Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Day 7-Life 101

Day six was fan-bloody-tastic!  I felt STRONG, and even though it was a hot day in NYC (which usually bugs me to death) I was in a GREAT mood!  It has been a long time since I have been able to say that, and mean it.  Usually, for me,  a great mood has centered around a 'him.'  Sure, there were moments when he crossed my mind.  But they were so much less than they had been those 2 days I spent in bed, sick as a dog, wishing he would show up with chicken soup and a cool towel for my forehead, the way I had for him in our relationship.

Here is what I realized about that.  When he was sick, I was right there, being the caretaker, the loving partner.  When I was sick, he was nowhere to be found.  Says a lot, doesn't it?  About me, about he.  I was finally able to look at that as a sign that i missed-eject that-maybe I simply revisited it when I was far enough removed to appreciate the difference in the level of caring I was able to bring to the table.  It made me feel good to be needed, to bring him comfort.  Now, it is making me feel even better to know I can do it for myself.  This process is truly teaching me to be what yesterday's exercise suggested-my own best friend.  I love having quality people in my life (who doesn't?) But the person I am going to love having around the most will be me.  How's that for powerful intention?

You guys who are here reading with me, and feeling the pain I have felt have given me such a gift.  You have allowed me, and Cat, to come into your lives, become your friends, and to be on a journey of an intensely personal nature with you.  For that, I thank you.  Not just for me, but for Cat, as well.  It is a privilege to know you, to be able to be here with you.  And it is a powerful gift you have given us-your trust. The same way I trust Cat with this wounded mess I call my heart, you have trusted me to bring her to you, and that is incredible.  I am touched beyond my capability to express.  Just know I love you, and I value you!   Now on to day seven!

Today is called Life 101 for a reason.  We are working in the book on how to break through our own negativity, and our own fears together.  There is still a moment when I first wake in the morning that I half expect him to be there.  When I drift in that zone between conscious and subconscious, I can feel what I perceive as his love to be wrapped around me, making me feel safe.  Starting today, in Life 101, I am going to recognize that love is the love I have within myself.  He is just the security blanket I don't need any more.

I am going to leave you again today with a lesson from the book.  (Is it weird that part of me wants to call it my Bible?)

Something really good is going to happen to me today.

And to you, too!

Until tomorrow, all my love and light my friends!


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Day Six-Manifesting Your Beautiful Life

Hello, loves.

So that 'allergy attack'  turned out to be a full blown cold.  Ick.  Even the cats are staying away.  Have been just clogged up and sniffling and sneezing and coughing...basically everything the old NyQuil commercial says.  Maybe this is the physical manifestation of ejecting the negative thoughts and energies from my system.  Working this system is not for the faint of heart, and my body definitely is ejecting the negativity in any way it can!  It makes me happy to know that my buddy, Cat is here with me, helping me every step of the way through this book.  As I read, I can 'hear' her voice in my head, and feel her encouragement.  I added to my list of negative self talk today, and used the 'eject button' more than once!    NYC is HUMID today, even though it is only about 80 degrees, it feels mush hotter.  Either that, or the fever is back. Either way, NOTHING is going to get in my way today.  I AM going to be better than I was yesterday.  And if you don't like it...you get the idea!

Today, Cat talks a lot about 'manifesting.'  This is a term I am not unfamiliar with, as my grandmother worked for a Spiritual Psychologist when I was younger than I am today.  I have spent a good portion of my life resisting these ideas, in part because I just resist ANYTHING that could make me have to be accountable.  It is too easy to blame my problems or lack of motivation on someone else.  Too easy to not have to be accountable for my decisions, my choices.  Why accept responsibility when I can so easily lay it squarely on the shoulders of my parents' drug and alcohol problems when I was young, my Mother's repetitive disappearing act or my father's propensity for violence before he learned there was another way to communicate.   Why force myself to work on anything when I could simply lay down in defeat and eat my way into oblivion, or find a 'project boyfriend'  who I would try (and subsequently fail) to 'save' from his own demons?  I'll tell you why.  Because everyone I knew told me it was what I should do.  I mentioned before how much I hate rules.  These ideas became a new set of rules I was 'supposed' to follow.  Up until now, that just wouldn't do at all.  Now, I guess you can say that I have 'grown up' some.  I am more open to the possibility of someone who is outside myself and my negative self-speak being who I can listen to.

