2015-another journey and a different kind of heartbreak.

I can't believe a year and a half have passed since the last entry here.  On the one hand-it is great to know that my life has been basically smooth sailing for that long-on the other hand, it is sad that I am returning to start the process here over again, for a different reason this time.   My brother, (okay for those of you who get all technical-stepbrother) Albert, died in a car accident almost two weeks ago, and it is kicking my ass.   I have been in a state of almost constant anger and depression since it occurred.   I pretty much went straight into a place where everyone pissed me off all the time, and drove some good friends to the breaking point before I realized the one breaking apart at the seams was me.   i keep looking at this pink jacketed book on my nightstand, and thinking I should text or email Cat to see what she would say about using the 30 day plan for mourning.   Somehow, though, I know her response would be to go for it-to utilize these wonderful tools she has shared with us in any circumstance I need to in order to be the healthiest, best me possible.  

Knowing that my Moms (biological, step, and grand) are all following this blog, I offer this disclosure: I am keeping it totally real, and not pulling any punches.   If I trusted you enough to let you into the broken heart of a hopeless romantic, trusting you to be a part of my grieving isn't very difficult at all.  Even though you may not like or approve of what I write here, I am not editing out the parts of my life I don't want the family to know any more.  this journey, though shared, belongs to me alone.   I will tell it from my perspective, with complete honesty in the telling.   Anything less would be unworthy of putting my name on.  Remembering the old adage "you are only as sick as your secrets" will help us through this together.  

Come, hold my hand, and get stronger with me.   If you are in mourning as I am, we will mourn together, cry together, and grow in love together.   If you are simply reading along, I am willing to wager you have something you would love to let go of; some old pain, some old flame.   Join us in letting go of suffering, and welcoming in joy.

I love you, I love me, I love God's Universe we belong to.

Let us begin...

I'm Letting You Go, So I Can Be Free

"...To live my life as it should be...I'll be fine without you/YES I WILL..."

-Leona Lewis ' Better In Time'

Someone I love recently reached out to me in need of assistance I could not provide for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being my own baggage about the four times we have been together as a couple over the past decade.   When I sat down and prayed over the situation, I realized that I hadn't fully released him from his past commitments to me.

In an email I wrote over the past few days, I shared with him what I will call our last kiss.  I did my best to be completely honest, but not cruel or accusatory.  I admitted my own mistakes, and ended in a prayer.  I would really like you guys' take on how you think I handled it.  The email is as follows, names included are unchanged.

My Darling Gregory, 

You've been online, you've seen my messages, and you had nothing to say.   Not even your condolences.    Part of me is hurt and surprised.   Part of me just doesn't care that you don't care if I am in pain, or in more debt now as a result of your carelessness with PayPal money you sent me which wasn't yours to send this week.  Either way-I can't allow you to take me down this dark road with you.  MY life and MY future can and do not depend on YOU.   So, I have this to say:

Good bye Gregory.  

 

I will ALWAYS love the man I saw inside you-the one who was too damaged and frightened of his own potential to ever be allowed to explore it.  The kind and loving man who was slowly coaxed into relaxing just a bit, who smiled more, who laughed easily.  Who LOVES me, exactly as I am.  Who, like me is:

A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

I pray and hope you can save yourself. And I am so sorry I had to pick to save myself before this drug took me as it did you. But I HAD to escape the pain and the torture of what it is doing to the love of my life.  

THANK YOU

For loving me, in the best way you knew how, for making me feel safe and for bringing me-however fleetingly, peace and joy that I will hold onto as long as I live.  Thank You for allowing me to fall and break.  Thank you for showing me it was okay to get myself up and make the necessary changes.

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO HEAL.

I think of you several times a day, and always will remember our times together with fondness, and a touch of sadness for the life we were denied.  

I FORGIVE YOU. 

Because you have a beautiful soul, and because my soul deserves to be free of the burden of anger and sorrow:

I RELEASE YOU.

You are free to grow and thrive, and it is my fondest wish that you will do exactly that, so I release you of any lingering hold or feeling of commitment to me you may have.  

