Day six was fan-bloody-tastic! I felt STRONG, and even though it was a hot day in NYC (which usually bugs me to death) I was in a GREAT mood! It has been a long time since I have been able to say that, and mean it. Usually, for me, a great mood has centered around a 'him.' Sure, there were moments when he crossed my mind. But they were so much less than they had been those 2 days I spent in bed, sick as a dog, wishing he would show up with chicken soup and a cool towel for my forehead, the way I had for him in our relationship.
Here is what I realized about that. When he was sick, I was right there, being the caretaker, the loving partner. When I was sick, he was nowhere to be found. Says a lot, doesn't it? About me, about he. I was finally able to look at that as a sign that i missed-eject that-maybe I simply revisited it when I was far enough removed to appreciate the difference in the level of caring I was able to bring to the table. It made me feel good to be needed, to bring him comfort. Now, it is making me feel even better to know I can do it for myself. This process is truly teaching me to be what yesterday's exercise suggested-my own best friend. I love having quality people in my life (who doesn't?) But the person I am going to love having around the most will be me. How's that for powerful intention?
You guys who are here reading with me, and feeling the pain I have felt have given me such a gift. You have allowed me, and Cat, to come into your lives, become your friends, and to be on a journey of an intensely personal nature with you. For that, I thank you. Not just for me, but for Cat, as well. It is a privilege to know you, to be able to be here with you. And it is a powerful gift you have given us-your trust. The same way I trust Cat with this wounded mess I call my heart, you have trusted me to bring her to you, and that is incredible. I am touched beyond my capability to express. Just know I love you, and I value you! Now on to day seven!
Today is called Life 101 for a reason. We are working in the book on how to break through our own negativity, and our own fears together. There is still a moment when I first wake in the morning that I half expect him to be there. When I drift in that zone between conscious and subconscious, I can feel what I perceive as his love to be wrapped around me, making me feel safe. Starting today, in Life 101, I am going to recognize that love is the love I have within myself. He is just the security blanket I don't need any more.
I am going to leave you again today with a lesson from the book. (Is it weird that part of me wants to call it my Bible?)
Here is what I realized about that. When he was sick, I was right there, being the caretaker, the loving partner. When I was sick, he was nowhere to be found. Says a lot, doesn't it? About me, about he. I was finally able to look at that as a sign that i missed-eject that-maybe I simply revisited it when I was far enough removed to appreciate the difference in the level of caring I was able to bring to the table. It made me feel good to be needed, to bring him comfort. Now, it is making me feel even better to know I can do it for myself. This process is truly teaching me to be what yesterday's exercise suggested-my own best friend. I love having quality people in my life (who doesn't?) But the person I am going to love having around the most will be me. How's that for powerful intention?
You guys who are here reading with me, and feeling the pain I have felt have given me such a gift. You have allowed me, and Cat, to come into your lives, become your friends, and to be on a journey of an intensely personal nature with you. For that, I thank you. Not just for me, but for Cat, as well. It is a privilege to know you, to be able to be here with you. And it is a powerful gift you have given us-your trust. The same way I trust Cat with this wounded mess I call my heart, you have trusted me to bring her to you, and that is incredible. I am touched beyond my capability to express. Just know I love you, and I value you! Now on to day seven!
Today is called Life 101 for a reason. We are working in the book on how to break through our own negativity, and our own fears together. There is still a moment when I first wake in the morning that I half expect him to be there. When I drift in that zone between conscious and subconscious, I can feel what I perceive as his love to be wrapped around me, making me feel safe. Starting today, in Life 101, I am going to recognize that love is the love I have within myself. He is just the security blanket I don't need any more.
I am going to leave you again today with a lesson from the book. (Is it weird that part of me wants to call it my Bible?)
Something really good is going to happen to me today.
And to you, too!
Until tomorrow, all my love and light my friends!
Cole, it's interesting that you referred to him as your security blanket, when he made you feel anything but secure. Thats a perfect example of the illusions we create which is coming up in a chapter soon called "shattering illusions" I think you'll find it most fascinating!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great, right on target and then some!
When the student is ready, the teacher will come :)
YOU. ARE. READY.
Love for sure,
Cat
Cat-
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how much your support in this means. From the instant I opened the book (and honestly before,) I have never felt alone. It is like I have my own personal cheerleading section, and you are the one with the most team spirit! When I mentioned in the introduction that I had the good fortune of being a soap fan, I never realized just how much it would change my life. You are amazing, and I am so blessed in so many ways. My gratitude to you and to God for seeing fit to put me in the right place at the right time and to open my heart to the possibility of a true reinvention is just unending.
So glad you are blazing the trail for us, and showing us the way!
So much Love and Light,
Cole