I have something to ask of all of you.  I need a commitment RIGHT NOW:

DO NOT ALLOW ME TO DEMEAN MYSELF.  STOP ME-ANY WAY YOU NEED TO.

I promise I will do the same for you, because I love you, my friends.

The book is really right about something else today.  He is not important anymore.  I am!


Today's exercise is something I am really looking forward to, because it will allow me to explore my creativity.  I am going to put together positive images of myself, and make them manifest. [(In my best Brooklyn accent-Hey if you want details on the exercise, get the book, people!]

For now, I will leave you with a taste of what I am going to be telling myself every day from now on.  Say it with me, say it with Cat, say it to yourself, to ANYONE who will listen!

"THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH I'D RATHER BE."

Now comes the hard part-say it until you believe it.

Until tomorrow, love and light to you my friends!




Thursday, May 26, 2011

Day Five-Being Your Own Best Friend

Day four was pretty good, when you take away the Benadryl-induced coma part.  My allergies were really kicking my boo-tay yesterday, so I did something unusual for me: I took care of myself.  Today, I have an appointment with 2 little boys whom I adore and a park (hopefully minus the skunk this time!)

RANDOM TANGENT-Why, oh why is Manhattan suddenly FULL of skunks???

Back on topic-so, after about an hour picking out the 'perfect' journal, I realized I needed the 'perfect' pen.  For me, that means two things-purple ink and a fine point.  I love purple.  So much, in fact, that my bedroom has been a light shade of it for about a decade (thus the need to make a change in color-I finally decided on a silvery grey.  Now, I just have to learn how to paint...)

On to today...so, I have to confront my inner Liar.  'The Tape' inside each of us which we play over and over that prevents us from succeeding.  I once had a VERY frustrated therapist tell me that it baffled her how someone could be so afraid of success.  She had such great faith in me, and saw in m what I refused to see in myself, someone who was inspired and capable of being inspiring to others.  I just saw a pudgy, pimply young adult who was (in my opinion) not so attractive, and not particularly good at anything other than being an entertainer.  So that's what I have done.  Then and now.  I entertain, I try to make people happy.  No matter the personal cost.  I somehow forgot that there was a me in there, who not only wanted but desperately needed to be loved and liked.  I forgot that taking care of others would ultimately mean I would have to care for myself in an equal fashion.

How could I possibly take time out for me?  Everyone around me didn't believe in it.  My parents saw and see it as being self-indulgent, my grandmother spent her life trying to take care of my Aunt.  As a child, I was trained to put the needs of others first by my Mom, who is a healthcare provider, and a damned good one.  My role models were always focused on doing things for others FIRST.  They didn't then (and my Mom still doesn't now) know how to take care of themselves.   Cat talks in the book about how now, decades after a particularly hard time in her life, when she had to be reminded 'to belittle is to be little.' she is still struggling with 'the Liar'-the voice inside each of us that doubts our self worth, and picks us apart.  Mine is more like a chorus of them.  Telling me  things like 'You're too fat. You're not talented enough to go to that audition. You never finish anything-why start?  He cheated because you couldn't satisfy him.  Your mother did all those drugs because you couldn't stop her, couldn't love her enough to help her heal after Dad left her for Mom.'  Some days, the chorus can just be too much.  Others, like today, I know that the Spirit within me is stronger for having faced each of those challenges and survived to share my story.

I know this; I don't want to wind up like my mother or father.  I want to be the person who I am happy to come home to, but not the person who can't share that life with someone else because the one before left me so damaged, because I damaged myself so much that it is impossible to penetrate the scar tissue surrounding my heart.  I know I want to 're-program' my Liar to become my BFF.  I know Cat is helping me do just that.

I am going to share today's affirmation with you, though I am making it a point of leaving out specifics from the book because I WANT YOU ALL TO GET IT, AND JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST!  Heartbreak or no, we can ALL benefit from these lessons.  So, here it is-write on a card and put it somewhere you will see it often, like the bathroom mirror, or next to the toilet tissue (because, if we are going to read on the throne, it should be something uplifting!)

Today, I make a commitment to be my own best friend.
I am worth loving, and that starts with loving myself.
I will be gentle and kind to myself in all regards, in words and deeds.
I'm grateful for the lessons I'm learning from this heartache that will make me stronger, more compassionate toward others, and finally, the same loyal supportive, cherished friend to myself that I strive to be for everyone else I love.