I WROTE A PRAYER FOR YOU-

"Gregory's Prayer"

Dear LORD, I bring before you today a petition for the wellness of someone very special.  One of Your children needs Your intervention, please allow him to:

Live long, and prosper in joy..  Be well, an  be wealthy in love and happiness.  Be loved, and bathe himself in the warmth that comes from all the love he gives being most generously returned.  Be at peace within, so he may share that peace and calm to others and his spirit can commune with God's Universe in this world and the next. 

AMEN.

Continuing the Journey

I have learned that since my introduction to this book, I have become an advocate for the power within each of us to own our own hearts.  In a conversation tonight with someone who is on day 1 (and who bought the book BEFORE the breakup at my urging!) I said the following:

You will VERY VERY soon realize that the BEST relationship in your life is about to take a major turn for the better

the relationship you have with YOU

I know I sound like I drank Cat's Kool Aid, and maybe I did, but damn it is some good shit!

Wow!  Where is that eternal pessimist who used to live in my brain?  I guess he finally got the note and decided to get out before he got thrown out.  Every now and then, I still hear him gnawing and gnashing his teeth, chomping for a way back into my head-space.  When I hear that familiar bitter tune begin to play, i visualize myself pressing the "EJECT" button on my internal CD player (okay, okay, in my head, it is actually a cassette tape player LOL!) Since starting this portion of my journey, I have been tempted and challenged and lured and pulled and pushed in many ways, not the least of which was by an old flame I had never really gotten over.  What I realized, after that now aborted attempt at repairing something which was not only long broken, but just completely wrong for the person I am today, is that the past really can just be left where it is.    I have created a new affirmation set for myself today, and it is on an index card on my bedroom mirror, Where I can see it every morning and evening.  Feel free to use the set if you like.  The card reads:

I don't have to go back to learn from the past.  

I don't need to revisit past experiences to understand what brought them to be, or to avid repeating them.

Today, I am only moving FORWARD.

I am so grateful my friend reached out to me at this particular time, so I could be there with all the tools Cat gave me, and helped me find within myself, to hold her hand and give her a shoulder to cry on and a friend to rally for her when she feels she can't do it for herself.  I am grateful for the heartbreaks I have experienced in my own life.  My cup of gratitude is overwhelmingly full, and I am even more grateful that I am able to share it with all of you.  Every tear, every triumph, every lost pound (there have been 45 of them so far!) every slip, and every temptation, I know I can come to my keyboard and share without fear, because you guys are my friends.  Even those of you I have not met face to face have given me more strength than you can possibly imagine.  

May the Force be with all of you-ALWAYS!

Love and Light-

Cole 

Clearing Up Some Falsehoods

For almost thirty years, I have held two painful lies within.  Tonight, as I lay awake in bed trying to sort out how my parents could have thought me capable of those two things when I was around 10-11 years old, I realized they probably knew no better at the time than to assume the worst.  I have recently told my dad the truth about one of these items and my mom the truth about the other, but for some reason, I am still bothered and troubled.  Perhaps because the perceived "victims" never learned the truth.  Perhaps because I still believe I was the "bad" child. despite what I have recently been told by a former teacher (that I was not bad at all as a 3rd grader-I was polite, well behaved and caring-I found it hard to believe.)

The first, and more heinous, of the two falsehoods is:  When I was 11, I was accused of molesting a 5 year old neighbor girl.  For those of you who don't already know this, by the time I was 11, I knew I was homosexual, and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite gender, save friends and family relationships. I was interrogated by my father for what must have been hours on the topic, and finally, after a VERY long (in my young mind) time, I decided I was too tired to keep saying that I had not done what they thought I did, and said that there had been a glancing touch out of curiosity.  This never actually happened.  I wasn't curious at all, but I also wasn't ready to come out of the closet.  The only people who did believe me at the time were my therapist, Shelley; my grandma Joann; uncle Vincent and my aunt June.  I spent years with people believing I had done this, and only in the past 24 months told my Dad it had never, in fact, happened.  When he asked me why I had finally said it had, I told him the truth.  "I knew if I just said it had happened, you would stop asking me about it and leave me alone," was my reply.  My Dad apologized, and I can tell he both believed me and meant the apology, but I am still troubled by what it meant that people thought me capable of such a thing at such a young age.

