Day/Chapter 30 Graduation Day

Stepping into the great unknown.  We all do it every time we walk outside our doors.  Today is the first day of the next chapter in my life, and though I will not be keeping a daily log any longer to share with you and Cat, I will be letting you know periodically how it is going!  In today's chapter, Cat walks us through a visualization, helping us to release the last vestiges of our pain.  As I went through it, I found myself alternating between tears and goosebumps. Tears of relief, of release.  Goosebumps from the anticipation at what lies ahead.  It is so effective, I may actually do a physical version of the visualization for a couple of other items I want to work through (the rape for one.)  I am really proud of the work I have accomplished in the last 30 days, and I am even prouder of you guys for seeing me through it.

I want to thank each of you for so many moments of true friendship you have given me over the course of this journey.  There are also those who I want to thank who I will reach out to privately, as well.  

The biggest thanks, however goes out to my new friend (who now is feeling like an old friend) Cat.  More than anything, it was hearing Cat's voice in my head (or via text or email) that reminded me of a truth I already knew somewhere-that I was worth taking these 30 days to heal.  That I am more powerful in the Light of God than depths of my despair would ever allow me to be.  That I am a child of God, just like every one of us, deserving of love and respect and good friends, and GREAT love in my life.  Over the course of this journey, Cat, along with some very close friends and family members, have never let me fall so far I couldn't get back up, brush it off, and keep traveling this road.

I also want to thank my dear, loving godsons, Andy and Leo.  They are too young to know anything other than their godfather has been especially 'huggy' lately, but their love and my joy at having them in my life are second to none.

Finally, a promise.  If any of you ever need your hand held, need a shoulder to cry on, need someone to remind you to LIVE LIVE LIVE as Auntie Mame would say, I am here.  Don't be afraid to reach out to me the way I have to you.  None of us has all the answers, but we can always try to find them-together.

Until next time-I send you all the Love and Light in my heart.

Day/Chapter 29 The Great Life

Wow, am I really only one day away for being 30 days into this?  I must be, because I feel about a million miles away from where I started, and so much closer to being 100% in my own skin (and comfortable there) than I remember feeling in a very long time (if ever!)   In this chapter, Cat talks about the present, and the inherent joy in each new day.

I like to think I live within an 'attitude of gratitude' with regards to my truly blessed life.  Some people may wonder where that attitude comes from when life in NYC on unemployment and pounding the pavement looking for work can be so difficult.  I will give you a few examples:

Out side the building I live in, there are these BEAUTIFUL lily plants that blossom every spring/summer.  Last night, I was walking with my friend Renat and he asked me what it was that smelled so different about my neighborhood.  I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him to look to his left.  There was a beautiful lily.  In the 28 years my friend has been alive he had LITERALLY never stopped to smell the proverbial roses.  I stop to appreciate them all the time.  

Every day, I make a point of noting the things in life which make me smile.  It doesn't take much to do it, and by recognizing that which brings us joy, we multiply the joy.  

Give it a try.  LOOK for the joy in your life.   You will see it is there, whether we recognize it or not.   When we recognize it, and give thanks to God/Universe for it, and most importantly SHARE it, it comes back to us a thousandfold.  Nothing makes me feel better than seeing someone else really smile.  

One day left.  Then, we take another step into the future...

Love and Light, today and always.

Day/Chapter 28 Resources For Future Reference

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my sister Courtney where we talked about our failed relationships, and our successful ones.  Cour made an observation that I tended to date men like our Dad and she tended to date women like our Mom.  I guess that is the GLBT take on girls dating their Daddy and boys dating their Mommy.  I had never looked at it that way before, and part of me wanted to reject it immediately because, as much as I ADORE my Dad (I am one of those VERY lucky people who have parents who support, love and accept their GLBT kids as we are) I don't want to date him.  Add that to my list of things to watch out for!

On to today:

Wow, this list of resources is like a 'who's who' of the books in my home Library!  There is one book that Cat missed in the list that I think should be on anyone's 'Must Read' list.  The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron.   I read it first about a decade ago, and it has been collecting dust ever since.  I think it is time to revisit it.  But there are some on Cat's list that I am going to go to the Library and reserve as well :)

Many, many, moons ago,  in around 1993, I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.  I think at 17-18, I was simply not ready to absorb the lessons within.  But it did give me a foundation on which I could build spiritually and practically.

Day/Chapter 27-You Are So Beautiful

You know, I have been spending a lot of time with a 'bestie' of mine lately, and I am starting to realize something.  Our pattern is too predictable.   It is starting to seem like if we are out and about and someone shows interest in me, he gets all peacocky and (possibly without even being aware of it,) tries to mark his proverbial territory.  While it is perfectly acceptable for him to talk about his range of conquests, the standard for me is just a bit different.  When someone pays attention to him, and he engages in conversation, I don't act all pouty and left out, I entertain myself.  If the subway takes a while to get to him and I am a few minutes late, he gets almost unbearable, when I stand there waiting for a half hour or an hour, I just brush it off.  If I was not completely sure he had no romantic interest in me, I would say I was his back up plan.  So I am a bit confused about all this.  Despite the fact that there was once a time when I may have been interested, it has long since passed, so I don't know what to think anymore.

On to today...

