Day/Chapter 14 Bitter Party of One, Your Table Is Waiting

So, day 13 was truly 'lucky'  I scheduled the interview for Thursday (day 15) at 2PM.  Can I really be the same person who was so upset just a few weeks ago?  Yeah, I guess so.  But I choose not to be.   Sure, I am still pretty damned pissed off about the circumstances surrounding our breakup, and I even about once every three days indulge myself in wondering how he is/if the baby is born yet/are they even together?  But, as my good friends Jesus and Jackie are prone to tell me 'It's none of your business anymore, Cole.'  Cat says the same thing in the book this morning, with the addendum that my life is also none of his business anymore.  Does that stop a part of me from wishing he would suddenly grow a brain and stumble across this blog? Not really.  But I know better.  More importantly, if he were reading (and I knew it) I think  I would have a hard time being this honest about all this.

I was 100% blown away by something in the book today.  Cat offers us a truly safe outlet for all those letters we want to write the person who we ended things with:mail them to her PO Box (no, I am not giving you the address-you're gonna have to get the book for that, and thus ends my shameless plug <smile>.)  Yup.  She will shred them, never read them, and you can get all that weight off your chest!  This woman's generous nature never ceases to amaze me (nor does her ability to find a simple, yet creative solution to an age old problem.)  I am big on practicality, if you haven't figured that out yet, and I truly appreciate a practical solution to an emotional situation.  Following this plan and working this solution out is exactly that: practical.  I don't find myself daunted by the emotional nature of the work I am doing here because the work makes sense to me.  Maybe all those years in therapy (I recently had a therapist tell me I had been in therapy too much and that I should take a break or go to school to become a therapist, or both)  have paid off.  Maybe I am just open to the lessons now when I was not before.  Maybe Cat is just the right teacher.  Maybe all of the above.  Honestly who cares?  It is present today, and it is working for me, on more levels than I ever dreamed imaginable.  Next stop:working on the weight issue...a bit more daunting, but I am really starting to believe I can do anything! 


On the weight topic, I was trying on interview clothes today, so I could be all pressed and polished for tomorrow.  Almost nothing fit.  I was reduced to a momentary (ok, not so momentary) fit of tears in frustration.  Something's not working there.  I am eating well, eating less volume, and spreading it out better (5 small meals instead of 3 large.) But, one step at a time, right?  I finally figured out an outfit: basic black suit (a bit old, but it fits) killer Hugo Boss white ribbed French cuff shirt with silver and Onyx cuff links, Hugo Boss geometric tie in a maroon, but that changes depending on the light, and black Boss loafers (told you I was a Boss ADDICT.)   Maybe I will take a snapshot and send it to you guys in tomorrow's blog...that would be a nice change of pace-let me know what you think.

I am so nervous, but I got an email from my friend from the train and she said the company NEVER moves this fast on a resume, so that says a lot.  I am sure something great is going to happen tomorrow!  For all of us.

Until then,  all my love and light!

Day/Chapter 13-Get off the Cross-We Need the Wood!

So day 12 was great!  Remember the nice lady on the train?  The one who works for the department store?  Well, she came through in a major way, and I got called by the company to come in for an interview!  Talk about the power of intention and God stepping in to intervene right when you need it most!  Wow, when I think that just about 2 weeks ago, I was curled up in a ball, crying over a man who didn't deserve my time, unemployed, and with very little on the future radar it is hard to believe I am the same person.  Actually, I guess none of us are the same as we were two weeks ago.  That is the beauty of taking a journey like this one, you are able to 'Re-invent Yourself" (a phrase I stole from the message on the jumbo-tron at the end of Madonna's Reinvention Tour, hardly her original, but that is where it came to me.)   At the end of each moment, we are renewed, and refreshed, and our cells  and organs are working hard to purge our bodies of any toxins and waste products we may have inside.