The second item was I was accused of stealing approximately $100 from my (then) toddler brother's piggy bank.  From my best recollection, this happened in early 1987, as my sister Courtney was already born, but I don't believe my brother Andrew was (I tend to measure time based on which sibling was already born in this period of my life.) I never confessed to this, because it never happened.  Even later, when my parents found out our nanny had been stealing, it never occurred to them to re-visit the topic with me.  I spent a summer mowing lawns and working off a debt that was not mine to repay, and it has bothered me ever since.  I repaid the amount of $100 (decided by my parents as appropriate.)  What I never understood is what did my VERY aware of our actions parents think I had done with the missing $100?  I had been grounded for 9 weeks due to bad grades, and never went anywhere alone at that age, so the opportunity to have spent this money was simply non-existent. I recently told my mom about this, and in tears, she and I spoke at length and she and I figured it must have been the nanny after all.

I don't know why it still bothers me that these two things were thought about me for so long.  It has been 25 years since I saw that girl, though one of her half brothers is still in touch with me via facebook, and I have clearly made and spent much more than that $100 since then.  Still, it bothers me to think there are still people out there who believe this to be true.  I am sure my parents told people and sought advice, as any normal concerned parent would have.  But I am equally sure that there is no way to erase those accusations, or the perceptions about me they may have created, including the ones within myself.  I would love any feedback you guys may have or suggestions on how to let this go once and for all.  It is a tape I would love to "eject" from my brain permanently, but sometimes it still keeps me awake at night.  I hate it when someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, and have only recently stopped seeing it as a flaw in my personality if I don't get along with someone.  Some people just don't mesh well.  Do I think my parents meant to hurt me?  Not for a moment.  They love me, and are 2 of my biggest fans.

I just want so badly to never have another sleepless night over this.  So tonight, I am writing to you, my friends and readers, asking you to share with me in the comments what works for you.


As Always,
Love, Light and thanks in advance.

Exes and OH NO'es

So, I recently reunited with an old flame.  No, not the one this blog started about!  Greg and I were together for about two years, ending about seven years ago.  Despite a rocky ending, Greg and I became the closest of friends in the ensuing years, and somehow, now, have developed or possibly just rediscovered a very intense romantic connection.

I always considered Greg to be the proverbial "one that got away" in many ways, despite the fact that we were together at a very difficult time in both our lives, and our relationship then could have been best described as tumultuous but passionate.  Now, approaching a decade later, after an extended friendship and actually learning to listen and communicate with one another (or at least how not to avoid communication!) we have found ourselves back together.

I have always loved Greg, and having one of my closest friends become my intimate partner has always been my ideal combination.  When I take away the fears of self image, and remove the pressures of pretense which so often come with a new romantic relationship, Greg and I find ourselves left with a wonderfully open and honest relationship.  It is so refreshing!  He already knows what I look like in the AM (though I am now 30 lbs lighter!) and has experienced morning breath, has seen me deal with stress and crisis and vice versa.  He has seen me at my best, and held my hand through my worst.  We have developed a level of trust that I never could have envisioned between us seven years ago.  There is only one catch: he has a new best friend (who was not in the picture before) who I can't STAND.

This "bestie" told me within days of meeting me he is in love with Greg, and basically challenged me to a duel.   I do not engage in such behavior, and promptly told Carlos (the "bestie") that neither of us could afford Greg's exceptionally lavish lifestyle, and laughed it off.  Shortly thereafter, Greg and I found ourselves living together (I know this is moving fast) and Carlos found himself under my roof.

There were first the normal crossings of boundaries like clothes being borrowed without permission. This quickly led to much worse violations, and eventually, a physical altercation.

