An Open Window

Someone, somewhere said "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  Somehow, that saying made it into one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Sound of Music."  I can't tell you how many times that phrase has crossed my mind in the past few months.  As I have been dating, and exploring a stronger, more secure person named Cole than that guy I used to know way back when.  You guys probably remember him: he was curled up in a blubbering ball, crying into his keyboard last year.  Somehow that guy managed to send out a cry for help into the Twitterverse, and Catherine Hickland responded in her quiet, special way.

Today, I came really close to deciding to make it official with the guy I have been dating for the past two months, but I find myself wanting to hold back, to not trust.  On the one hand, he is really amazing,  Supportive of my dreams and projects, romantic and kind, dedicated to family and loyal.  On the other hand, he has a few habits I am not thrilled about and has a tendency to be ever so manly in the not communicating about feelings department.  But he has communicated enough to ask me to be his steady, and that feels pretty fucking amazing.  So why am I resisting?  What is keeping me from committing to this man who spends four or so nights a week cuddled in my arms, who doesn't hold back his affection, who is comfortable in his own skin, even if he isn't the most VERBAL person on the planet?  Is it the past?  Am I still afraid somewhere deep down inside that when God allowed me to close the door on the chapter of my life that was Steve, I didn't completely learn how to protect myself?

I think, friends, that the answer may be even simpler than that: I'm enjoying being single, despite the growing things I am feeling for this guy.  Add to that the fact that I have a temporary room mate (that's another story) and maybe I am just not ready to concede any more territory, be it physical or emotional, just yet.  I know that I want to go forward and see where it goes, but I don't know if now is the time to make that statement.

Is the window so high in the tower that I am not even noticing it is open?

Lyrically Inspired

"...You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before..."

-Alanis Morisette,  'Uninvited'

I was listening to some of my favorite music today, and this lyric stood out in particular.  Not that it hasn't before-today it just inspired me to write.

When Cat talks about being aware of our own power, and helps us find that stronger, inner place within, she helps us bring forward what we already own.  Each of us is powerful, unique, and intensely beautiful in our own right.  There is only one of each of us, and that makes us as beautiful as a pure snowflake, our individual personalities can shine like so many crystals of ice fluttering from the skies above us. Those of you who know me, know that I have a love for falling snow that is second to none.

Sometimes, those snowflakes bump into each other and change their appearance on their inevitable journey to the ground.  Those changes don't make them less beautiful, less special than they were before.  Often, two flakes join to become one larger, more beautiful flake.  Other times, the joining is not ideal, and the flakes somehow separate and fall separately.  I like to think of each of us in these terms: beautiful, delicate, fluttering crystals.  Sometimes, we collide with others, and the joining is just as flawless as those merged larger snowflakes.  Other times, the collision can damage one or both flakes.  That is where we have the advantage.

Snowflakes can't heal, can't prevent the crash into the ground.  We can.

Each of us has a beauty that is worthy of protecting. Each of us has a sacred mandate from our Creator to protect and nurture that beauty.  There is no love like mine.  There is no love like yours.  That unique love that each of us carries is the source of our beauty.  It is our responsibility to protect it (but not overprotect it) and feed it the energy it requires to grow and blossom.

Think of it like this: if a child is given all the tools she needs to explore her every talent, then she will learn how to not only excel, but share her knowledge with others, thus spreading her light into the world around her.  When you listen to a song you can't help singing along to, that is an example of what I am talking about.  That performer has touched a place in you which makes you want to share in that light.  That performer is also receiving your loving energy (even if it is from a distance) as you revel in their joy, or empathize with their pain.  The same is true for us.  When we open our loving light to the world around us responsibly, we can experience the ebb and flow of the love around us.  Not just romantic love, but the often much more lasting love of friends and family, of the neighbor's kid who loves to come over and play Monoply with you, of your pets, of the planet we are a part of, the Universe around us.

Sometimes, some of the energy that comes in can be hurtful, and that is when we need to be the most aware of the helpful energy or people around us.  Allow the helpful to outweigh the hurtful, and remember always that there is no love like yours.  It, like you, is a unique and beautiful creation in this Universe.  Both of you are worth celebrating.

I have an affirmation for you (and for me) today.  Let's say it out loud, together.

I AM WORTH CELEBRATING!

Until next time, Love and Light!

Cole

Stalking

So, recently I had what I call an "Andrea Evans issue."  Before I even went on a date with this guy, he began to display all the signs of being controlling to the point of stalking.  Somewhere, in the back of my head, I could hear Cat's voice telling me to be cautious with this situation, to tread carefully.  I had agreed to a date, however, and I am a man of my word.

I agreed to meet him in a VERY public place (Times' Square,)  and made sure a friend had his name, number and photo of him in case anything went wrong (a good idea for any first date if you ask me!)   A few hours before, he canceled, and asked for a rain check.  For some reason beyond my comprehension, I said yes.  But as the day of our rescheduled date came, I found him calling me over and over and over, texting me and becoming aggressive if I did not respond immediately.  When, finally, under pressure to solidify a time for our reschedule, I decided it was not a good idea, he went completely apeshit.  Calling me names, telling me how undesireable I was, saying he hoped I died, and that he would dance on my grave.  I had SIXTY FOUR missed calls from him in a four hour period.  My caution turned into outright fear, and I called the police.

I am grateful every day for the lessons learned from Cat and the tools she shares with us in her book.  I am able to apply them much more readily today than ever before, and I am remembering to listen to my gut instincts.

It gets better every day.

Love and Light,

Cole 

Something Great....

