhere alone at that age, so the opportunity to have spent this money was simply non-existent. I recently told my mom about this, and in tears, she and I spoke at length and she and I figured it must have been the nanny after all.

I don't know why it still bothers me that these two things were thought about me for so long.  It has been 25 years since I saw that girl, though one of her half brothers is still in touch with me via facebook, and I have clearly made and spent much more than that $100 since then.  Still, it bothers me to think there are still people out there who believe this to be true.  I am sure my parents told people and sought advice, as any normal concerned parent would have.  But I am equally sure that there is no way to erase those accusations, or the perceptions about me they may have created, including the ones within myself.  I would love any feedback you guys may have or suggestions on how to let this go once and for all.  It is a tape I would love to "eject" from my brain permanently, but sometimes it still keeps me awake at night.  I hate it when someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, and have only recently stopped seeing it as a flaw in my personality if I don't get along with someone.  Some people just don't mesh well.  Do I think my parents meant to hurt me?  Not for a moment.  They love me, and are 2 of my biggest fans.

I just want so badly to never have another sleepless night over this.  So tonight, I am writing to you, my friends and readers, asking you to share with me in the comments what works for you.


As Always,
Love, Light and thanks in advance.

Exes and OH NO'es

So, I recently reunited with an old flame.  No, not the one this blog started about!  Greg and I were together for about two years, ending about seven years ago.  Despite a rocky ending, Greg and I became the closest of friends in the ensuing years, and somehow, now, have developed or possibly just rediscovered a very intense romantic connection.

I always considered Greg to be the proverbial "one that got away" in many ways, despite the fact that we were together at a very difficult time in both our lives, and our relationship then could have been best described as tumultuous but passionate.  Now, approaching a decade later, after an extended friendship and actually learning to listen and communicate with one another (or at least how not to avoid communication!) we have found ourselves back together.

I have always loved Greg, and having one of my closest friends become my intimate partner has always been my ideal combination.  When I take away the fears of self image, and remove the pressures of pretense which so often come with a new romantic relationship, Greg and I find ourselves left with a wonderfully open and honest relationship.  It is so refreshing!  He already knows what I look like in the AM (though I am now 30 lbs lighter!) and has experienced morning breath, has seen me deal with stress and crisis and vice versa.  He has seen me at my best, and held my hand through my worst.  We have developed a level of trust that I never could have envisioned between us seven years ago.  There is only one catch: he has a new best friend (who was not in the picture before) who I can't STAND.

This "bestie" told me within days of meeting me he is in love with Greg, and basically challenged me to a duel.   I do not engage in such behavior, and promptly told Carlos (the "bestie") that neither of us could afford Greg's exceptionally lavish lifestyle, and laughed it off.  Shortly thereafter, Greg and I found ourselves living together (I know this is moving fast) and Carlos found himself under my roof.

There were first the normal crossings of boundaries like clothes being borrowed without permission. This quickly led to much worse violations, and eventually, a physical altercation.

At the end, it was a fight about Carlos that brought my relationship (and possibly my friendship) with Greg to an end on Thanksgiving night.

But that I will save for another entry.

Compromises and (Internal) Conflicts

So, I have been talking to someone for a while.  I like him, yet there are some things that I would normally find to be "deal breakers" that I seem to be willing to consider compromise on.

A) He's a smoker.
B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.
C) He wants an open relationship.

Let's look at these one at a time:

A: He's a smoker.

Okay, let me start by saying this is the least of the concerns, because other then the personal "yuck" factor, it is something that can be kept outdoors and away from me.  Does it bug the living shit out of me?  Yes.  Would it, by itself, eliminate him from consideration?  No.

B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.

I am a very independent person, and this guy is very into the idea of having someone submit to his whims, down to suggesting I wear more v-necks.  Not for nothing, but I have worked in fashion almost my entire life, and am pretty well aware of how to dress myself.  Additionally, I believe that, all things considered, I have done a pretty damn good job handling myself up to this point.  This is a BIG issue, and will be one of the deciding factors.

C) He wants an open relationship.  

Okay, I know my heterosexual friends will balk at this even being an issue on which I am willing to play ball. Unfortunately, there are very few truly monogamous gay men on the planet.  And I long ago made a deal with myself: I can handle ANYTHING as long as it is an honest and open dialog.  Here's the problem: when I combine it with B, it could lead to situations where I am completely uncomfortable (3somes, etc.) or which would cause me to be in a position where I was having multiple partners.  While, I am accepting enough to get that virtually anything with a penis is going to cheat, I am not wired that way myself, and do not want to be put in a position where it would come into play.


I know, this seems like a cut and dried situation, but there are some amazing qualities this man has.

(COMPLETED LATER) 

So, I started this entry a few weeks ago, and decided to give it a shot in the meantime.  My fears proved justified, and I very rapidly put an end to the dating experience with him.  All in all, we dated less than a week, and it looks like we will wind up being friends, which is where I was headed with the entry to begin with...

Love and Light!