I like to think of negativity as a waste product.  It is something that comes into our lives, but we have no real use for it.  Like so many things in life, we have a choice: we can pack it away into a closet somewhere, with all the other stuff we will never use again, and wait for the closet to get so full that things start falling out when the door opens, or we can toss it into the recycle bin, thus allowing it to leave our space, and go get broken down and turned into something new and useful.  It really is that simple.  If there no room in our lives for good things to enter, they never will.   I have a rule about shopping that applies to our everyday lives as well.  For every new item I buy, I donate or give away 2.  I have closets full of clothes (remember I work in retail) that i never wear, and never will.  So why keep all that stuff in my life when I don't need it (and someone else probably does?)   Simple.  I don't.   When I worked for GAP, at one point in time I went through my closet and realized I had 42 pairs of almost identical khakis, and about 20 pairs of almost identical jeans. Nobody NEEDS that much of a wardrobe, even at Holiday (when, as anyone in retail will tell you, there is no time for doing laundry!)  That was when I came up with the buy 1 dump 2 rule.  It works in the closet and it works for me in life.  Now, even though I have a full wardrobe, I don't have more than I really need.  I am satisfied with my clothes (though my addiction to Hugo Boss needs some work!)  I am satisfied with my life, exactly as it is right now.  If something is not useful, it can be recycled.  If it is, I can keep it, and have some space for it (and me) to breathe and not feel cluttered.  Waste not, want not (or my version of it anyway!)

On to day 13...ah, lucky 13!

Today, Cat talks about 'owning your power.' Not the aggressive, all encompassing, ego-driven power that society has told us should be what we desire, but our true power as human beings. I recently told her that the fact that all of you are listening and reading is kind of scary for me, because it included a level of responsibility and accountability.  To you, and more importantly, to myself.  Our biggest commitment should be to ourselves at the end of the day (and the beginning and the middle!) I am still scared, but I have realized that what I perceive as fear is just nerves most of the time.  I am out there, bearing all for you to see, and that is a daunting prospect for someone who is normally very private with their emotions (let's face it, I am still a guy-gay or not, we all come with a built in desire to be stoic.)   This process is so good in so many ways for me:  I am learning to won my feelings and release them to do their work in the Universe, I am learning to be more open about my spirituality (normally a very private matter for me as well.)   I am learning to just be.  No scripts, no planned or programmed responses.  I am living my truth, and so are you, as you follow, and so will you be when you (if you haven't already) pick up the book, and start your own journey with Cat.  By the way, if you haven't picked up the book-what are you waiting for? Life doesn't magically change-it takes work!  I want one of you to become the next "me."  I want to share in you success, and send you e-hugs telling you how proud I am of you, and how inspired I am by you (I already am, by the way.)  This book, and this blog, have truly changed my life.  And you are here to witness it, and be a part of it.  There are tools here all of us will use for the rest of our lives, and which we will share with others, as I am with you, as Cat is with all of us, which will change the world we live in.  Imagine a world of kind and strong and loving and powerful souls, working together for a common good.  It can happen.  We can make it so.

Until tomorrow, I send you all the knowledge that you are my inspiration, and I share my love and light with you!

Day/Chapter 12-Dating Mr. PR Agent, Living with Mr. Reality

Day 11 was good, but rough at the same time.  I caught myself slipping back into the habit of looking at his window as the train rolled out of his stop.  I immediately switched the song on my iPod from the sappy one I had on to something more cheerful.  Progress was made, though.  I shed not a single tear, silent or otherwise.  I can guarantee you this: he is not thinking about whether or not it bothers me when I go by.  He has moved on with the new life he is living, and I am not a part of it.  Thank God.  Yup thank God I am free of the lies, the name calling, the cruelty and all the BS that came with it.  I reminded myself when I had to to hit the EJECT button, I pulled back for perspective, and remembered that God has a plan for my life, and that it involves me being truly happy and fulfilled in all ways.  With or without a man in my life, there are moves to make, and bills to pay, and flowers blooming to appreciate, and new friendships as well as old to nurture.  I reminded myself that the only person who I really ever have to wake up with is me, and that the heart I have, so full and ready to share, is a gift.  Every hug, every smile or tear, every laugh or groan reminds me I am still here, still experiencing   life, still able to give and receive love.  And so are you.  We all have the gift of a heart capable of such great love, of a voice worth hearing, of the ability to listen and share and grow.  So, when I am tempted to slip into the old feelings of sadness, I remember how far away from happy the relationship took me, and I remember that something great is going to happen to me today, and I move forward another step.  I change the song on the iPod of my life from something sad to something cheerful and inspirational.  You know what?  It works.


