Here's What Happens When You Run Into Him....

So, I was out with my friend Jesus the other night, having a perfectly marvelous time when, BAM.  He walked in the door to the club.  Aside from wanting to WRING his neck because the shock I was feeling felt a lot like pain for a few moments before I realized I was just stunned, not actually hurt, it wasn't awful.  I went outside, sent Cat a text, took a bit of a breather, and went back in.  There was no way I was going to let him screw up a perfectly good time.

You know what?  He didn't, and I didn't either.  I stayed and danced, played, sang, and felt JOY.  Even with him there.  Even though we didn't speak to each other until I was leaving and he said hi as I was on my way out the door.  I smiled my most winning smile and said-"Hello."  I then said good night and went on my way.  Cat was right there with me, in my head, letting me know that what was a pinprick today would have felt like a butcher knife to the heart two months ago.

Every day, in every way, things are getting better and better.

Love and Light.

A Year Ago...

At this time last year, I was with Steve.  Just under a month away from being engaged to the man who would break my heart into a million pieces.  I thought I was happy, thought I was safe.  As I re-read the blog from May-June, as I followed the book, I realize just what an illusion I was living under.  Shattering that illusion-the illusion that he actually loved me in the way he claimed to-was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  But I did it.  I faced that, and confronted so many of my darkest demons in 30 days, that it is almost as if there is more space in my heart for good and new and Light than I know what to do with!

Every day, in every way, things get better and better.

Sure I can worry about the economy, the Debt Ceiling, and a million other things I have no control over.  I do worry about them, but I know that God has a plan for me, and I believe it does not include the nation around me crumbling under a financial crisis, just as I prepare myself for the next step into a brighter future for myself, and for all those around me, whom I hope to serve.

Until next time, Love and Light!

Harry Slaughter (of my back)

I have been in so much pain-physically.  I threw out my back, and have been in utter agony over the past weeks.  I promise to keep you guys updated on a semi regular basis...

Love and Light!

Winning a Battle

Wow, was it just a day ago that I was starting to think OLTL may really be going prematurely to its grave?  I awaken today with a renewed sense of drive.  The announcement  that OLTL and AMC are going to be saved by going to a new, multi-platform  format was welcome relief for this weary warrior.

So, I finally said Yes

So, I finally broke down and said yes to an invitation to go on a date.  And you know what?  I had a GREAT time (Though I am not sure I recommend walking 2 miles in tight shoes, no matter HOW cute they are!)  We met up in Inwood for a drink, and then walked through Ft. Tryon Park to one of my favorite places-Kismet Restaurant on Ft. Washington Ave and W 187 Street in Washington Heights.

Note to self for future dating-2 things are important to remember 1. comfortable shoes 2. curry vindaloo on a 1st date is probably not a good idea!

We had a lovely dinner, learned a bit about each other, laughed a lot, and then met up with a friend at No Parking (a gay bar in upper Manhattan.)  Though my 'bestie'  was in his usual peacock mode, I managed to ignore it (for the most part) and enjoy myself for the one drink we had there (as my feet blistered and bled into my adorable shoes.)  

When he walked me to the train, we both were a bit nervous, and I know I wanted to kiss him, and it seemed like he wanted to kiss me.  We didn't.  Instead, we agreed to a second date.  

I will keep you updated.

Day/Chapter 30 Graduation Day

Stepping into the great unknown.  We all do it every time we walk outside our doors.  Today is the first day of the next chapter in my life, and though I will not be keeping a daily log any longer to share with you and Cat, I will be letting you know periodically how it is going!  In today's chapter, Cat walks us through a visualization, helping us to release the last vestiges of our pain.  As I went through it, I found myself alternating between tears and goosebumps. Tears of relief, of release.  Goosebumps from the anticipation at what lies ahead.  It is so effective, I may actually do a physical version of the visualization for a couple of other items I want to work through (the rape for one.)  I am really proud of the work I have accomplished in the last 30 days, and I am even prouder of you guys for seeing me through it.

I want to thank each of you for so many moments of true friendship you have given me over the course of this journey.  There are also those who I want to thank who I will reach out to privately, as well.  

The biggest thanks, however goes out to my new friend (who now is feeling like an old friend) Cat.  More than anything, it was hearing Cat's voice in my head (or via text or email) that reminded me of a truth I already knew somewhere-that I was worth taking these 30 days to heal.  That I am more powerful in the Light of God than depths of my despair would ever allow me to be.  That I am a child of God, just like every one of us, deserving of love and respect and good friends, and GREAT love in my life.  Over the course of this journey, Cat, along with some very close friends and family members, have never let me fall so far I couldn't get back up, brush it off, and keep traveling this road.

I also want to thank my dear, loving godsons, Andy and Leo.  They are too young to know anything other than their godfather has been especially 'huggy' lately, but their love and my joy at having them in my life are second to none.

Finally, a promise.  If any of you ever need your hand held, need a shoulder to cry on, need someone to remind you to LIVE LIVE LIVE as Auntie Mame would say, I am here.  Don't be afraid to reach out to me the way I have to you.  None of us has all the answers, but we can always try to find them-together.

Until next time-I send you all the Love and Light in my heart.

Day/Chapter 29 The Great Life

Wow, am I really only one day away for being 30 days into this?  I must be, because I feel about a million miles away from where I started, and so much closer to being 100% in my own skin (and comfortable there) than I remember feeling in a very long time (if ever!)   In this chapter, Cat talks about the present, and the inherent joy in each new day.

I like to think I live within an 'attitude of gratitude' with regards to my truly blessed life.  Some people may wonder where that attitude comes from when life in NYC on unemployment and pounding the pavement looking for work can be so difficult.  I will give you a few examples:

Out side the building I live in, there are these BEAUTIFUL lily plants that blossom every spring/summer.  Last night, I was walking with my friend Renat and he asked me what it was that smelled so different about my neighborhood.  I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him to look to his left.  There was a beautiful lily.  In the 28 years my friend has been alive he had LITERALLY never stopped to smell the proverbial roses.  I stop to appreciate them all the time.  

Every day, I make a point of noting the things in life which make me smile.  It doesn't take much to do it, and by recognizing that which brings us joy, we multiply the joy.  

Give it a try.  LOOK for the joy in your life.   You will see it is there, whether we recognize it or not.   When we recognize it, and give thanks to God/Universe for it, and most importantly SHARE it, it comes back to us a thousandfold.  Nothing makes me feel better than seeing someone else really smile.  

One day left.  Then, we take another step into the future...

Love and Light, today and always.