What a great chapter!  Cat talks about the inner/outer connection when it comes to self esteem, and how little it really can take to make the outer feel more the way we want it to.  In one of my previous incarnations, I worked for a cosmetics company, and fell in love with color and skin care. Even though it may not be apparent, I use a light bronzer almost every day, and a clear mascara to thicken and define the lashes and brows.    On days when I am feeling particularly fab, I touch just the TIPS of my lashes with a cerulean mascara, which whitens the whites of my eyes, and makes the blue in the POP!  I almost always wear a lip protector of some sort, and I moisturize (with a great and inexpensive product from the drug store that I like better than any Department Store brand I have ever used)  every morning after my hot (as hot as my skin will take it) shower.  After reading this chapter, I asked Cat for a bronzer recommendation, as the one I use most is really too shimmery for daytime wear (at least on a guy!) I will let you know what we come up with!

Remember that we are ALL beautiful, desire-able creatures.  If you are feeling bummed, a little (or a lot) of pampering goes a long way!  Treat yourself to that hair color and cut, get (or give yourself) a facial, take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine and some killer music.  Your soul and the way you perceive yourself will thank you!  I know it works for me!

Until Tomorrow, Remember YOU ARE LOVED-YOU ARE LOVE INCARNATE!

Day/Chapter 26-Personality Types Part 3:A Cavalcade of Losers

(my apologies for the delay on these-transcribing took a while)

Wow, if it is one thing I hate doing, it is waiting.  And that is exactly what I have been doing for over a week now, with no response from the interviews.  But patience, they say, is a virtue.  I would like to be more patient, so here I am, giving it everything I have to not pick up the phone and follow up (at least until 7/1.)

It is funny to me that this journey started because someone else couldn't keep it in their pants, and I wound up standing up for myself, and setting limits.  There was a time when that was a completely foreign idea to me, and setting limits felt a little too much like being the 'nagging wife.'  Today, however, I am embracing the side of myself that knows how to say no.  While I may not want to, I thank him for pushing me, for every awful, horrible moment, for every tear, for every doubt.  Without those, I could not have made it here.  So, I thank ASH for the role he played in pushing me beyond my comfort zone, the role he played in getting me to say "buh-bye" and the role he played in bringing me to this process.  Without the pain, I never would have made the gains I have.  That being said, I still think he is an ass, and I am glad to be rid of the lies and infidelity.  

Today, the book covers more than I could possibly condense, so I will suffice it to say that in my life, my father is one of the personality types mentioned today (The World's Foremost Authority) and I seem to have had a knack in my past for falling for some combination of two others (the Bully/the Perpetual Victim.)  How can a victim be a bully, you may ask?  They learned from a young age that the only way to feel in control of their constant 'victim' status was to create other 'victims' to keep around them (at least that is my take on it.)  We have all heard the old saying 'Misery loves company.'  A bully who grew up a victim loves to create his own company.

I love that Cat is giving us early warning systems here.  It will definitely help to refer back to these when I get around to saying yes to the date invites I have been turning down lately...

Until Tomorrow, Love and Light!

Day/Chapter 25 Personality Types Part 2 Controller/Manipulators

So, yesterday's rallies were pretty fun, I got to see a lot of great people, and we had an overall fantastic time.  I did something completely out of the ordinary for me, however.  In the spirit of this whole 'committed to a new me' thing, I joined a gym a few short blocks from home.  Now comes the truly hard part-actually going there.  I purposely chose a gym within walking distance, so I could get there without any excuses of it not being nearby.  I chose one that has clubs with pools, because unlike the normal working out thing, I love to swim, I chose one that was affordable (30 bucks a month.)    Now, I have to 'just do it' and make it work for me.  I have a lifelong love/hate relationship with the gym.  I am a gay man, so the eye candy is the love part.  I am VERY self aware, so the idea other people can see me work out is the hate part.  Either way, I am going to do what I have to do.  Blinders on, focus intact.

On to the controller/manipulators.  I have dated a few of these, but I will admit it is a rare slip for me.  I am the ultimate free spirited Sagittarius.  The idea of not having the freedom to do as I see fit is anathema to me.   Fortunately, I can see very early on that the 'loving guidance' this type presents 'for my own good' is total BS, and simply a way to try to control and manipulate me into being basically a trapped being.  It is so contrary to my nature to be that way that I seem to naturally repel this type of being.

I think that makes me one of the lucky ones.  If you are reading this, so are you.

I send you my love and Light, as always!

Day/Chapter 24 Personality Types Part 1: Mr. Wonderful

So, here we are, with only seven days to go, and I find myself wondering what comes next?  I know that I am nowhere near being on the market again, and I know also that I have come to really look forward to our morning  or evening chats on this blog, to the messages i have gotten from you guys, to the knowing that there is someone (actually a big group of someones) who I can depend on to hold me to my commitment to this plan.  That being said, I also am so much more centered than i have been in a long time, if ever.

Today is the day of the 21 city rally that Fans United Against ABC has set up, and I am more than a bit nervous.  After being interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, CBS, on radio station is 4 cities, I think the interview thing is pretty easy.  It is the rallies themselves which have me nervous!  So much riding on so few, and at the end of the day, my name attached to all of it.  Who wouldn't be nervous?  Not to mention I should hear something from that interview series in the next few days.   Nerves on top of nerves!

Today in the book, Cat talks about the first of the broad personality types to be wary of-Mr. Wonderful.  We have all fallen for him at one point or another, only to find our quick hard fall led us to a quick hard landing.

I will reach out to you again tomorrow.  Until then, Love and Light!