Today, Cat talked about exactly what happened to me last night, the inevitable thinking of him or missing him.  She mentioned how natural it is, but she also reminded us to put him into the perspective of the real person, and not to romanticize him.   Appropriate after what I was feeling yesterday.  I have said before, and it bears repeating, that it feels like this book was tailor written for me.  I bet you feel the same way, too.  The chapters resonate in my heart the way only a true friend's loving words can, and I am more grateful each day to have my new friend be a part of my life.  When we date, we tend to put forward an illusion of ourselves.  This is something i try to avoid, because the 'real me' comes through quickly anyway.  I am proud of who and what I am, but I definitely can remember a time when I was not.  I remember sending out the PR Agent version of me on dates, and the inevitable disappointment when I did not measure up to what the advertised product was.  So now, I try to just be me from go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  Either way, I know I am being honest.  It is a nice change from trying to wear an ill fitting suit of who I am 'supposed' to be.

Today, take off the mask.  Just be yourself.  Most importantly, know I love you, even though we don't know each other, we are part of a family, bound by our truth, and our pain, and our love and the love of God.

Till tomorrow, Stay Blessed, and share the Light!

Day/Chapter 11-What's The Prize?

I know, I know, where was I yesterday?  I took a day and did absolutely....nothing.  You know what, it felt GREAT!  Not that I am advocating it for everyone, but, I needed a break from life (hey don't we all sometimes?) I took a long bubble bath with my favorite bottle of Pinot Noir, watched my week's worth of One Life to Live, walked to the park and read some fiction, and just all around enjoyed the day.  I wandered around my Brooklyn neighborhood, enjoying the beautiful Victorian architecture of the homes here, and actually stopped to listen to the birds and pay attention to the sensation of the breeze.  Sounds cheezy, right?  It may be, but I loved EVERY MOMENT OF IT!  Then as I was making dinner (carne guisada over rice with a spinach salad and home made corn bread-I love mixing it up!) I felt like I had missed something, like the day wasn't complete. That's when it hit me: I was making the very meal I had made (without the corn bread) on our first date.  I was missing him.  Ugh.  It had sneaked up on me like a murderer in an alley.   How dare I do something for me, that I used to do for him?  My response?   EJECT!  Not only did I dare, I enjoyed it! After dinner I sat in my living room with my cat, finished Friday's episode, and went to bed.  Yes there was a little SOS political drama at the VERY end of the day, but after a VERY deep (and long) sleep, I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to get back into my groove.

I got up this morning (afternoon actually,) went to church (the Catholic one nearby is nice, even though I am what I laughingly call a 'recovering Catholic' and I wanted to stay local) and then I took my walk again after changing out of my 'Church Clothes.'  Yes, I am one of those people who gets dressed for Church.  No jeans for me in there!  After my walk, I came home and had a light breakfast as I read today's chapter.  There is a mantra in there I want to share with you:

Say what you mean and mean what you say, and assume

that unless there's evidence to the contrary that he's doing the same.

There is a great exercise in the book for today, and the part of me that wants to just rush through and get over him completely is peeved I didn't do it yesterday, but the smarter part of me realizes that I did what I have promised to do yesterday-I was kind to myself, and to others when I took a call from a dear dear friend who is going through a rough time in her own life late last night.  She is picking up the book, BTW, and joining me and you on this journey.  I welcome her with open arms to this process, and I ask each of you to send her as much love as you can muster in her pain right now, because she will feel it coming.  She may not know from where until she reads this, but she will feel it.  

Until tomorrow, my friends-I love you, and we are ALL right where we should be-moving forward!

Day/Chapter 10-Whose Reality Is It Anyway?

Cat starts every chapter of the book with a quote.  I love today's quote especially, and feel strongly it should be a theme in all our lives, so I am going to share it with you.