At the end, it was a fight about Carlos that brought my relationship (and possibly my friendship) with Greg to an end on Thanksgiving night.

But that I will save for another entry.

Compromises and (Internal) Conflicts

So, I have been talking to someone for a while.  I like him, yet there are some things that I would normally find to be "deal breakers" that I seem to be willing to consider compromise on.

A) He's a smoker.
B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.
C) He wants an open relationship.

Let's look at these one at a time:

A: He's a smoker.

Okay, let me start by saying this is the least of the concerns, because other then the personal "yuck" factor, it is something that can be kept outdoors and away from me.  Does it bug the living shit out of me?  Yes.  Would it, by itself, eliminate him from consideration?  No.

B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.

I am a very independent person, and this guy is very into the idea of having someone submit to his whims, down to suggesting I wear more v-necks.  Not for nothing, but I have worked in fashion almost my entire life, and am pretty well aware of how to dress myself.  Additionally, I believe that, all things considered, I have done a pretty damn good job handling myself up to this point.  This is a BIG issue, and will be one of the deciding factors.

C) He wants an open relationship.  

Okay, I know my heterosexual friends will balk at this even being an issue on which I am willing to play ball. Unfortunately, there are very few truly monogamous gay men on the planet.  And I long ago made a deal with myself: I can handle ANYTHING as long as it is an honest and open dialog.  Here's the problem: when I combine it with B, it could lead to situations where I am completely uncomfortable (3somes, etc.) or which would cause me to be in a position where I was having multiple partners.  While, I am accepting enough to get that virtually anything with a penis is going to cheat, I am not wired that way myself, and do not want to be put in a position where it would come into play.


I know, this seems like a cut and dried situation, but there are some amazing qualities this man has.

(COMPLETED LATER) 

So, I started this entry a few weeks ago, and decided to give it a shot in the meantime.  My fears proved justified, and I very rapidly put an end to the dating experience with him.  All in all, we dated less than a week, and it looks like we will wind up being friends, which is where I was headed with the entry to begin with...

Love and Light!

An Open Window

Someone, somewhere said "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  Somehow, that saying made it into one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Sound of Music."  I can't tell you how many times that phrase has crossed my mind in the past few months.  As I have been dating, and exploring a stronger, more secure person named Cole than that guy I used to know way back when.  You guys probably remember him: he was curled up in a blubbering ball, crying into his keyboard last year.  Somehow that guy managed to send out a cry for help into the Twitterverse, and Catherine Hickland responded in her quiet, special way.

Today, I came really close to deciding to make it official with the guy I have been dating for the past two months, but I find myself wanting to hold back, to not trust.  On the one hand, he is really amazing,  Supportive of my dreams and projects, romantic and kind, dedicated to family and loyal.  On the other hand, he has a few habits I am not thrilled about and has a tendency to be ever so manly in the not communicating about feelings department.  But he has communicated enough to ask me to be his steady, and that feels pretty fucking amazing.  So why am I resisting?  What is keeping me from committing to this man who spends four or so nights a week cuddled in my arms, who doesn't hold back his affection, who is comfortable in his own skin, even if he isn't the most VERBAL person on the planet?  Is it the past?  Am I still afraid somewhere deep down inside that when God allowed me to close the door on the chapter of my life that was Steve, I didn't completely learn how to protect myself?

I think, friends, that the answer may be even simpler than that: I'm enjoying being single, despite the growing things I am feeling for this guy.  Add to that the fact that I have a temporary room mate (that's another story) and maybe I am just not ready to concede any more territory, be it physical or emotional, just yet.  I know that I want to go forward and see where it goes, but I don't know if now is the time to make that statement.

Is the window so high in the tower that I am not even noticing it is open?

Lyrically Inspired

"...You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before..."

-Alanis Morisette,  'Uninvited'

I was listening to some of my favorite music today, and this lyric stood out in particular.  Not that it hasn't before-today it just inspired me to write.

