2015-another journey and a different kind of heartbreak.

I can't believe a year and a half have passed since the last entry here.  On the one hand-it is great to know that my life has been basically smooth sailing for that long-on the other hand, it is sad that I am returning to start the process here over again, for a different reason this time.   My brother, (okay for those of you who get all technical-stepbrother) Albert, died in a car accident almost two weeks ago, and it is kicking my ass.   I have been in a state of almost constant anger and depression since it occurred.   I pretty much went straight into a place where everyone pissed me off all the time, and drove some good friends to the breaking point before I realized the one breaking apart at the seams was me.   i keep looking at this pink jacketed book on my nightstand, and thinking I should text or email Cat to see what she would say about using the 30 day plan for mourning.   Somehow, though, I know her response would be to go for it-to utilize these wonderful tools she has shared with us in any circumstance I need to in order to be the healthiest, best me possible.  

Knowing that my Moms (biological, step, and grand) are all following this blog, I offer this disclosure: I am keeping it totally real, and not pulling any punches.   If I trusted you enough to let you into the broken heart of a hopeless romantic, trusting you to be a part of my grieving isn't very difficult at all.  Even though you may not like or approve of what I write here, I am not editing out the parts of my life I don't want the family to know any more.  this journey, though shared, belongs to me alone.   I will tell it from my perspective, with complete honesty in the telling.   Anything less would be unworthy of putting my name on.  Remembering the old adage "you are only as sick as your secrets" will help us through this together.  

Come, hold my hand, and get stronger with me.   If you are in mourning as I am, we will mourn together, cry together, and grow in love together.   If you are simply reading along, I am willing to wager you have something you would love to let go of; some old pain, some old flame.   Join us in letting go of suffering, and welcoming in joy.

I love you, I love me, I love God's Universe we belong to.

Let us begin...

I'm Letting You Go, So I Can Be Free

"...To live my life as it should be...I'll be fine without you/YES I WILL..."

-Leona Lewis ' Better In Time'

Someone I love recently reached out to me in need of assistance I could not provide for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being my own baggage about the four times we have been together as a couple over the past decade.   When I sat down and prayed over the situation, I realized that I hadn't fully released him from his past commitments to me.

In an email I wrote over the past few days, I shared with him what I will call our last kiss.  I did my best to be completely honest, but not cruel or accusatory.  I admitted my own mistakes, and ended in a prayer.  I would really like you guys' take on how you think I handled it.  The email is as follows, names included are unchanged.

My Darling Gregory, 

You've been online, you've seen my messages, and you had nothing to say.   Not even your condolences.    Part of me is hurt and surprised.   Part of me just doesn't care that you don't care if I am in pain, or in more debt now as a result of your carelessness with PayPal money you sent me which wasn't yours to send this week.  Either way-I can't allow you to take me down this dark road with you.  MY life and MY future can and do not depend on YOU.   So, I have this to say:

Good bye Gregory.  

 

I will ALWAYS love the man I saw inside you-the one who was too damaged and frightened of his own potential to ever be allowed to explore it.  The kind and loving man who was slowly coaxed into relaxing just a bit, who smiled more, who laughed easily.  Who LOVES me, exactly as I am.  Who, like me is:

A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

I pray and hope you can save yourself. And I am so sorry I had to pick to save myself before this drug took me as it did you. But I HAD to escape the pain and the torture of what it is doing to the love of my life.  

THANK YOU

For loving me, in the best way you knew how, for making me feel safe and for bringing me-however fleetingly, peace and joy that I will hold onto as long as I live.  Thank You for allowing me to fall and break.  Thank you for showing me it was okay to get myself up and make the necessary changes.

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO HEAL.

I think of you several times a day, and always will remember our times together with fondness, and a touch of sadness for the life we were denied.  

I FORGIVE YOU. 

Because you have a beautiful soul, and because my soul deserves to be free of the burden of anger and sorrow:

I RELEASE YOU.