An Open Window

Someone, somewhere said "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  Somehow, that saying made it into one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Sound of Music."  I can't tell you how many times that phrase has crossed my mind in the past few months.  As I have been dating, and exploring a stronger, more secure person named Cole than that guy I used to know way back when.  You guys probably remember him: he was curled up in a blubbering ball, crying into his keyboard last year.  Somehow that guy managed to send out a cry for help into the Twitterverse, and Catherine Hickland responded in her quiet, special way.

Today, I came really close to deciding to make it official with the guy I have been dating for the past two months, but I find myself wanting to hold back, to not trust.  On the one hand, he is really amazing,  Supportive of my dreams and projects, romantic and kind, dedicated to family and loyal.  On the other hand, he has a few habits I am not thrilled about and has a tendency to be ever so manly in the not communicating about feelings department.  But he has communicated enough to ask me to be his steady, and that feels pretty fucking amazing.  So why am I resisting?  What is keeping me from committing to this man who spends four or so nights a week cuddled in my arms, who doesn't hold back his affection, who is comfortable in his own skin, even if he isn't the most VERBAL person on the planet?  Is it the past?  Am I still afraid somewhere deep down inside that when God allowed me to close the door on the chapter of my life that was Steve, I didn't completely learn how to protect myself?

I think, friends, that the answer may be even simpler than that: I'm enjoying being single, despite the growing things I am feeling for this guy.  Add to that the fact that I have a temporary room mate (that's another story) and maybe I am just not ready to concede any more territory, be it physical or emotional, just yet.  I know that I want to go forward and see where it goes, but I don't know if now is the time to make that statement.

Is the window so high in the tower that I am not even noticing it is open?

Lyrically Inspired

"...You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before..."

-Alanis Morisette,  'Uninvited'

I was listening to some of my favorite music today, and this lyric stood out in particular.  Not that it hasn't before-today it just inspired me to write.

When Cat talks about being aware of our own power, and helps us find that stronger, inner place within, she helps us bring forward what we already own.  Each of us is powerful, unique, and intensely beautiful in our own right.  There is only one of each of us, and that makes us as beautiful as a pure snowflake, our individual personalities can shine like so many crystals of ice fluttering from the skies above us. Those of you who know me, know that I have a love for falling snow that is second to none.

Sometimes, those snowflakes bump into each other and change their appearance on their inevitable journey to the ground.  Those changes don't make them less beautiful, less special than they were before.  Often, two flakes join to become one larger, more beautiful flake.  Other times, the joining is not ideal, and the flakes somehow separate and fall separately.  I like to think of each of us in these terms: beautiful, delicate, fluttering crystals.  Sometimes, we collide with others, and the joining is just as flawless as those merged larger snowflakes.  Other times, the collision can damage one or both flakes.  That is where we have the advantage.

Snowflakes can't heal, can't prevent the crash into the ground.  We can.

Each of us has a beauty that is worthy of protecting. Each of us has a sacred mandate from our Creator to protect and nurture that beauty.  There is no love like mine.  There is no love like yours.  That unique love that each of us carries is the source of our beauty.  It is our responsibility to protect it (but not overprotect it) and feed it the energy it requires to grow and blossom.

Think of it like this: if a child is given all the tools she needs to explore her every talent, then she will learn how to not only excel, but share her knowledge with others, thus spreading her light into the world around her.  When you listen to a song you can't help singing along to, that is an example of what I am talking about.  That performer has touched a place in you which makes you want to share in that light.  That performer is also receiving your loving energy (even if it is from a distance) as you revel in their joy, or empathize with their pain.  The same is true for us.  When we open our loving light to the world around us responsibly, we can experience the ebb and flow of the love around us.  Not just romantic love, but the often much more lasting love of friends and family, of the neighbor's kid who loves to come over and play Monoply with you, of your pets, of the planet we are a part of, the Universe around us.

Sometimes, some of the energy that comes in can be hurtful, and that is when we need to be the most aware of the helpful energy or people around us.  Allow the helpful to outweigh the hurtful, and remember always that there is no love like yours.  It, like you, is a unique and beautiful creation in this Universe.  Both of you are worth celebrating.

I have an affirmation for you (and for me) today.  Let's say it out loud, together.

I AM WORTH CELEBRATING!

Until next time, Love and Light!

Cole

Stalking

So, recently I had what I call an "Andrea Evans issue."  Before I even went on a date with this guy, he began to display all the signs of being controlling to the point of stalking.  Somewhere, in the back of my head, I could hear Cat's voice telling me to be cautious with this situation, to tread carefully.  I had agreed to a date, however, and I am a man of my word.

I agreed to meet him in a VERY public place (Times' Square,)  and made sure a friend had his name, number and photo of him in case anything went wrong (a good idea for any first date if you ask me!)   A few hours before, he canceled, and asked for a rain check.  For some reason beyond my comprehension, I said yes.  But as the day of our rescheduled date came, I found him calling me over and over and over, texting me and becoming aggressive if I did not respond immediately.  When, finally, under pressure to solidify a time for our reschedule, I decided it was not a good idea, he went completely apeshit.  Calling me names, telling me how undesireable I was, saying he hoped I died, and that he would dance on my grave.  I had SIXTY FOUR missed calls from him in a four hour period.  My caution turned into outright fear, and I called the police.