'When Things Go Wrong, Don't Go With Them'

-ANONYMOUS

Day nine was kind one of those days where you run around like a chicken with no head, trying desperately to get everything 'done,' yet somehow it feels like you are going against the grain.  I have learned through a lot of trial and error, that sometimes the Universe and God throw us a curve ball to check our progress.  The train is late, your haircut isn't what you wanted, you get a little sunburned in the park with your godsons, your friend is moody  because your first late train made you miss your connection to the other one, and you are about 20 minutes behind schedule for life-well, you get the picture of my life yesterday.  I think we are given days like that one to test and strengthen our resolve, to force ourselves to truly remember to appreciate the ones when everything goes right, and to live in constant gratitude for the gift of another day, of more moments to share and receive love.  I feel sometimes like Cat wrote this book specifically for me. That quote this morning was just what I needed to start my day off right!  I took my time and digested the chapter a bit, rather than writing first thing in the morning, because I needed to get up and into the GORGEOUS day that is today.  The weather is perfect in NYC, not too hot to be endured yet, and I felt the call of the park and the sun and the trees and grass, so I got out and walked.  I did a four mile loop from my house, around the drive in Prospect Park and back, and it felt good.  My feet are a bit sore now, but that is a small price to pay for such a great start to my day.  I am making a renewed commitment to myself today to do more things like this, and to remember to be kind to myself physically.  My body, and my soul deserve the kind of TLC that comes with healthier living.

So, now to chat some about day 10.  On that walk I mentioned earlier, I carried my journal in my knapsack, and my trusty refillable aluminum water bottle (If you don't have one-get one!  They are great, and you're not adding any more plastic to the world's trash piles!) which I take everywhere.  

RANDOM TANGENT-I love NYC water.  In South Florida, where I grew up, you can taste the chemicals they treat the water with, and here, all you taste is water-yum!  

Back to the day-so, at a secluded picnic table in the park, I sat down with my journal and did todays "heartwork."   I poured my codependent ass onto those pages, and allowed myself too feel every positive and negative thing about the events that were the story of 'us.'   As I wrote, I came to a rather startling realization. I deserve better.  Let me repeat that I found that startling.  You see, up until this point, I had made excuses for the hitting, hair pulling, name calling, cheating bastard.  I never stopped to think about me, and how all that had made me feel.  I was simply reacting (if I cut my hair so short he can't pull it-he won't be tempted to, right?) to him, and trying to tap dance around his feelings, and put up a front to my friends and family that everything was not just OK, but GRRR-EAT!  Who did I think I was fooling?  The answer to that is myself.  I allowed my own fears of abandonment supersede my need to take care of my own well being.  

I am far from alone in this, and I am sure there are many of you who can not only relate, but probably add to my laundry list of wrongs.  Let's face it.  People treat us the way we allow them to.  Nobody in innocent in a situation that goes bad, because the one who stays and tries to 'fix' the person hurting them is just as guilty as the one who is doing the hurting.  I was hurting myself in order to try to make him happy, and that's just not OK.  Remember that quote above?  I know I am going to for the rest of my life.

Now, get the hell away from your computer and go do something you enjoy, all by yourself!  You'll thank me for telling you to later, because I am definitely thanking Cat for reminding me to take care of me!  If you are anything like me (and if you are still with us on day 10, I would be willing to wager you are) you not only deserve to do something for yourself-you need to.

Until tomorrow.  Love and Light, my dear, dear friends.

Day/Chapter 9-Shattering Illusions

So, that lady I met on the train I told you about? My resume is now firmly in her inbox, and I am excited at the prospect of getting my groove on again professionally.  There is more to me than retail, yes, but I LOVE what I do, and I am GREAT at it.  Why deny myself that (or the employee discounts?)

I am dealing with some seriously old demons here, the "Liar" is hard at work trying to tell me I can't do this or I can't do that, or I will fail if I try.  Here is the kicker, Mister "Liar" in my head.  I SEE YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE!  I AM amazing, and I deserve the greatest love, because that is exactly what I have to offer from my God-self, and in my life there is no room for imitations of love, or pretend love or a warm body to fill the void love.  I am not allowing the Liar to tell me that it is o.k. to stay home and skip out on  my spiritual life.  Instead, I am using the "eject" button, and focusing my considerable strength (which I am learning is not something to be afraid of) on the Truth, on the inner, God given voice that tells me "YES YOU CAN, YES YOU WILL!"