Now, my beloved friends, go out into the world today and do something kind for a total stranger.  Find the saddest soul you can find and give him or her something to smile about.  Everyone has something that deserves to be complimented.  Give a little of what we all deserve to receive-love.

'Till Tomorrow, all my light and love.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Day Four...The Journal-and an allergy attack from hell

Day three went really well.  I went uptown, saw Jackie and the boys, spent time walking and enjoying the 80-degree sunny NYC day.  I am done with my laundry (though I STILL can't figure out the color I want in my bedroom) and am finally happy with the furniture arrangement in my apartment (after only 5 years in it!)  I had a close encounter with a skunk (yes, we have them in NYC-actually MORE than a few) as I left the park last evening, and was lucky enough not to get sprayed.  I got home, a bit tanned (for me, a bit is all I can handle) and definitely in better spirits, if a bit puffy and sneezy from my allergies...

Today, I feel REALLY allergic to the world. I guess it is the downside of the beautiful beginning of Summer...all this pollen and grass and stuff floating around to make me puffy eyed and wheezy. I hope I can hold myself together with this whole no contact thing.  It is his birthday, and all I want to do is bake him a cake or something silly like that.  In my fantasy, filling that cake with crushed glass and razor blades would be nice, but I digress...

Today, I have to start a new journal.  Boy, is this going to be a doozy.  Fifteen minutes (at least) of writing about my feelings followed by fifteen minutes about him.  Part of me wants to resist writing ANYTHING about him, because part of me doesn't think he deserves that much attention.  

Ok, guys, I am going to keep this one short because I really am feeling kinda crappy.  

'Till tomorrow.  Stay Strong, and filled with light!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Day Three. The Rules About Him

So, Day 2 wasn't so bad.  I went to bed really early , but got most of what I needed to get finished accomplished, and I was even able to throw out a couple reminders of ASH (those are really his initials-but sounds enough like ASS to make me giggle today.)   This morning, I woke up early, and made myself some breakfast, worked a bit on the Fans United Against ABC plan for the day, and steeled my resolve to read chapter three.  For some reason, because I knew this is going to be the last day I am allowed to cry over him, I had a feeling that these were gonna be some tough rules to swallow, the part of me that wants him to come crawling back and beg me to forgive him doesn't want to be over him.  The stronger, and better part of me, knows it is time to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't repeat the past mistakes.

He was in my dreams again, but it was different this time.  It was more like a memory and less like a painful tearing of my soul.  My (as of yet) unborn children weren't there this time.  Humph.  That's the first time I have ever thought of them as 'my' and not 'our' unborn kids.  Baby steps, indeed!  That one feel pretty giant right now!  Never in my life, did i ever, EVER think I would be able to say three days into anything, that I felt better already.  But I do. Not to say I didn't cry a LOT more when I read the rules for today, because they seem so...final.  If I weren't ready for final, though, I would not be on this journey with Cat as my guide.  

Now that I am up, breakfasted and showered, it is time to get the day started...so, onward and upward to Day 3!

No Contact

Ouch.  When Cat says she has been there-I believe her.  Her experiences must have been so much like mine it isn't funny.  Either that, or we actors all grieve in the same way-all out, fully invested in getting every painful ounce of it for as long as we can.  When ASH and I first ended, I wanted to 'stay friends' (sound familiar, anyone?)  I think now, that was my way of trying to keep tabs on him.  I have still been calling and emailing about once a week.  Now, what am I going to do when I have to take the subway past his apartment?  I have become so accustomed to scanning the windows for a glimpse of him as the train pulls out of the station at 125th Street (fuck, I am crying AGAIN.)  I am gonna need your help with this one, guys! 

Go Right Ahead, Think About Him

I wish I could stop.  But there is a great tool Cat uses-'the eject button.'  You have to get the book to find out more about it, though.  And the airplane in my daydreams about him will definitely have that banner behind it. (More tears, REALLY?)

No Revenge

Fantasizing about revenge=healthy and perfectly natural.  Acting out on it-not so much.  This is going to be a tough one for me.  I may have a long fuse, but when it blows, Krakatoa has nothing on this red head!