When Cat talks about being aware of our own power, and helps us find that stronger, inner place within, she helps us bring forward what we already own.  Each of us is powerful, unique, and intensely beautiful in our own right.  There is only one of each of us, and that makes us as beautiful as a pure snowflake, our individual personalities can shine like so many crystals of ice fluttering from the skies above us. Those of you who know me, know that I have a love for falling snow that is second to none.

Sometimes, those snowflakes bump into each other and change their appearance on their inevitable journey to the ground.  Those changes don't make them less beautiful, less special than they were before.  Often, two flakes join to become one larger, more beautiful flake.  Other times, the joining is not ideal, and the flakes somehow separate and fall separately.  I like to think of each of us in these terms: beautiful, delicate, fluttering crystals.  Sometimes, we collide with others, and the joining is just as flawless as those merged larger snowflakes.  Other times, the collision can damage one or both flakes.  That is where we have the advantage.

Snowflakes can't heal, can't prevent the crash into the ground.  We can.

Each of us has a beauty that is worthy of protecting. Each of us has a sacred mandate from our Creator to protect and nurture that beauty.  There is no love like mine.  There is no love like yours.  That unique love that each of us carries is the source of our beauty.  It is our responsibility to protect it (but not overprotect it) and feed it the energy it requires to grow and blossom.

Think of it like this: if a child is given all the tools she needs to explore her every talent, then she will learn how to not only excel, but share her knowledge with others, thus spreading her light into the world around her.  When you listen to a song you can't help singing along to, that is an example of what I am talking about.  That performer has touched a place in you which makes you want to share in that light.  That performer is also receiving your loving energy (even if it is from a distance) as you revel in their joy, or empathize with their pain.  The same is true for us.  When we open our loving light to the world around us responsibly, we can experience the ebb and flow of the love around us.  Not just romantic love, but the often much more lasting love of friends and family, of the neighbor's kid who loves to come over and play Monoply with you, of your pets, of the planet we are a part of, the Universe around us.

Sometimes, some of the energy that comes in can be hurtful, and that is when we need to be the most aware of the helpful energy or people around us.  Allow the helpful to outweigh the hurtful, and remember always that there is no love like yours.  It, like you, is a unique and beautiful creation in this Universe.  Both of you are worth celebrating.

I have an affirmation for you (and for me) today.  Let's say it out loud, together.

I AM WORTH CELEBRATING!

Until next time, Love and Light!

Cole

Stalking

So, recently I had what I call an "Andrea Evans issue."  Before I even went on a date with this guy, he began to display all the signs of being controlling to the point of stalking.  Somewhere, in the back of my head, I could hear Cat's voice telling me to be cautious with this situation, to tread carefully.  I had agreed to a date, however, and I am a man of my word.

I agreed to meet him in a VERY public place (Times' Square,)  and made sure a friend had his name, number and photo of him in case anything went wrong (a good idea for any first date if you ask me!)   A few hours before, he canceled, and asked for a rain check.  For some reason beyond my comprehension, I said yes.  But as the day of our rescheduled date came, I found him calling me over and over and over, texting me and becoming aggressive if I did not respond immediately.  When, finally, under pressure to solidify a time for our reschedule, I decided it was not a good idea, he went completely apeshit.  Calling me names, telling me how undesireable I was, saying he hoped I died, and that he would dance on my grave.  I had SIXTY FOUR missed calls from him in a four hour period.  My caution turned into outright fear, and I called the police.

I am grateful every day for the lessons learned from Cat and the tools she shares with us in her book.  I am able to apply them much more readily today than ever before, and I am remembering to listen to my gut instincts.

It gets better every day.

Love and Light,

Cole 

Something Great....

Since reading Cat's book, I try to wake up with the mantra suggested in it each morning.  "Something great is going to happen to me today!" Quite often, it does. In the first weeks of 2012, I attended the taping of the View's tribute to OLTL, met Agnes Nixon, was offered a free ticket to Loving Llanview (OF COURSE I went!) and attended the NY premiere of Madonna's W/E, hosted by none other than the Queen of Pop herself.  The rest of this entry is what happened that night.