You are free to grow and thrive, and it is my fondest wish that you will do exactly that, so I release you of any lingering hold or feeling of commitment to me you may have.  

I WROTE A PRAYER FOR YOU-

"Gregory's Prayer"

Dear LORD, I bring before you today a petition for the wellness of someone very special.  One of Your children needs Your intervention, please allow him to:

Live long, and prosper in joy..  Be well, an  be wealthy in love and happiness.  Be loved, and bathe himself in the warmth that comes from all the love he gives being most generously returned.  Be at peace within, so he may share that peace and calm to others and his spirit can commune with God's Universe in this world and the next. 

AMEN.

Continuing the Journey

I have learned that since my introduction to this book, I have become an advocate for the power within each of us to own our own hearts.  In a conversation tonight with someone who is on day 1 (and who bought the book BEFORE the breakup at my urging!) I said the following:

You will VERY VERY soon realize that the BEST relationship in your life is about to take a major turn for the better

the relationship you have with YOU

I know I sound like I drank Cat's Kool Aid, and maybe I did, but damn it is some good shit!

Wow!  Where is that eternal pessimist who used to live in my brain?  I guess he finally got the note and decided to get out before he got thrown out.  Every now and then, I still hear him gnawing and gnashing his teeth, chomping for a way back into my head-space.  When I hear that familiar bitter tune begin to play, i visualize myself pressing the "EJECT" button on my internal CD player (okay, okay, in my head, it is actually a cassette tape player LOL!) Since starting this portion of my journey, I have been tempted and challenged and lured and pulled and pushed in many ways, not the least of which was by an old flame I had never really gotten over.  What I realized, after that now aborted attempt at repairing something which was not only long broken, but just completely wrong for the person I am today, is that the past really can just be left where it is.    I have created a new affirmation set for myself today, and it is on an index card on my bedroom mirror, Where I can see it every morning and evening.  Feel free to use the set if you like.  The card reads:

I don't have to go back to learn from the past.  

I don't need to revisit past experiences to understand what brought them to be, or to avid repeating them.

Today, I am only moving FORWARD.

I am so grateful my friend reached out to me at this particular time, so I could be there with all the tools Cat gave me, and helped me find within myself, to hold her hand and give her a shoulder to cry on and a friend to rally for her when she feels she can't do it for herself.  I am grateful for the heartbreaks I have experienced in my own life.  My cup of gratitude is overwhelmingly full, and I am even more grateful that I am able to share it with all of you.  Every tear, every triumph, every lost pound (there have been 45 of them so far!) every slip, and every temptation, I know I can come to my keyboard and share without fear, because you guys are my friends.  Even those of you I have not met face to face have given me more strength than you can possibly imagine.  

May the Force be with all of you-ALWAYS!

Love and Light-

Cole 

Clearing Up Some Falsehoods

For almost thirty years, I have held two painful lies within.  Tonight, as I lay awake in bed trying to sort out how my parents could have thought me capable of those two things when I was around 10-11 years old, I realized they probably knew no better at the time than to assume the worst.  I have recently told my dad the truth about one of these items and my mom the truth about the other, but for some reason, I am still bothered and troubled.  Perhaps because the perceived "victims" never learned the truth.  Perhaps because I still believe I was the "bad" child. despite what I have recently been told by a former teacher (that I was not bad at all as a 3rd grader-I was polite, well behaved and caring-I found it hard to believe.)

The first, and more heinous, of the two falsehoods is:  When I was 11, I was accused of molesting a 5 year old neighbor girl.  For those of you who don't already know this, by the time I was 11, I knew I was homosexual, and had no interest whatsoever in the opposite gender, save friends and family relationships. I was interrogated by my father for what must have been hours on the topic, and finally, after a VERY long (in my young mind) time, I decided I was too tired to keep saying that I had not done what they thought I did, and said that there had been a glancing touch out of curiosity.  This never actually happened.  I wasn't curious at all, but I also wasn't ready to come out of the closet.  The only people who did believe me at the time were my therapist, Shelley; my grandma Joann; uncle Vincent and my aunt June.  I spent years with people believing I had done this, and only in the past 24 months told my Dad it had never, in fact, happened.  When he asked me why I had finally said it had, I told him the truth.  "I knew if I just said it had happened, you would stop asking me about it and leave me alone," was my reply.  My Dad apologized, and I can tell he both believed me and meant the apology, but I am still troubled by what it meant that people thought me capable of such a thing at such a young age.