No Driving Past His House or Work

See above.  I sometimes have no option on this one-but thanks to Twitter, I have asked Cat about it and whether re-routing is the best way to go, even tho it will take longer...I will let you all know what she says...I love NYC, but sometimes using PT means your routes are not your own...I don't know where (or if) he is working now, so I am not going to worry about that part.

Avoid His Usual Hangouts

The only accidental run in I have had w/him was a few months ago when I ran into him and a tranny he was OBVIOUSLY messing around with at a bar he SWORE to me he would never go to w/me as a couple.  I realized after the break up that his normal hangouts were (my) home, and his mom's (where he lives.)  I am definitely not going to his Mom's LOL.  She didn't approve of him dating guys to begin with, when she found out I was 'white,'  the cow she had was legendary.  So, I am not going to subject myself to that under any circumstances.

The Affirmation

Cat has given me an affirmation (via the book) for every day.  I am going to put it on 3x5 index cards all over my apartment...saying it out loud this morning twice has brought me to tears (I feel like such a weakling today, even though I know I am stronger than I was yesterday.)  


Thanks so much for being here with me, on this journey...I love each and every one of you for following, and sending me the love I feel coming my way through what I like to call the "God Channel."  YOU, my readers and friends, ARE BEAUTIFUL!


Monday, May 23, 2011

Day Two. More Rules, More Crying.

So, I am still working out the details on how I am going to work all this out.

I think the best way to do this, for now, is to give a run-down at the start of each day of how I did the day before.   That way I am only blogging it once a day.  I will close each entry with the plan for the current day.  This way, every success of the day before will be fresh in my mind as I begin the new day, and get another step closer to feeling like the better version of myself I know I can be.

Yesterday, I did pretty well, for being a total wreck.  My biggest temptations are always overeating, or over indulging in flirtation.  So yesterday, I did my best to do neither.  I ate more than I would have liked, yes, but not so much that I was numb.  This morning, after talking to you, my new friends, I am going to follow the last rule of the day and do something kind to myself.  I am going to get away from this computer and walk from my house to Prospect Park and back.  Then, I am going to go to Manhattan and see my BFF Jackie and my godsons.  Maybe I will even take the boys for an ice cream so Jackie can have some time to herself...I haven't felt like doing anything lately, so day 1 has already made an impact.  Yes, I am still crying, yes I am still hurting, but right now, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel alone.

Now, with day 1 firmly in the past, let's start day 2...

No Excesses, Ever!
Cat, are you LIVING in my head right now???  I just want to be so over indulgent that it isn't funny!  So, instead of that bowl of Ben & Jerry's I REALLY want for breakfast, I am going to try to get back on to my normal track.  Which means, also that I have to get my arse out of bed today, no matter how tempted I am to stay in it.

Be Your Own Best Friend
This part of the day brings to mind a song from the old 'Alice In Wonderland' film.  "I give myself very good advice/But I very seldom follow it..."  I know I am not alone in that feeling.  How do I learn to listen to the inner voice, to trust it the way I did in my youth?  When I am in this much pain from following my heart, what can my heart do for me now?
I am going to allow the actor in me to play both roles, the role of 'me' and the role of the 'best friend' as if they were two characters in the play that is my life today.  I am going to try to fake it till I make it, so to speak.  I am also going to promise that I WILL NOT do anything harmful to myself today.  Not that I was ever physically in danger from that idea, but emotionally...you get the idea.

Every Day, Do Something Kind for Yourself
Does that mean I have to shower?  I know some of you may be laughing at that right now, but those of you who have felt the way I do right now know that getting into the shower can be a trial when you are broken down and battered emotionally.  Today, I am committed to picking out a color for my bedroom walls.  I am also going to make myself go outside and take that walk I mentioned earlier.

Every Day, Do Something Kind for Someone Else
Can I take a moment to say I LOVE THIS!  I have spent my entire career in retail (and hopefully, soon in another field) LOOKING for things that I liked about people.  I mentioned earlier that I consider myself a retail therapist.  All jokes aside, I always look for something FANTASTIC in every person I meet.  The other day, on a packed subway, it was a beautiful silver sweater I just had to compliment.  the conversation which followed actually got me past his subway stop without the usual call or text to him that normally comes with it. (of all the places he could live, he HAS to live in the ONE place the subway comes above ground for one stop, making it almost impossible to not think of him!)   I have to pass there today again, and I am going to do my best to look at the Hudson, in the opposite direction, rather than look for a glimpse of him...