So, I was lucky enough to be invited to a screening of the Madonna-directed W/E at the Ziegfeld Theater in midtown Manhattan last Monday.   Needless to say, the prospect of attending an official red carpet, NYC film premiere was a BIG deal to me.  Add to that the prospect of being in the same room as the Queen of Pop herself, and I was a ball of excited nerves!  My best friend Jesus and I  brushed elbows with some amazingly talented people that evening: Ewan McGregor, Julia Stiles, Lady Bunny and more were in attendance.  When Madonna was introduced, and came to the front of the theater to speak, I was excited beyond comprehension.  Not that it was my first time at an event with her, but any chance to see M is exciting for me.   The Marchesa gown she was wearing was flawless, and her speech was both heartfelt and personal.  Madonna discussed her inspiration to make this film, and even paused to thank her long deceased mother in a tearful moment.  After the 14 minute speech and introduction from M, the film rolled.

If I had gone in with low expectations for Madonna's directorial debut, I would have been selling her short.   Madonna and her supremely talented cast not only delivered, they exceeded expectations at every turn.  Humanizing one of the best known historical romances of all time in and of itself would have been a challenge; intermingling it with a contemporary one turned the film into a director's nightmare which by all rights should have been a disaster.  Instead, Madonna and company presented us with a masterpiece.  The two stories wove seamlessly into each other, and the inspiration Wally took from Wallis as she learned more and more about the truth about her life was generously shared with the audience.  Also not lost was the message that love comes with a price.  In the case of Wallis Simpson, the loss of her privacy, her popularity, and the ability for her to ever return to England (she and Edward VIII were never again allowed in the country after the abdication, save when she attended his funeral.)  In the case of Wally, it was the materially comfortable life she had shared with her very well off socialite husband.  The story in the film is not lost on us, and the fresh perspective with which it looks at a well known historical romance is both refreshing, and, at times, shocking. We often forget Wallis Simpson and Henry VIII were simply 2 people in love, and that love can make us do unexpected things.  We tend to focus on what he gave up to be with her, and forget the price she paid to live this fairy tale.  This film gives us the contrary viewpoint, and does so in a vivid and touching way.

As the film ended, I looked around me to see the likes of Gayle King and Martha Stewart on their feet applauding this film, which just confirmed what I already knew: Madonna had done something special with this film.  I highly suggest you go see what I mean.

Sometimes, in order to get where we are headed, we have to pause where we are and take an inventory.   Sometimes that inventory will reaffirm what we thought we knew about our journey through life.  More often, however, it will show us a need for a slight course correction and a new destination.  

Push Back

So, I was involved in a conversation this evening with my Uncle's girlfriend.  She was ranting and raving about him (as usual) and when I had the gall to agree with her therapist on the fact that there can be more than one kind of abuse and my uncle overheard it, he started recording from the next room, as unbeknownst to me, I was on speaker phone.  Not to say that there was anything said in that conversation I do not stand behind 100%.  The man is a 55 year old child, selfish, on drugs, and doesn't fool anyone with his whole "divide and conquer" manipulation mentality. 

Don't get me wrong: I love my uncle.  I just don't like him.  The man has a wonderfullly loving, but terribly wounded heart. 


So, at TWO IN THE MORNING, my big bad uncle decided he had to call his little brother and stir the pot, wake him up in the middle of the night, and cause a shitstorm.  Do I discount that I played a part in this?  No.  Did a third party need to be involved in something that had nothing to do with them? Absolutely not.  I am far from an innocent bystander, and I will readily admit that I have a lot of vitriol where my Uncle is concerned.  So much so that I deleted and blocked him from FB after getting a call from my very upset younger Uncle asking me what I was doing talking to this lady.  I was doing exactly that: talking.  I was comisserating in her misery, and trying to offer her a release valve, and a calm voice, though I was unsuccessful in my desire to be calm and reasonable.  Where this particular Uncle (or my Mother, for that matter) is concerned, the wonds are too deep, the scars too ugly to try to heal anymore.

