So, Day 2 wasn't so bad. I went to bed really early , but got most of what I needed to get finished accomplished, and I was even able to throw out a couple reminders of ASH (those are really his initials-but sounds enough like ASS to make me giggle today.) This morning, I woke up early, and made myself some breakfast, worked a bit on the Fans United Against ABC plan for the day, and steeled my resolve to read chapter three. For some reason, because I knew this is going to be the last day I am allowed to cry over him, I had a feeling that these were gonna be some tough rules to swallow, the part of me that wants him to come crawling back and beg me to forgive him doesn't want to be over him. The stronger, and better part of me, knows it is time to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't repeat the past mistakes.
He was in my dreams again, but it was different this time. It was more like a memory and less like a painful tearing of my soul. My (as of yet) unborn children weren't there this time. Humph. That's the first time I have ever thought of them as 'my' and not 'our' unborn kids. Baby steps, indeed! That one feel pretty giant right now! Never in my life, did i ever, EVER think I would be able to say three days into anything, that I felt better already. But I do. Not to say I didn't cry a LOT more when I read the rules for today, because they seem so...final. If I weren't ready for final, though, I would not be on this journey with Cat as my guide.
Now that I am up, breakfasted and showered, it is time to get the day started...so, onward and upward to Day 3!
No Contact
Ouch. When Cat says she has been there-I believe her. Her experiences must have been so much like mine it isn't funny. Either that, or we actors all grieve in the same way-all out, fully invested in getting every painful ounce of it for as long as we can. When ASH and I first ended, I wanted to 'stay friends' (sound familiar, anyone?) I think now, that was my way of trying to keep tabs on him. I have still been calling and emailing about once a week. Now, what am I going to do when I have to take the subway past his apartment? I have become so accustomed to scanning the windows for a glimpse of him as the train pulls out of the station at 125th Street (fuck, I am crying AGAIN.) I am gonna need your help with this one, guys!
Go Right Ahead, Think About Him
I wish I could stop. But there is a great tool Cat uses-'the eject button.' You have to get the book to find out more about it, though. And the airplane in my daydreams about him will definitely have that banner behind it. (More tears, REALLY?)
No Revenge
Fantasizing about revenge=healthy and perfectly natural. Acting out on it-not so much. This is going to be a tough one for me. I may have a long fuse, but when it blows, Krakatoa has nothing on this red head!
No Driving Past His House or Work
See above. I sometimes have no option on this one-but thanks to Twitter, I have asked Cat about it and whether re-routing is the best way to go, even tho it will take longer...I will let you all know what she says...I love NYC, but sometimes using PT means your routes are not your own...I don't know where (or if) he is working now, so I am not going to worry about that part.
Avoid His Usual Hangouts
The only accidental run in I have had w/him was a few months ago when I ran into him and a tranny he was OBVIOUSLY messing around with at a bar he SWORE to me he would never go to w/me as a couple. I realized after the break up that his normal hangouts were (my) home, and his mom's (where he lives.) I am definitely not going to his Mom's LOL. She didn't approve of him dating guys to begin with, when she found out I was 'white,' the cow she had was legendary. So, I am not going to subject myself to that under any circumstances.
The Affirmation
Cat has given me an affirmation (via the book) for every day. I am going to put it on 3x5 index cards all over my apartment...saying it out loud this morning twice has brought me to tears (I feel like such a weakling today, even though I know I am stronger than I was yesterday.)
Thanks so much for being here with me, on this journey...I love each and every one of you for following, and sending me the love I feel coming my way through what I like to call the "God Channel." YOU, my readers and friends, ARE BEAUTIFUL!
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