'Till tomorrow, stay strong, and thanks for standing together with me when I have needed you most, my friends!



Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day One-and Four Simple Rules

So, I am at the first day of the rest of my life and there are four rules to follow (fuck, I hate rules LOL.)

Rule 1-First, You Cry

Easy enough, I have been crying for 6 months, sometimes all out, sometimes silently.  Every time I pass 'his' stop on the subway, I wipe a silent tear or ten from my eyes as inconspicuously as I can.  At the end of this book, I am going to do for myself what I did for him on our first date: make one of my favorite meals, and have a picnic near Grant's Tomb in Riverside Park.  I want to be able to do that for myself again.  I miss my Artist's Dates (If you have read the Artists' Way, you know what I mean) and taking myself to a sunset picnic was one of my faves.
Back on track-I am actually crying as I write this.  I was crying when I woke up this morning after having had dreams of the child he and I will never have, but had planned.  God, I want this pain to end.

Rule 2-No Isolating

Does having Cat 'with me' via the book count?  I have been avoiding my closest friends, because I hate needing anyone.  I have even been shying away from my godsons, because the pain of having the dream of kids ripped away from me has been almost as bad (if not worse) than losing him.   So, today, I am committed to accepting my neighbor's invitation to coffee.  I am also going to reach out to my closest friends and tell them what is going on...even if it just means I am sending them all a link to this blog.

Rule 3-no Retail Therapy

There is a HUGE part of myself that says 'hold up-wait a minute' on that one, because I have made a living as a 'Retail Therapist' for most of my life.  Walking into Bloomingdale's or the Gap is like going home (and usually involves seeing some old friends.  But, I am committed to this program, and I will follow it.  I think, for me, this should also include no random hook-ups with cute guys for the foreseeable future.

Rule 4-Weight Management

So, there it is-my old nemesis.  As I write this, I am about 40 pounds over weight (for my comfort zone.)  I am definitely a comfort eater, and my arthritis and blood pressure aren't thanking me for it at all.


So, Here we start.  I have the crying thing down to an art form, I do it off and on all day.   I actually had to just pause after that last sentence to have a good few minutes of balled up, drool and snot dripping, body trembling and heaving crying.   Maybe I will even leave the apartment building today and see people.  It is a nice, sunny day in NYC.  A park afternoon sounds like a good plan...

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Introduction to Our Journey, and some history.

So, where do I begin this story?  Suffice it to say, I have recently had my heart pretty badly broken.  Okay, recently isn't the best way to put it.  It has been seven months now.  I fell in love with someone who was bisexual, knowing all the inherent risks of that emotional leap.  Well, life being what it is, I wound up heartbroken, and broken in so many other ways.

The relationship wound up being physically and emotionally abusive, and I found myself forgiving and forgetting when he would call me ugly, or tell me that he hated my cooking.  I saw all the signs of a relationship gone bad, and still couldn't turn off the love I felt for him.  I still am reeling from the day I ended it, after his affair with a woman resulted in a pregnancy.

Then, I had the good fortune of being a soap fan, and the even better fortune of developing a dialog with a woman named Catherine Hickland, who has been an actress on my favorite show, One Life to Live.  She has written a book called The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure.   Her strength in being honest with her fans and her amazing rapport with her audience led me to give her answer a try.  Her belief in the human capacity for love and in a loving God is so in synch with my own beliefs that I had to try.  When I mentioned to her in a Twitter chat that I was planning on picking up the book, she simply said "I've got you covered.  No one should walk around with a sad heart."  A few days later, the book, with a wonderful personal dedication reminding me of the inner power each of us has within was in my mailbox. Such a wonderful gesture from someone I hardly know lifted me in a way I never expected.

I wanted to share my journey with Cat, via the book, with as many people as I could reach, so I asked her permission to blog about the experience of taking the steps in the book, and she offered her complete support.

After reading only the Introduction, I feel like I have a good friend holding my hand as I begin to finally heal and put this painful relationship behind me.  I hope I can do my new friend, and her book justice.  I also hope that reading this blog helps others find this amazingly talented woman, and her work as an actor, writer, hypnotist, and force for good in the Universe.

I dedicate this journey to myself, and to Cat Hickland-for giving me the courage to take that first scary step into my future.  I couldn't have done it alone.