I am grateful every day for the lessons learned from Cat and the tools she shares with us in her book.  I am able to apply them much more readily today than ever before, and I am remembering to listen to my gut instincts.

It gets better every day.

Love and Light,

Cole 

Something Great....

Since reading Cat's book, I try to wake up with the mantra suggested in it each morning.  "Something great is going to happen to me today!" Quite often, it does. In the first weeks of 2012, I attended the taping of the View's tribute to OLTL, met Agnes Nixon, was offered a free ticket to Loving Llanview (OF COURSE I went!) and attended the NY premiere of Madonna's W/E, hosted by none other than the Queen of Pop herself.  The rest of this entry is what happened that night.

So, I was lucky enough to be invited to a screening of the Madonna-directed W/E at the Ziegfeld Theater in midtown Manhattan last Monday.   Needless to say, the prospect of attending an official red carpet, NYC film premiere was a BIG deal to me.  Add to that the prospect of being in the same room as the Queen of Pop herself, and I was a ball of excited nerves!  My best friend Jesus and I  brushed elbows with some amazingly talented people that evening: Ewan McGregor, Julia Stiles, Lady Bunny and more were in attendance.  When Madonna was introduced, and came to the front of the theater to speak, I was excited beyond comprehension.  Not that it was my first time at an event with her, but any chance to see M is exciting for me.   The Marchesa gown she was wearing was flawless, and her speech was both heartfelt and personal.  Madonna discussed her inspiration to make this film, and even paused to thank her long deceased mother in a tearful moment.  After the 14 minute speech and introduction from M, the film rolled.

If I had gone in with low expectations for Madonna's directorial debut, I would have been selling her short.   Madonna and her supremely talented cast not only delivered, they exceeded expectations at every turn.  Humanizing one of the best known historical romances of all time in and of itself would have been a challenge; intermingling it with a contemporary one turned the film into a director's nightmare which by all rights should have been a disaster.  Instead, Madonna and company presented us with a masterpiece.  The two stories wove seamlessly into each other, and the inspiration Wally took from Wallis as she learned more and more about the truth about her life was generously shared with the audience.  Also not lost was the message that love comes with a price.  In the case of Wallis Simpson, the loss of her privacy, her popularity, and the ability for her to ever return to England (she and Edward VIII were never again allowed in the country after the abdication, save when she attended his funeral.)  In the case of Wally, it was the materially comfortable life she had shared with her very well off socialite husband.  The story in the film is not lost on us, and the fresh perspective with which it looks at a well known historical romance is both refreshing, and, at times, shocking. We often forget Wallis Simpson and Henry VIII were simply 2 people in love, and that love can make us do unexpected things.  We tend to focus on what he gave up to be with her, and forget the price she paid to live this fairy tale.  This film gives us the contrary viewpoint, and does so in a vivid and touching way.

As the film ended, I looked around me to see the likes of Gayle King and Martha Stewart on their feet applauding this film, which just confirmed what I already knew: Madonna had done something special with this film.  I highly suggest you go see what I mean.

Sometimes, in order to get where we are headed, we have to pause where we are and take an inventory.   Sometimes that inventory will reaffirm what we thought we knew about our journey through life.  More often, however, it will show us a need for a slight course correction and a new destination.  

Push Back

So, I was involved in a conversation this evening with my Uncle's girlfriend.  She was ranting and raving about him (as usual) and when I had the gall to agree with her therapist on the fact that there can be more than one kind of abuse and my uncle overheard it, he started recording from the next room, as unbeknownst to me, I was on speaker phone.  Not to say that there was anything said in that conversation I do not stand behind 100%.  The man is a 55 year old child, selfish, on drugs, and doesn't fool anyone with his whole "divide and conquer" manipulation mentality. 

Don't get me wrong: I love my uncle.  I just don't like him.  The man has a wonderfullly loving, but terribly wounded heart. 


So, at TWO IN THE MORNING, my big bad uncle decided he had to call his little brother and stir the pot, wake him up in the middle of the night, and cause a shitstorm.  Do I discount that I played a part in this?  No.  Did a third party need to be involved in something that had nothing to do with them? Absolutely not.  I am far from an innocent bystander, and I will readily admit that I have a lot of vitriol where my Uncle is concerned.  So much so that I deleted and blocked him from FB after getting a call from my very upset younger Uncle asking me what I was doing talking to this lady.  I was doing exactly that: talking.  I was comisserating in her misery, and trying to offer her a release valve, and a calm voice, though I was unsuccessful in my desire to be calm and reasonable.  Where this particular Uncle (or my Mother, for that matter) is concerned, the wonds are too deep, the scars too ugly to try to heal anymore.

I have tried therapy, I have written about it, I have taken anti depressants since I was ten, and still, the pain that this particular member of my family causes with his mere existence can sometimes be more than I can reasonably bear.  So I become angry, I lash out, I push him away.

I think it is time to push away a little harder.