Since reading Cat's book, I try to wake up with the mantra suggested in it each morning.  "Something great is going to happen to me today!" Quite often, it does. In the first weeks of 2012, I attended the taping of the View's tribute to OLTL, met Agnes Nixon, was offered a free ticket to Loving Llanview (OF COURSE I went!) and attended the NY premiere of Madonna's W/E, hosted by none other than the Queen of Pop herself.  The rest of this entry is what happened that night.

So, I was lucky enough to be invited to a screening of the Madonna-directed W/E at the Ziegfeld Theater in midtown Manhattan last Monday.   Needless to say, the prospect of attending an official red carpet, NYC film premiere was a BIG deal to me.  Add to that the prospect of being in the same room as the Queen of Pop herself, and I was a ball of excited nerves!  My best friend Jesus and I  brushed elbows with some amazingly talented people that evening: Ewan McGregor, Julia Stiles, Lady Bunny and more were in attendance.  When Madonna was introduced, and came to the front of the theater to speak, I was excited beyond comprehension.  Not that it was my first time at an event with her, but any chance to see M is exciting for me.   The Marchesa gown she was wearing was flawless, and her speech was both heartfelt and personal.  Madonna discussed her inspiration to make this film, and even paused to thank her long deceased mother in a tearful moment.  After the 14 minute speech and introduction from M, the film rolled.

If I had gone in with low expectations for Madonna's directorial debut, I would have been selling her short.   Madonna and her supremely talented cast not only delivered, they exceeded expectations at every turn.  Humanizing one of the best known historical romances of all time in and of itself would have been a challenge; intermingling it with a contemporary one turned the film into a director's nightmare which by all rights should have been a disaster.  Instead, Madonna and company presented us with a masterpiece.  The two stories wove seamlessly into each other, and the inspiration Wally took from Wallis as she learned more and more about the truth about her life was generously shared with the audience.  Also not lost was the message that love comes with a price.  In the case of Wallis Simpson, the loss of her privacy, her popularity, and the ability for her to ever return to England (she and Edward VIII were never again allowed in the country after the abdication, save when she attended his funeral.)  In the case of Wally, it was the materially comfortable life she had shared with her very well off socialite husband.  The story in the film is not lost on us, and the fresh perspective with which it looks at a well known historical romance is both refreshing, and, at times, shocking. We often forget Wallis Simpson and Henry VIII were simply 2 people in love, and that love can make us do unexpected things.  We tend to focus on what he gave up to be with her, and forget the price she paid to live this fairy tale.  This film gives us the contrary viewpoint, and does so in a vivid and touching way.

As the film ended, I looked around me to see the likes of Gayle King and Martha Stewart on their feet applauding this film, which just confirmed what I already knew: Madonna had done something special with this film.  I highly suggest you go see what I mean.

Sometimes, in order to get where we are headed, we have to pause where we are and take an inventory.   Sometimes that inventory will reaffirm what we thought we knew about our journey through life.  More often, however, it will show us a need for a slight course correction and a new destination.  

Push Back

So, I was involved in a conversation this evening with my Uncle's girlfriend.  She was ranting and raving about him (as usual) and when I had the gall to agree with her therapist on the fact that there can be more than one kind of abuse and my uncle overheard it, he started recording from the next room, as unbeknownst to me, I was on speaker phone.  Not to say that there was anything said in that conversation I do not stand behind 100%.  The man is a 55 year old child, selfish, on drugs, and doesn't fool anyone with his whole "divide and conquer" manipulation mentality. 

Don't get me wrong: I love my uncle.  I just don't like him.  The man has a wonderfullly loving, but terribly wounded heart. 


So, at TWO IN THE MORNING, my big bad uncle decided he had to call his little brother and stir the pot, wake him up in the middle of the night, and cause a shitstorm.  Do I discount that I played a part in this?  No.  Did a third party need to be involved in something that had nothing to do with them? Absolutely not.  I am far from an innocent bystander, and I will readily admit that I have a lot of vitriol where my Uncle is concerned.  So much so that I deleted and blocked him from FB after getting a call from my very upset younger Uncle asking me what I was doing talking to this lady.  I was doing exactly that: talking.  I was comisserating in her misery, and trying to offer her a release valve, and a calm voice, though I was unsuccessful in my desire to be calm and reasonable.  Where this particular Uncle (or my Mother, for that matter) is concerned, the wonds are too deep, the scars too ugly to try to heal anymore.

I have tried therapy, I have written about it, I have taken anti depressants since I was ten, and still, the pain that this particular member of my family causes with his mere existence can sometimes be more than I can reasonably bear.  So I become angry, I lash out, I push him away.

I think it is time to push away a little harder.

Dating Again.

So, I decided to be fully available and back 'out there.'   I have started dating a really sweet guy who I think I could actually like.  He lives in the Dominican Republic, which is a plus and a minus, though.  The plus being that we actually have to get to know one another over time and we are forced to court one another (I actually love this part!) The minus being the obvious challenge of distance and international dating, particularly for GLBT couples.   If this gets serious there will be some hefty challenges as far as being able to be together goes, but we are both interested enough to give it a shot.

When I was in the hospital last week, he was there every day, taking care of me and ensuring I didn't feel alone while sick.  That earned him some big brownie points.

"When someone shows you who they are-believe them."

How Will I Know? (NOT Whitney Houston's version)

How will I know for sure I am over it?  I get asked this question often by people who have come across this blog.  Before today, I didn't have an answer that made sense to me.

Today, which was a BEAUTIFUL day despite this weekend's freak October snow storm in the NY area, I was in Yonkers riding on a bus, and a song that had me doubled over in a drippy ball of snot flowing, cheek burning, gasping for breath tears in the spring did something completely surprising:

 it made me smile.

When do you finally let it SINK IN that you are better?  When a song that used to make you cry makes you smile.

That is my answer.

I love you guys for taking this journey with me. I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween!