For almost thirty years, I have held two painful lies within. Tonight, as I lay awake in bed trying to sort out how my parents could have thought me capable of those two things when I was around 10-11 years old, I realized they probably knew no better at the time than to assume the worst. I have recently told my dad the truth about one of these items and my mom the truth about the other, but for some reason, I am still bothered and troubled. Perhaps because the perceived "victims" never learned the truth. Perhaps because I still believe I was the "bad" child. despite what I have recently been told by a former teacher (that I was not bad at all as a 3rd grader-I was polite, well behaved and caring-I found it hard to believe.)
The first, and more heinous, of the two falsehoods is: When I was 11, I was accused of molesting a 5 year old neighbor girl. For those of you who don't already know this, by the time I was 11, I knew I was homosexual, and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite gender, save friends and family relationships. I was interrogated by my father for what must have been hours on the topic, and finally, after a VERY long (in my young mind) time, I decided I was too tired to keep saying that I had not done what they thought I did, and said that there had been a glancing touch out of curiosity. This never actually happened. I wasn't curious at all, but I also wasn't ready to come out of the closet. The only people who did believe me at the time were my therapist, Shelley; my grandma Joann; uncle Vincent and my aunt June. I spent years with people believing I had done this, and only in the past 24 months told my Dad it had never, in fact, happened. When he asked me why I had finally said it had, I told him the truth. "I knew if I just said it had happened, you would stop asking me about it and leave me alone," was my reply. My Dad apologized, and I can tell he both believed me and meant the apology, but I am still troubled by what it meant that people thought me capable of such a thing at such a young age.
The second item was I was accused of stealing approximately $100 from my (then) toddler brother's piggy bank. From my best recollection, this happened in early 1987, as my sister Courtney was already born, but I don't believe my brother Andrew was (I tend to measure time based on which sibling was already born in this period of my life.) I never confessed to this, because it never happened. Even later, when my parents found out our nanny had been stealing, it never occurred to them to re-visit the topic with me. I spent a summer mowing lawns and working off a debt that was not mine to repay, and it has bothered me ever since. I repaid the amount of $100 (decided by my parents as appropriate.) What I never understood is what did my VERY aware of our actions parents think I had done with the missing $100? I had been grounded for 9 weeks due to bad grades, and never went anywhere alone at that age, so the opportunity to have spent this money was simply non-existent. I recently told my mom about this, and in tears, she and I spoke at length and she and I figured it must have been the nanny after all.
I don't know why it still bothers me that these two things were thought about me for so long. It has been 25 years since I saw that girl, though one of her half brothers is still in touch with me via facebook, and I have clearly made and spent much more than that $100 since then. Still, it bothers me to think there are still people out there who believe this to be true. I am sure my parents told people and sought advice, as any normal concerned parent would have. But I am equally sure that there is no way to erase those accusations, or the perceptions about me they may have created, including the ones within myself. I would love any feedback you guys may have or suggestions on how to let this go once and for all. It is a tape I would love to "eject" from my brain permanently, but sometimes it still keeps me awake at night. I hate it when someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, and have only recently stopped seeing it as a flaw in my personality if I don't get along with someone. Some people just don't mesh well. Do I think my parents meant to hurt me? Not for a moment. They love me, and are 2 of my biggest fans.
I just want so badly to never have another sleepless night over this. So tonight, I am writing to you, my friends and readers, asking you to share with me in the comments what works for you.
As Always,
Love, Light and thanks in advance.
The first, and more heinous, of the two falsehoods is: When I was 11, I was accused of molesting a 5 year old neighbor girl. For those of you who don't already know this, by the time I was 11, I knew I was homosexual, and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite gender, save friends and family relationships. I was interrogated by my father for what must have been hours on the topic, and finally, after a VERY long (in my young mind) time, I decided I was too tired to keep saying that I had not done what they thought I did, and said that there had been a glancing touch out of curiosity. This never actually happened. I wasn't curious at all, but I also wasn't ready to come out of the closet. The only people who did believe me at the time were my therapist, Shelley; my grandma Joann; uncle Vincent and my aunt June. I spent years with people believing I had done this, and only in the past 24 months told my Dad it had never, in fact, happened. When he asked me why I had finally said it had, I told him the truth. "I knew if I just said it had happened, you would stop asking me about it and leave me alone," was my reply. My Dad apologized, and I can tell he both believed me and meant the apology, but I am still troubled by what it meant that people thought me capable of such a thing at such a young age.
The second item was I was accused of stealing approximately $100 from my (then) toddler brother's piggy bank. From my best recollection, this happened in early 1987, as my sister Courtney was already born, but I don't believe my brother Andrew was (I tend to measure time based on which sibling was already born in this period of my life.) I never confessed to this, because it never happened. Even later, when my parents found out our nanny had been stealing, it never occurred to them to re-visit the topic with me. I spent a summer mowing lawns and working off a debt that was not mine to repay, and it has bothered me ever since. I repaid the amount of $100 (decided by my parents as appropriate.) What I never understood is what did my VERY aware of our actions parents think I had done with the missing $100? I had been grounded for 9 weeks due to bad grades, and never went anywhere alone at that age, so the opportunity to have spent this money was simply non-existent. I recently told my mom about this, and in tears, she and I spoke at length and she and I figured it must have been the nanny after all.
I don't know why it still bothers me that these two things were thought about me for so long. It has been 25 years since I saw that girl, though one of her half brothers is still in touch with me via facebook, and I have clearly made and spent much more than that $100 since then. Still, it bothers me to think there are still people out there who believe this to be true. I am sure my parents told people and sought advice, as any normal concerned parent would have. But I am equally sure that there is no way to erase those accusations, or the perceptions about me they may have created, including the ones within myself. I would love any feedback you guys may have or suggestions on how to let this go once and for all. It is a tape I would love to "eject" from my brain permanently, but sometimes it still keeps me awake at night. I hate it when someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, and have only recently stopped seeing it as a flaw in my personality if I don't get along with someone. Some people just don't mesh well. Do I think my parents meant to hurt me? Not for a moment. They love me, and are 2 of my biggest fans.
I just want so badly to never have another sleepless night over this. So tonight, I am writing to you, my friends and readers, asking you to share with me in the comments what works for you.
As Always,
Love, Light and thanks in advance.
