Day four was pretty good, when you take away the Benadryl-induced coma part. My allergies were really kicking my boo-tay yesterday, so I did something unusual for me: I took care of myself. Today, I have an appointment with 2 little boys whom I adore and a park (hopefully minus the skunk this time!)
RANDOM TANGENT-Why, oh why is Manhattan suddenly FULL of skunks???
Back on topic-so, after about an hour picking out the 'perfect' journal, I realized I needed the 'perfect' pen. For me, that means two things-purple ink and a fine point. I love purple. So much, in fact, that my bedroom has been a light shade of it for about a decade (thus the need to make a change in color-I finally decided on a silvery grey. Now, I just have to learn how to paint...)
On to today...so, I have to confront my inner Liar. 'The Tape' inside each of us which we play over and over that prevents us from succeeding. I once had a VERY frustrated therapist tell me that it baffled her how someone could be so afraid of success. She had such great faith in me, and saw in m what I refused to see in myself, someone who was inspired and capable of being inspiring to others. I just saw a pudgy, pimply young adult who was (in my opinion) not so attractive, and not particularly good at anything other than being an entertainer. So that's what I have done. Then and now. I entertain, I try to make people happy. No matter the personal cost. I somehow forgot that there was a me in there, who not only wanted but desperately needed to be loved and liked. I forgot that taking care of others would ultimately mean I would have to care for myself in an equal fashion.
How could I possibly take time out for me? Everyone around me didn't believe in it. My parents saw and see it as being self-indulgent, my grandmother spent her life trying to take care of my Aunt. As a child, I was trained to put the needs of others first by my Mom, who is a healthcare provider, and a damned good one. My role models were always focused on doing things for others FIRST. They didn't then (and my Mom still doesn't now) know how to take care of themselves. Cat talks in the book about how now, decades after a particularly hard time in her life, when she had to be reminded 'to belittle is to be little.' she is still struggling with 'the Liar'-the voice inside each of us that doubts our self worth, and picks us apart. Mine is more like a chorus of them. Telling me things like 'You're too fat. You're not talented enough to go to that audition. You never finish anything-why start? He cheated because you couldn't satisfy him. Your mother did all those drugs because you couldn't stop her, couldn't love her enough to help her heal after Dad left her for Mom.' Some days, the chorus can just be too much. Others, like today, I know that the Spirit within me is stronger for having faced each of those challenges and survived to share my story.
I know this; I don't want to wind up like my mother or father. I want to be the person who I am happy to come home to, but not the person who can't share that life with someone else because the one before left me so damaged, because I damaged myself so much that it is impossible to penetrate the scar tissue surrounding my heart. I know I want to 're-program' my Liar to become my BFF. I know Cat is helping me do just that.
I am going to share today's affirmation with you, though I am making it a point of leaving out specifics from the book because I WANT YOU ALL TO GET IT, AND JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST! Heartbreak or no, we can ALL benefit from these lessons. So, here it is-write on a card and put it somewhere you will see it often, like the bathroom mirror, or next to the toilet tissue (because, if we are going to read on the throne, it should be something uplifting!)
Today, I make a commitment to be my own best friend.
I am worth loving, and that starts with loving myself.
I will be gentle and kind to myself in all regards, in words and deeds.
I'm grateful for the lessons I'm learning from this heartache that will make me stronger, more compassionate toward others, and finally, the same loyal supportive, cherished friend to myself that I strive to be for everyone else I love.
Now, my beloved friends, go out into the world today and do something kind for a total stranger. Find the saddest soul you can find and give him or her something to smile about. Everyone has something that deserves to be complimented. Give a little of what we all deserve to receive-love.
'Till Tomorrow, all my light and love.
RANDOM TANGENT-Why, oh why is Manhattan suddenly FULL of skunks???
Back on topic-so, after about an hour picking out the 'perfect' journal, I realized I needed the 'perfect' pen. For me, that means two things-purple ink and a fine point. I love purple. So much, in fact, that my bedroom has been a light shade of it for about a decade (thus the need to make a change in color-I finally decided on a silvery grey. Now, I just have to learn how to paint...)
On to today...so, I have to confront my inner Liar. 'The Tape' inside each of us which we play over and over that prevents us from succeeding. I once had a VERY frustrated therapist tell me that it baffled her how someone could be so afraid of success. She had such great faith in me, and saw in m what I refused to see in myself, someone who was inspired and capable of being inspiring to others. I just saw a pudgy, pimply young adult who was (in my opinion) not so attractive, and not particularly good at anything other than being an entertainer. So that's what I have done. Then and now. I entertain, I try to make people happy. No matter the personal cost. I somehow forgot that there was a me in there, who not only wanted but desperately needed to be loved and liked. I forgot that taking care of others would ultimately mean I would have to care for myself in an equal fashion.
How could I possibly take time out for me? Everyone around me didn't believe in it. My parents saw and see it as being self-indulgent, my grandmother spent her life trying to take care of my Aunt. As a child, I was trained to put the needs of others first by my Mom, who is a healthcare provider, and a damned good one. My role models were always focused on doing things for others FIRST. They didn't then (and my Mom still doesn't now) know how to take care of themselves. Cat talks in the book about how now, decades after a particularly hard time in her life, when she had to be reminded 'to belittle is to be little.' she is still struggling with 'the Liar'-the voice inside each of us that doubts our self worth, and picks us apart. Mine is more like a chorus of them. Telling me things like 'You're too fat. You're not talented enough to go to that audition. You never finish anything-why start? He cheated because you couldn't satisfy him. Your mother did all those drugs because you couldn't stop her, couldn't love her enough to help her heal after Dad left her for Mom.' Some days, the chorus can just be too much. Others, like today, I know that the Spirit within me is stronger for having faced each of those challenges and survived to share my story.
I know this; I don't want to wind up like my mother or father. I want to be the person who I am happy to come home to, but not the person who can't share that life with someone else because the one before left me so damaged, because I damaged myself so much that it is impossible to penetrate the scar tissue surrounding my heart. I know I want to 're-program' my Liar to become my BFF. I know Cat is helping me do just that.
I am going to share today's affirmation with you, though I am making it a point of leaving out specifics from the book because I WANT YOU ALL TO GET IT, AND JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST! Heartbreak or no, we can ALL benefit from these lessons. So, here it is-write on a card and put it somewhere you will see it often, like the bathroom mirror, or next to the toilet tissue (because, if we are going to read on the throne, it should be something uplifting!)
Today, I make a commitment to be my own best friend.
I am worth loving, and that starts with loving myself.
I will be gentle and kind to myself in all regards, in words and deeds.
I'm grateful for the lessons I'm learning from this heartache that will make me stronger, more compassionate toward others, and finally, the same loyal supportive, cherished friend to myself that I strive to be for everyone else I love.
Now, my beloved friends, go out into the world today and do something kind for a total stranger. Find the saddest soul you can find and give him or her something to smile about. Everyone has something that deserves to be complimented. Give a little of what we all deserve to receive-love.
'Till Tomorrow, all my light and love.
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