I have tried therapy, I have written about it, I have taken anti depressants since I was ten, and still, the pain that this particular member of my family causes with his mere existence can sometimes be more than I can reasonably bear.  So I become angry, I lash out, I push him away.

I think it is time to push away a little harder.

Dating Again.

So, I decided to be fully available and back 'out there.'   I have started dating a really sweet guy who I think I could actually like.  He lives in the Dominican Republic, which is a plus and a minus, though.  The plus being that we actually have to get to know one another over time and we are forced to court one another (I actually love this part!) The minus being the obvious challenge of distance and international dating, particularly for GLBT couples.   If this gets serious there will be some hefty challenges as far as being able to be together goes, but we are both interested enough to give it a shot.

When I was in the hospital last week, he was there every day, taking care of me and ensuring I didn't feel alone while sick.  That earned him some big brownie points.

"When someone shows you who they are-believe them."

How Will I Know? (NOT Whitney Houston's version)

How will I know for sure I am over it?  I get asked this question often by people who have come across this blog.  Before today, I didn't have an answer that made sense to me.

Today, which was a BEAUTIFUL day despite this weekend's freak October snow storm in the NY area, I was in Yonkers riding on a bus, and a song that had me doubled over in a drippy ball of snot flowing, cheek burning, gasping for breath tears in the spring did something completely surprising:

 it made me smile.

When do you finally let it SINK IN that you are better?  When a song that used to make you cry makes you smile.

That is my answer.

I love you guys for taking this journey with me. I hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween!

Here's What Happens When You Run Into Him....

So, I was out with my friend Jesus the other night, having a perfectly marvelous time when, BAM.  He walked in the door to the club.  Aside from wanting to WRING his neck because the shock I was feeling felt a lot like pain for a few moments before I realized I was just stunned, not actually hurt, it wasn't awful.  I went outside, sent Cat a text, took a bit of a breather, and went back in.  There was no way I was going to let him screw up a perfectly good time.

You know what?  He didn't, and I didn't either.  I stayed and danced, played, sang, and felt JOY.  Even with him there.  Even though we didn't speak to each other until I was leaving and he said hi as I was on my way out the door.  I smiled my most winning smile and said-"Hello."  I then said good night and went on my way.  Cat was right there with me, in my head, letting me know that what was a pinprick today would have felt like a butcher knife to the heart two months ago.

Every day, in every way, things are getting better and better.

Love and Light.

A Year Ago...

At this time last year, I was with Steve.  Just under a month away from being engaged to the man who would break my heart into a million pieces.  I thought I was happy, thought I was safe.  As I re-read the blog from May-June, as I followed the book, I realize just what an illusion I was living under.  Shattering that illusion-the illusion that he actually loved me in the way he claimed to-was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.  But I did it.  I faced that, and confronted so many of my darkest demons in 30 days, that it is almost as if there is more space in my heart for good and new and Light than I know what to do with!

Every day, in every way, things get better and better.

Sure I can worry about the economy, the Debt Ceiling, and a million other things I have no control over.  I do worry about them, but I know that God has a plan for me, and I believe it does not include the nation around me crumbling under a financial crisis, just as I prepare myself for the next step into a brighter future for myself, and for all those around me, whom I hope to serve.

Until next time, Love and Light!

Harry Slaughter (of my back)

I have been in so much pain-physically.  I threw out my back, and have been in utter agony over the past weeks.  I promise to keep you guys updated on a semi regular basis...

Love and Light!

Winning a Battle

Wow, was it just a day ago that I was starting to think OLTL may really be going prematurely to its grave?  I awaken today with a renewed sense of drive.  The announcement  that OLTL and AMC are going to be saved by going to a new, multi-platform  format was welcome relief for this weary warrior.

So, I finally said Yes

So, I finally broke down and said yes to an invitation to go on a date.  And you know what?  I had a GREAT time (Though I am not sure I recommend walking 2 miles in tight shoes, no matter HOW cute they are!)  We met up in Inwood for a drink, and then walked through Ft. Tryon Park to one of my favorite places-Kismet Restaurant on Ft. Washington Ave and W 187 Street in Washington Heights.