The second item was I was accused of stealing approximately $100 from my (then) toddler brother's piggy bank.  From my best recollection, this happened in early 1987, as my sister Courtney was already born, but I don't believe my brother Andrew was (I tend to measure time based on which sibling was already born in this period of my life.) I never confessed to this, because it never happened.  Even later, when my parents found out our nanny had been stealing, it never occurred to them to re-visit the topic with me.  I spent a summer mowing lawns and working off a debt that was not mine to repay, and it has bothered me ever since.  I repaid the amount of $100 (decided by my parents as appropriate.)  What I never understood is what did my VERY aware of our actions parents think I had done with the missing $100?  I had been grounded for 9 weeks due to bad grades, and never went anywhere alone at that age, so the opportunity to have spent this money was simply non-existent. I recently told my mom about this, and in tears, she and I spoke at length and she and I figured it must have been the nanny after all.

I don't know why it still bothers me that these two things were thought about me for so long.  It has been 25 years since I saw that girl, though one of her half brothers is still in touch with me via facebook, and I have clearly made and spent much more than that $100 since then.  Still, it bothers me to think there are still people out there who believe this to be true.  I am sure my parents told people and sought advice, as any normal concerned parent would have.  But I am equally sure that there is no way to erase those accusations, or the perceptions about me they may have created, including the ones within myself.  I would love any feedback you guys may have or suggestions on how to let this go once and for all.  It is a tape I would love to "eject" from my brain permanently, but sometimes it still keeps me awake at night.  I hate it when someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, and have only recently stopped seeing it as a flaw in my personality if I don't get along with someone.  Some people just don't mesh well.  Do I think my parents meant to hurt me?  Not for a moment.  They love me, and are 2 of my biggest fans.

I just want so badly to never have another sleepless night over this.  So tonight, I am writing to you, my friends and readers, asking you to share with me in the comments what works for you.


As Always,
Love, Light and thanks in advance.

Exes and OH NO'es

So, I recently reunited with an old flame.  No, not the one this blog started about!  Greg and I were together for about two years, ending about seven years ago.  Despite a rocky ending, Greg and I became the closest of friends in the ensuing years, and somehow, now, have developed or possibly just rediscovered a very intense romantic connection.

I always considered Greg to be the proverbial "one that got away" in many ways, despite the fact that we were together at a very difficult time in both our lives, and our relationship then could have been best described as tumultuous but passionate.  Now, approaching a decade later, after an extended friendship and actually learning to listen and communicate with one another (or at least how not to avoid communication!) we have found ourselves back together.

I have always loved Greg, and having one of my closest friends become my intimate partner has always been my ideal combination.  When I take away the fears of self image, and remove the pressures of pretense which so often come with a new romantic relationship, Greg and I find ourselves left with a wonderfully open and honest relationship.  It is so refreshing!  He already knows what I look like in the AM (though I am now 30 lbs lighter!) and has experienced morning breath, has seen me deal with stress and crisis and vice versa.  He has seen me at my best, and held my hand through my worst.  We have developed a level of trust that I never could have envisioned between us seven years ago.  There is only one catch: he has a new best friend (who was not in the picture before) who I can't STAND.

This "bestie" told me within days of meeting me he is in love with Greg, and basically challenged me to a duel.   I do not engage in such behavior, and promptly told Carlos (the "bestie") that neither of us could afford Greg's exceptionally lavish lifestyle, and laughed it off.  Shortly thereafter, Greg and I found ourselves living together (I know this is moving fast) and Carlos found himself under my roof.