So, how do we know the truth from the lie, how do we gain perspective on what is sometimes like a Van Gogh that you are standing too close to?  Cat uses a simple word to remind herself to seek the truth.  "Identify."  Sounds easy enough, sure.   But you and I both know real life is not always so clear.  Or is it?  Are we just looking at the dots and missing the painting?  Together, we will find out.  As I have said before, I am committed to this process, and I am loving the results I am seeing from the work.  You know what I have learned?  Shhhhh.  It's a secret.  The simplest answer is almost always the truth.  When we stare at a bunch of dots close up, we forget to step back and take in the whole.  I am going to use 'identify' to stop myself long enough to take the few steps back to see the entire beautiful painting.

Until tomorrow, I send you love and the Light of God.

Day/Chapter 8-You're Making Me Uncomfortable

So remember yesterday, and the talk about intention?  Remember "Something really good is going to happen to me today"?  It did.  I was on the subway on my way to see the godsons (yes they are a HUGE focus in my life) and I struck up a conversation with a really nice lady.  We talked about the blog, the book (which I HAD to pull out of my knapsack to show her) and clothing.  When she asked me what I did for a living, I told her that, historically, I worked in retail, but was currently on unemployment.  That was when the something really good happened.  She asked me for my resume.  Turns out she is an executive at a major department store.  Luck?  Maybe.  But I believe it was intention, and God putting the right person in my path at the right moment.

THIS WORKS, PEOPLE!

Random Tangent: When did I start becoming one of those people I used to make fun of?  You know the type.  Up early in the morning, in an incurable (and seemingly contagious) good mood, smile on their face, ready to confront the world and all in it?  I swear, the jaded New Yorker in me wants to slap some sense into this zippity-fucking-doo-dah person I am seeing in the mirror right in the mouth.  My friends are telling me that I am more like my 'old self' than they have seen me in a long time(though I feel significantly different.)  I never knew I was annoyingly chipper.  Maybe I have just forgotten. Though, I must admit, I find it kind of, well, rude when people compare you with your 'old self.'  Of course I am like my old self-he was me-I am simply a new and improved model.  You know what, screw it.  I like this new and improved version of the old me.  Inner jaded beast monster (AKA 'the Liar') be damned!

Although, I must admit I want to pull a Nell Carter on the scale right now, grab it by it's skinny neck and call it a LIAR!


Let's go straight for day 8

I can guarantee you my award speech will not be: "I'd like to thank my significant other for reminding me every day what an insensitive, stupid, inept, disappointing, neglectful bitch I am" (direct quote from the Bible.) Because I am not any one of those things.  I am not a talentless hack, I am not a bad cook, I am not a selfish partner.

There are 3 mantras for today, and I am going to do the work it takes to get used to the one that is giving me some discomfort, "bye-bye."  I am very good at tuning out the world when need be, but I am not yet as good as I will be at saying "bye-bye" when it is warranted.  I will admit I am better now than I was before when it comes to this.  I am proud of myself for that.  I recently ended an almost decade long friendship with someone who was a total user, and who insisted on calling me some horrible names.  She even went so far as to tell someone I was in a relationship with to "run for the hills-you're too good for him" (with friends like that...)  But what it took for me to finally cut the cord is for me to realize that I couldn't save her.  She was living in my apartment (for free) and had my space packed with boxes, clothes strewn about, her 2 cats torturing mine, and the ONE this I had said no to (her bicycle coming into the house instead of her storage unit) she couldn't respect.  After a few months of this, (and her complaining that it was 'too messy in here') I was simply done.  I told her to leave.  She intimated that I would be ending our friendship by doing so.  I told her that she had done that a long time before by not respecting our friendship, or contributing to it.  She was draining me.  I had to say 'bye bye.' And I did.  After that, I realized that she had never really been my friend at all.  She didn't know how to be a friend (not that I always did either.)  We are better off charting our own courses, and I hope she is also happy and growing.

Today, I am starting a list (those who know me well will balk in disbelief at the word 'list,' as I am famous for hating them) of the things which it is time to say 'bye bye' to.  Not that I am going to tackle those 'bye bye's' all at once, but just to increase my awareness of the toxins in my system, and to begin eliminating them.