Note to self for future dating-2 things are important to remember 1. comfortable shoes 2. curry vindaloo on a 1st date is probably not a good idea!

We had a lovely dinner, learned a bit about each other, laughed a lot, and then met up with a friend at No Parking (a gay bar in upper Manhattan.)  Though my 'bestie'  was in his usual peacock mode, I managed to ignore it (for the most part) and enjoy myself for the one drink we had there (as my feet blistered and bled into my adorable shoes.)  

When he walked me to the train, we both were a bit nervous, and I know I wanted to kiss him, and it seemed like he wanted to kiss me.  We didn't.  Instead, we agreed to a second date.  

I will keep you updated.

Day/Chapter 30 Graduation Day

Stepping into the great unknown.  We all do it every time we walk outside our doors.  Today is the first day of the next chapter in my life, and though I will not be keeping a daily log any longer to share with you and Cat, I will be letting you know periodically how it is going!  In today's chapter, Cat walks us through a visualization, helping us to release the last vestiges of our pain.  As I went through it, I found myself alternating between tears and goosebumps. Tears of relief, of release.  Goosebumps from the anticipation at what lies ahead.  It is so effective, I may actually do a physical version of the visualization for a couple of other items I want to work through (the rape for one.)  I am really proud of the work I have accomplished in the last 30 days, and I am even prouder of you guys for seeing me through it.

I want to thank each of you for so many moments of true friendship you have given me over the course of this journey.  There are also those who I want to thank who I will reach out to privately, as well.  

The biggest thanks, however goes out to my new friend (who now is feeling like an old friend) Cat.  More than anything, it was hearing Cat's voice in my head (or via text or email) that reminded me of a truth I already knew somewhere-that I was worth taking these 30 days to heal.  That I am more powerful in the Light of God than depths of my despair would ever allow me to be.  That I am a child of God, just like every one of us, deserving of love and respect and good friends, and GREAT love in my life.  Over the course of this journey, Cat, along with some very close friends and family members, have never let me fall so far I couldn't get back up, brush it off, and keep traveling this road.

I also want to thank my dear, loving godsons, Andy and Leo.  They are too young to know anything other than their godfather has been especially 'huggy' lately, but their love and my joy at having them in my life are second to none.

Finally, a promise.  If any of you ever need your hand held, need a shoulder to cry on, need someone to remind you to LIVE LIVE LIVE as Auntie Mame would say, I am here.  Don't be afraid to reach out to me the way I have to you.  None of us has all the answers, but we can always try to find them-together.

Until next time-I send you all the Love and Light in my heart.

Day/Chapter 29 The Great Life

Wow, am I really only one day away for being 30 days into this?  I must be, because I feel about a million miles away from where I started, and so much closer to being 100% in my own skin (and comfortable there) than I remember feeling in a very long time (if ever!)   In this chapter, Cat talks about the present, and the inherent joy in each new day.

I like to think I live within an 'attitude of gratitude' with regards to my truly blessed life.  Some people may wonder where that attitude comes from when life in NYC on unemployment and pounding the pavement looking for work can be so difficult.  I will give you a few examples:

Out side the building I live in, there are these BEAUTIFUL lily plants that blossom every spring/summer.  Last night, I was walking with my friend Renat and he asked me what it was that smelled so different about my neighborhood.  I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him to look to his left.  There was a beautiful lily.  In the 28 years my friend has been alive he had LITERALLY never stopped to smell the proverbial roses.  I stop to appreciate them all the time.  

Every day, I make a point of noting the things in life which make me smile.  It doesn't take much to do it, and by recognizing that which brings us joy, we multiply the joy.  

Give it a try.  LOOK for the joy in your life.   You will see it is there, whether we recognize it or not.   When we recognize it, and give thanks to God/Universe for it, and most importantly SHARE it, it comes back to us a thousandfold.  Nothing makes me feel better than seeing someone else really smile.  

One day left.  Then, we take another step into the future...

Love and Light, today and always.