There were first the normal crossings of boundaries like clothes being borrowed without permission. This quickly led to much worse violations, and eventually, a physical altercation.

At the end, it was a fight about Carlos that brought my relationship (and possibly my friendship) with Greg to an end on Thanksgiving night.

But that I will save for another entry.

Compromises and (Internal) Conflicts

So, I have been talking to someone for a while.  I like him, yet there are some things that I would normally find to be "deal breakers" that I seem to be willing to consider compromise on.

A) He's a smoker.
B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.
C) He wants an open relationship.

Let's look at these one at a time:

A: He's a smoker.

Okay, let me start by saying this is the least of the concerns, because other then the personal "yuck" factor, it is something that can be kept outdoors and away from me.  Does it bug the living shit out of me?  Yes.  Would it, by itself, eliminate him from consideration?  No.

B) He is very much of the "my way or the highway" mentality.

I am a very independent person, and this guy is very into the idea of having someone submit to his whims, down to suggesting I wear more v-necks.  Not for nothing, but I have worked in fashion almost my entire life, and am pretty well aware of how to dress myself.  Additionally, I believe that, all things considered, I have done a pretty damn good job handling myself up to this point.  This is a BIG issue, and will be one of the deciding factors.

C) He wants an open relationship.  

Okay, I know my heterosexual friends will balk at this even being an issue on which I am willing to play ball. Unfortunately, there are very few truly monogamous gay men on the planet.  And I long ago made a deal with myself: I can handle ANYTHING as long as it is an honest and open dialog.  Here's the problem: when I combine it with B, it could lead to situations where I am completely uncomfortable (3somes, etc.) or which would cause me to be in a position where I was having multiple partners.  While, I am accepting enough to get that virtually anything with a penis is going to cheat, I am not wired that way myself, and do not want to be put in a position where it would come into play.


I know, this seems like a cut and dried situation, but there are some amazing qualities this man has.

(COMPLETED LATER) 

So, I started this entry a few weeks ago, and decided to give it a shot in the meantime.  My fears proved justified, and I very rapidly put an end to the dating experience with him.  All in all, we dated less than a week, and it looks like we will wind up being friends, which is where I was headed with the entry to begin with...

Love and Light!

An Open Window

Someone, somewhere said "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."  Somehow, that saying made it into one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Sound of Music."  I can't tell you how many times that phrase has crossed my mind in the past few months.  As I have been dating, and exploring a stronger, more secure person named Cole than that guy I used to know way back when.  You guys probably remember him: he was curled up in a blubbering ball, crying into his keyboard last year.  Somehow that guy managed to send out a cry for help into the Twitterverse, and Catherine Hickland responded in her quiet, special way.

Today, I came really close to deciding to make it official with the guy I have been dating for the past two months, but I find myself wanting to hold back, to not trust.  On the one hand, he is really amazing,  Supportive of my dreams and projects, romantic and kind, dedicated to family and loyal.  On the other hand, he has a few habits I am not thrilled about and has a tendency to be ever so manly in the not communicating about feelings department.  But he has communicated enough to ask me to be his steady, and that feels pretty fucking amazing.  So why am I resisting?  What is keeping me from committing to this man who spends four or so nights a week cuddled in my arms, who doesn't hold back his affection, who is comfortable in his own skin, even if he isn't the most VERBAL person on the planet?  Is it the past?  Am I still afraid somewhere deep down inside that when God allowed me to close the door on the chapter of my life that was Steve, I didn't completely learn how to protect myself?

I think, friends, that the answer may be even simpler than that: I'm enjoying being single, despite the growing things I am feeling for this guy.  Add to that the fact that I have a temporary room mate (that's another story) and maybe I am just not ready to concede any more territory, be it physical or emotional, just yet.  I know that I want to go forward and see where it goes, but I don't know if now is the time to make that statement.

Is the window so high in the tower that I am not even noticing it is open?