I'm Letting You Go, So I Can Be Free

"...To live my life as it should be...I'll be fine without you/YES I WILL..."

-Leona Lewis ' Better In Time'

Someone I love recently reached out to me in need of assistance I could not provide for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being my own baggage about the four times we have been together as a couple over the past decade.   When I sat down and prayed over the situation, I realized that I hadn't fully released him from his past commitments to me.

In an email I wrote over the past few days, I shared with him what I will call our last kiss.  I did my best to be completely honest, but not cruel or accusatory.  I admitted my own mistakes, and ended in a prayer.  I would really like you guys' take on how you think I handled it.  The email is as follows, names included are unchanged.

My Darling Gregory, 

You've been online, you've seen my messages, and you had nothing to say.   Not even your condolences.    Part of me is hurt and surprised.   Part of me just doesn't care that you don't care if I am in pain, or in more debt now as a result of your carelessness with PayPal money you sent me which wasn't yours to send this week.  Either way-I can't allow you to take me down this dark road with you.  MY life and MY future can and do not depend on YOU.   So, I have this to say:

Good bye Gregory.  

 

I will ALWAYS love the man I saw inside you-the one who was too damaged and frightened of his own potential to ever be allowed to explore it.  The kind and loving man who was slowly coaxed into relaxing just a bit, who smiled more, who laughed easily.  Who LOVES me, exactly as I am.  Who, like me is:

A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

I pray and hope you can save yourself. And I am so sorry I had to pick to save myself before this drug took me as it did you. But I HAD to escape the pain and the torture of what it is doing to the love of my life.  

THANK YOU

For loving me, in the best way you knew how, for making me feel safe and for bringing me-however fleetingly, peace and joy that I will hold onto as long as I live.  Thank You for allowing me to fall and break.  Thank you for showing me it was okay to get myself up and make the necessary changes.

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO HEAL.

I think of you several times a day, and always will remember our times together with fondness, and a touch of sadness for the life we were denied.  

I FORGIVE YOU. 

Because you have a beautiful soul, and because my soul deserves to be free of the burden of anger and sorrow:

I RELEASE YOU.

You are free to grow and thrive, and it is my fondest wish that you will do exactly that, so I release you of any lingering hold or feeling of commitment to me you may have.  

I WROTE A PRAYER FOR YOU-

"Gregory's Prayer"

Dear LORD, I bring before you today a petition for the wellness of someone very special.  One of Your children needs Your intervention, please allow him to:

Live long, and prosper in joy..  Be well, an  be wealthy in love and happiness.  Be loved, and bathe himself in the warmth that comes from all the love he gives being most generously returned.  Be at peace within, so he may share that peace and calm to others and his spirit can commune with God's Universe in this world and the next. 

AMEN.

Continuing the Journey

I have learned that since my introduction to this book, I have become an advocate for the power within each of us to own our own hearts.  In a conversation tonight with someone who is on day 1 (and who bought the book BEFORE the breakup at my urging!) I said the following:

You will VERY VERY soon realize that the BEST relationship in your life is about to take a major turn for the better

the relationship you have with YOU

I know I sound like I drank Cat's Kool Aid, and maybe I did, but damn it is some good shit!

Wow!  Where is that eternal pessimist who used to live in my brain?  I guess he finally got the note and decided to get out before he got thrown out.  Every now and then, I still hear him gnawing and gnashing his teeth, chomping for a way back into my head-space.  When I hear that familiar bitter tune begin to play, i visualize myself pressing the "EJECT" button on my internal CD player (okay, okay, in my head, it is actually a cassette tape player LOL!) Since starting this portion of my journey, I have been tempted and challenged and lured and pulled and pushed in many ways, not the least of which was by an old flame I had never really gotten over.  What I realized, after that now aborted attempt at repairing something which was not only long broken, but just completely wrong for the person I am today, is that the past really can just be left where it is.    I have created a new affirmation set for myself today, and it is on an index card on my bedroom mirror, Where I can see it every morning and evening.  Feel free to use the set if you like.  The card reads:

I don't have to go back to learn from the past.  

I don't need to revisit past experiences to understand what brought them to be, or to avid repeating them.

Today, I am only moving FORWARD.

I am so grateful my friend reached out to me at this particular time, so I could be there with all the tools Cat gave me, and helped me find within myself, to hold her hand and give her a shoulder to cry on and a friend to rally for her when she feels she can't do it for herself.  I am grateful for the heartbreaks I have experienced in my own life.  My cup of gratitude is overwhelmingly full, and I am even more grateful that I am able to share it with all of you.  Every tear, every triumph, every lost pound (there have been 45 of them so far!) every slip, and every temptation, I know I can come to my keyboard and share without fear, because you guys are my friends.  Even those of you I have not met face to face have given me more strength than you can possibly imagine.  

May the Force be with all of you-ALWAYS!

Love and Light-

Cole